Derived from most parts.... AC Canoeing..

And thus it almost ends.

2008-11-17T23:15:00.001+08:00

And thus it almost ends.

The road feels strangely familiar. I seem to remember walking through it almost 2 years ago; but here I am at the same junction again. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being tied, blindfolded and led down a dark tunnel from which I can see absolutely no light. Quite honestly, I've no idea why I'm even walking over the same, similar road again but I'm just hoping that this time, He'll lead me out to a different place; a place where there is light and joy.

But will the outcomes be different this time round? Frankly, there is little hope and rationally, it is almost impossible. Yet, ever will I strive to be still and to trust in Him. After all, it is the only thing that I can do for my hands are once again bound together. I daresay that I've done all that I could have done and at the very least, I've this comfort no matter the outcome.

Well, it would soon end. And perhaps, it really is time to move on.

Circles

2008-11-03T00:25:00.003+08:00

The 2nd of November. How could I have almost missed it? It only occurred to me as I was about to fly off. I had the whole day to realize it but I only did when the day was about to end. Coincidence that the timing was about just right? Perhaps, but I doubt it. I don't know why it suddenly struck me; but it did. I don't why it never registered previously throughout the day; but it did when I saw my watch 4 hours ago displaying the date: 021108.

As a friend of mine loves to quote, 'there is no coincidence, only the illusion of it'. I've always found it strange hearing that from an atheist but that is besides the point. Staring out into the dark night sky at 30 000 feet, I could not help but ponder about the last 2 years of my life. And I realize that I've truly gone in a large circle. It's strange but I've realized that God has a certain tendency to make us go in circles. It's not the first time that I've reflected upon my life and found myself having walked a large circle. It's strange; it really is. But God has a way of making us re-walk certain paths (or perhaps it's just me?)

Almost 10 months have passed since I first wrote the above; it was written 10 months ago in the early hours of a morning in November upon the remembrance of a certain event but it was never published because I could not bear to. I can't remember why exactly it was never completed. Perhaps it was because I was too weary that early morning. Perhaps I did not particularly want to re-visit certain memories. I think it was probably a combination of the both. Nevertheless, this site has since then fallen into much disuse (not to say that it has been extremely active in the past). I can't explain why but I think it's because I've felt that it was too much of a chore to pen some of my thoughts down; especially those which I hold most dear to. But I've come a full circle yet again.

This blog was created upon the suggestion of a friend that my penning down of some of my thoughts might be an encouragement to others; and it strikes me as amusing today that I should be thus encouraged by many of my older posts. I felt oddly fuzzy and warm inside when I read many of my older writings; writings that have brought many a bitter-sweet smile to my face because as one of my posts so aptly puts it, the events were bitter because the outcomes were undesirable but sweet because they were dear to me. Above all, I was struck by my hope and youthful optimism. Am I suggesting that I'm no longer so? I hope I'm not. But I fear that it is not as it had been in the past these days. Am I finally conceding that hope is only for the young fool whose youth has made him oblivious to the harsh realities of life? No. I'm admitting that my faith in my Lord had at times wavered and that I've failed. But I digress. I've in the past written posts in the hope of encouraging others and I still do write them with that hope but I fear that I, being a fallen man like any other, find great difficulty in doing so. I'm not as noble as I would have wanted to be. But I've come to realize today that I should continue in this endeavor because even if there is no one else who is encouraged by my writings, I will one day look back on many of my posts with much fondness. Indeed, I'm currently of a mind to start keeping a diary and perhaps, future posts will come from 'declassified' writings from it. Whatever my decision, this represents a commitment to once again publish whenever I'm able to (which I do not think will be too often) in the hope that it'll one day not only encourage others, but myself too.

And with that, I present a essay which I had written in days past with the hope that it'll one day encourage others and myself.

Hope is a curious phenomenon. It is the irrational belief that an event will, against all odds, occur. Yet, despite it being completely irrational, many continue to indulge and draw strength from it. Ironically, the greater one's hope is, the greater one's fall will be should it prove to be naught. Still, there are countless people who persist in this illogical behavior of setting themselves up for a greater fall than necessary.

Perhaps it is because hope brings optimism and optimism brings happiness. Maybe those who hope would rather enjoy the brief respite of happiness than endure the bitter truth of reality despite the ever present threat that their hopes would be crushed at the very last. Given the unreliable nature of hope, one wonders why anyone would even put his or her trust in it. The answer to that lies, perhaps, in the fact that we humans are hardly rational beings although we often like to imagine ourselves as being one. We are, quite on the contrary, emotional beings and emotions are by nature, irrational.

As a self-professing believer in the deterministic nature of our universe, I used to believe in the absolute power of logic. Rationality was the path to enlightenment and the understanding of our universe. I saw emotions like hope as a weakness. Quite simply, I, at the age of 13, felt that emotions, completely illogical as they were, were limiting our potential as human beings. They obscured our logical processes, hurt us unnecessarily and prevented us from performing our duties to perfection. I felt that emotions were for the weak. Indeed, I remembered trying unsuccessfully to consistently rule over my emotions with a heavy handed dose of logic.

Strangely enough however, my emotional side eventually won over without even me realizing it until the victory was complete. Perhaps it was the years of training and the various ups and downs that I've experienced as a national athlete and a student-researcher; or perhaps it was my experience of living alone independently while training, studying and researching. But they have now led me to concede the undeniable truth that we humans are emotional beings and ironically enough, I now see emotions as our greatest strength.

Curiously, the source of their strength lies precisely in their irrationality. While the usefulness of a rational mind that has propelled us above all other species can hardly be doubted, its handicap can be significantly less obvious. Accustomed as we are to a logical mindset, we are all too often unknowingly confined to the boundaries of 'common-sense' and the usual notions of that which is possible and impossible. A perfectly logical mind not unlike that of a drone will never attempt to do anything that has a high probability of failure, especially when the failure carries with it a severe consequence. Greatness as we know it would never be manifested in beings such as these. The heroic acts that embody the virtue of self-sacrifice which cultures all around the world have come to honor would never have happened. Audacious feats of flying and landing on the moon would never have come to pass. It is hard to imagine how primitive society would be had our fore fathers not had the hope and courage to dream of that which seemed impossible to them.

Time is an inexorable current that sweeps its helpless victims relentlessly forward. We are doomed to live our lives but once; fail to do a crucial but apprehensive task and we're condemned to a life of regrets. Often, we fail because of our apprehension and fear of failure. Yet, hope is that which will see us through. It is that ray of light that we hold onto in the darkness. The end of the tunnel may have a painful fall awaiting us but at least we are comforted in the knowledge that the attempt to transverse it had been made and that we are spared the torment of regrets.

Emotions like hope can be our greatest strength but they can, like a sharp double-edged sword, be our worst enemies too. The dangers and pitfalls of a false hope are only too obvious. Fall from a high hope and one is sucked into a quagmire of other emotions which is, at best, difficult to escape out of. The excruciating pain of the fall deters us from attempting to cross in hope, but pain, like any other emotion, is appointed to us as emotional beings to experience. After all, what is it to have lived if we have not experienced the heights of joy and plumbed the depths of sorrow? Often, it is not about what we've achieved but the path that we took to get there. Medals rust and citations fade away but it is the memories that last for eternity. It is the memories of a journey fraught with difficulties interspaced with the occasional triumphs and more frequent jabs of grief and pain that makes life worth living. The pain may threaten to rip our hearts asunder but there is no need to fear it because it is part of that which makes our life complete. Still, it is never easy to extract ourselves from the torrent of emotions that batter us when we fail. The grief can sometimes be overwhelming but the trick is not to resist it head on. Often, it is easier to allow ourselves to be swept away by it and at the appropriate moment, lift ourselves above it and stand up once more, not unlike a man who is swept away by a flood but pulls himself to safety at the first overhanging branch.

Hope is one of humanity's greatest gifts but the disappointment that occasionally comes with it is never easy to accept. Yet for me, if there is one thing that I'll continue to do all the days of my life, it is to hope with the assurance that my Heavenly Father will lift me up whenever I fall.

Of Atheism, Agnosticism, and Christianity

2008-07-28T23:56:00.002+08:00

It has certainly been a long time since I last posted; and not without good reason – I've been rather busy with various things and have had hardly any long breaks that could have allowed me time to pen down my thoughts. Besides, this post, which I've long desired to write, needed much time to prepare. However, by the grace of God, I'm finally prepared to start writing this post of mine. Due to this post being extremely long however, those who know me personally may ask me for a soft copy of this post for easier reading if they so wish.

It's sad to see that there are so many who refuse to accept the existence of a God, or worse still, even consider its possibility when there are so many evidences in this world which points to one. Perhaps even more tragic are the excuses that many give which merely indicate their utter lack of interest or misinformed knowledge. It is thus my most sincere and humble desire that this post would cause you, the reader to at least start pondering about what is arguably the greatest question for us mortal and finite humans: Is there a God out there? And the question which follows after it: If there is a God, who exactly is He? Before I began, I must make a disclaimer that for the most part, the views expressed here are that of my own. Where exceptions arise, I shall so indicate. Although most of the views here are personal, the facts which I present are not so, and I certainly wouldn't dare take credit for them. I shall give appropriate references so that interested readers may, in their own time and convenience, read up on them. Finally, before we began, please, I beg you, do not dismiss this cynically for it is honestly something which I sincerely hope to share with you; and I pray that all which I write may be pleasing to God. Let us begin.

Psalms 19, verses 1 to 3:

'The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge. There is no speech nor language, where their voice is not heard.' (King James Version)

In a somewhat more modern and readily understood version in modern English:

'The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.' (New International Version)

As a young boy, I've always been amazed at the beauty of the universe. The countless stars that twinkle silently while hanging suspended in the night sky has always filled me with wonder. As I grew older and learnt of the vast expanse of space which lies beyond that which we call home and the countless stars which fill it, I was filled with awe at how great the universe is and at how insignificant we are compared to the whole of creation. I thought of the beauty of the nebulas in which countless stars much like our own are formed even today; and I hoped, somewhat naively, that I would one day be able to gaze at them with my naked eyes. As I grew even older, I wondered how things worked and how did this universe as we know it came into existence. And as I studied, I came to the realization, as many others have before me, that if this universe (more specifically, a universe capable of supporting life) came about only by random chance, then we have truly won the lottery of all time, one of unimaginable odds. And I reasoned that it is quite impossible, logically, for us to be so fortunate. Of course, the word 'unimaginable' is subjective. Thus, I shall now attempt to shed some light on why I've chosen to use such a word.

The accepted cosmological theory today regarding the beginning of our universe is the famous Big Bang theory. Despite it having serious problems (arising from the incompatibility of quantum mechanics and the general theory of relativity) in explaining the very, very early universe (from the birth till 10^-43 seconds after the bang), its description of all other subsequent events after the bang has been remarkably accurate and it can hardly be doubted that all which it subsequently describes are true. Some of the verifications of the Big Bang theory include the discovery of the Cosmic Background Radiation (CBR) and the accurate prediction of the relative abundance of light elements formed during the period of primordial nucleosynthesis between a hundredth of a second and a few minutes after the bang.

Big Bang hypothesized that the universe began in a fiery explosion of energy (essentially, pure energy takes the form of electromagnetic radiation, of which visible light is a part of. However, because of the high energy content here, the radiation is of incredibly high frequency as compared to that of visible light which we are much more familiar with) and spacetime. The energy then subsequently cooled down to condense into matter after the fashion of Einstein's famous equation of E = mc^2 and photons, (the smallest bundle of light energy which exhibit particle-like properties) which were free to roam around the expanding universe. As the universe expanded, its temperature cooled, not too unlike how a compressed aerosol can cools when you release its compressed contents. Physicists thus predicted that the present day universe ought to have a temperature of around 2 – 3 degrees above absolute zero, and hence, the CBR ought to reflect this by having the radiation spectrum characteristic of a black body which has a temperature of 2 – 3 degrees above absolute zero. (For interested readers, you may wish to read up on black body radiation, first discovered by Max Planck. It can be easily found in most, modern physics textbooks). Subsequent measurement by NASA's Cosmic Background Explorer (COBE) satellite in the early 1990s, have allowed physicists to confirm, with high precision, that this is indeed the case with our universe. Currently, our universe is about 2.7 degrees above absolute zero, and we are bathed in a sea of low energy photons that is responsible for the static noises one hears on a radio when it is not tuned to any station. Score one for the Big Bang theory.

According to nuclear theory and thermodynamics, it is possible for physicists to predict that about 23 percent of the universe should be composed of helium. Amazingly, measurements of the relative abundance of helium in stars and nebulae have confirmed their predictions. Of greater significance is the prediction and subsequent confirmation of the relative deuterium abundance in our universe since there is essentially no astrophysical process, other than the big bang, that can account for its small but definite presence throughout the cosmos. 'The confirmation of these abundances, and more recently that of lithium, is a sensitive test of our understanding of early universe physics back to the time of their primordial synthesis. This is impressive almost to the point of hubris. All the data we possess confirm a theory of cosmology capable of describing the universe from about a hundredth of a second after the bang to the present, some 15 billion years later.' – Brian Greene, The Elegant Universe, Chapter 14, Pg 349. Score two.

It is beyond the scope of this post to elaborate on the other experimental confirmations of the Big Bang, but I hope to have impressed upon you that there is little doubt in the accuracy of the Big Bang theory; at least in the description of events after 10^-43 seconds after the bang. We can thus quite safely say that the events which it describes after the initial 10^-43 seconds are facts. Indeed, the scientific community has little doubt in them. Well then, one might now quite impatiently ask: 'Just what exactly is so unimaginable about the universe being created by random chance?'

It is unimaginable for quite a number of reasons. When the universe was created, it was an explosion of pure energy in the form of highly energetic photons. A photon (energy) 'decomposes' into matter by transforming into a pair of matter and anti-matter particle. The problem is: when matter and anti-matter meets, they annihilate to form photons. Therefore, the universe today should logically just consist of pure energy since all the matter and anti-matter particles produced as the universe cooled ought to have annihilated each other. However, there has evidently been an instability of some sorts which has allowed for all the matter which one sees today to have formed. To this date, no one knows why the universe has something rather than nothing. All we know is that there is something because we're here today contemplating the why. Physicists have however, been able to extrapolate the scale of the instability. And it is incredibly small. Out of 1 000 000 000 (a billion) antimatter particles, they were 1 000 000 001 (a billion and one) matter particles created. From that one extra matter particle in every billion pair, comes all the matter than one sees in the universe today.

It is also nothing short of a miracle how atoms (and hence matter as we know it today in the everyday sense of the word) could have even formed. At the heart of an atom is its nucleus which consists of protons and neutrons, although in the simplest of atoms, the hydrogen atom, there is only one proton in its nucleus. However, in all other heavier elements, there is more than one proton in their nuclei. Protons, being positively charged, repel each other. As an analogy, try getting 2 like poles of 2 different magnets to come close together and I'm sure you'll understand the difficulty involved in trying to hold an intact nucleus together. However, the strong nuclear force holds the nucleus together in a very delicate manner. Delicate, because if it had been even slightly weaker, heavier elements which have more than one proton in their nuclei couldn't have formed since the strong force within their nuclei wouldn't be able to overcome the repulsive force of the electrically positive protons (A point to note here: more protons means a greater total repulsive force, but also a greater total attractive force since each proton (and neutron) contributes to the strong force. This explains why heavier elements with more protons can still form). If the above was indeed the case with our universe, then our universe could only consist of hydrogen atoms, wiping out almost all possibility of life (in fact, if I were less cautious, I would say all since while it may be possible for there to be alternative biochemistries not based on carbon, it is virtually ridiculous to suggest that life could originate from only one element – hydrogen). On the other hand, had it been only slightly stronger (2% according to John D. Barrow, Frank J. Tipler. The Anthropic Cosmological Principle. Oxford University Press, 1988, p. 322), hydrogen would have fused into an unstable form of helium (diproton), drastically altering the history of the universe.

And there's more to come. The initial mass/energy of the creation and the strength of the gravitational force play a big part in deciding the fate of the universe. If the initial burst of energy was too powerful or the gravitational force to weak, the universe would have expanded too fast for gravity to cause hydrogen to coalesce and form stars and galaxies. The universe would then be a very cold, big and empty place. On the other hand, had the initial burst of energy been too little or the gravitational force too strong, the universe would have re-collapsed on itself. 'If the rate of expansion one second after the Big Bang had been smaller by even one part in 100 thousand million million (100 000 000 000 000 000), the universe would have recollapsed before it ever reached its present size' – Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time, Pg 138.

Even the rest mass of elementary particles like protons, electrons and neutrons seem extraordinarily fine-tuned. Nature tends to favor low energy states, as such, should the combined rest mass of protons and electrons be significantly larger than the rest mass of neutrons, protons and electrons would combine to form more 'stable', lower energy neutrons. Such a universe would consist of nothing but neutron particles zooming about aimlessly. On the flip side, if the combined rest mass of protons and electrons be significantly lower than the rest mass of neutrons, neutrons will rarely be formed and any neutrons formed will quickly decay into protons and electrons. This poses a problem because as noted above, neutrons, which contribute to the total strength of the strong force holding nuclei together, are essential to the formation of heavier elements. Happily for us however, the rest mass of a proton, neutron and electron are 938.28 MeV, 939.57 MeV, and 0.51 MeV respectively (in subatomic physics, mass is commonly measured as a unit of energy since energy is mass and it's more convenient to measure it in terms of energy). As one can see, the 'coincidence' is quite remarkable. Indeed, 'as things stand, the neutron is just heavy enough to ensure that the Big Bang would yield one neutron to every seven protons, allowing for an abundant supply of hydrogen for star fuel and enough neutrons to build up the heavier elements in the universe' - John Barrow and Frank Tepler, The Anthropic Cosmological Principle, Pg 371.

The formation of carbon, of which the biochemistry of all life here on Earth is based on, is highly dependent on certain 'quirky' properties of nature. Carbon, like all other heavier elements, are formed in the core of stars, not too different from our sun; and hence the popular saying that we are all literally the children of stars. Hydrogen, being the simplest element, was about the only element present after the bang. As gravity caused the massive clouds of hydrogen gas to clump and compress together, their temperatures increased, much like how pumping air into a tire causes the tire to feel warm to the touch. Gradually, the temperature increased to a point whereby it was sufficiently hot for nuclear fusion to take place within the core of a star. Here, hydrogen nuclei which smash into each other with sufficient energy can overcome the electrostatic repulsion caused by their positively charged nuclei to fuse together, and through a series of reaction, form a helium nucleus. Nuclear fusion gives off massive amounts of energy primarily in the form of highly energetic gamma rays which heat up the interior of the star and prevent it from collapsing under its own weight. Due to the heat generated, nuclear fusion, once started, is a self-sustaining reaction provided there is ample fuel. As the hydrogen fuel is burnt up, helium soon replaces hydrogen as the primary element present within a star. Once there is insufficient hydrogen burning to keep the star from collapsing on itself, it will once again undergo compression under its own gravitational force, causing temperature within its core to once again soar until it reaches a high enough temperature for helium fusion to commence. One of the primary products of helium fusion is, as you might have guessed, carbon-12, the element on which all of our biochemistries here on Earth are based on. The formation of carbon-12 from the fusion of helium nuclei is a 2 step reaction. When 2 helium nuclei fuse together, they form a highly unstable product, beryillum-8. This is a reversible reaction since beryillum-8 is, as mentioned previously, highly unstable. However, as the core of the star until to collapse under its own weight, the temperature eventually reaches a point whereby the rate of the forward reaction (helium fusing into beryllium) rivals and even overtake the rate of the reverse reaction (beryllium decaying back into helium). Thus, there will always be small amounts of beryillum-8 within the core to react with another helium nucleus to form the stable carbon-12. However, the probability of this reaction would have been extremely low if not for a rather strange coincidence in nature. It should have been extremely low because the half-life of beryillum-8 is astoundingly short. For carbon-12 to be formed from beryillum-8, the beryillum-8 nuclei has to, within 0.0000000000000001 seconds, collide with another helium nuclei with sufficient energy to form carbon-12. Yet, by an odd coincidence, if it indeed be coincidence, the energy of the reacting nuclei (beryillum-8 and helium-4) is exquisitely equal to the energy of carbon-12 in its excited state. This results in a resonance which greatly increases the probability of the reaction. A similar resonance present in the first step of the reaction further boosts the probability of the entire reaction. Indeed, it is sufficiently astounding that Sir Fred Hoyle, who first studied this reaction as an atheist remarked the following: 'A common sense interpretation of the facts suggests that a super intellect has monkeyed with physics, as well as with chemistry and biology, and that there are no blind forces worth speaking about in nature. The numbers one calculates from the facts seem to me so overwhelming as to put this conclusion almost beyond question' – Fred Hoyle, The Universe: Past and Present Reflections, Engineering and Science, November 1981, pg 8-12.

Related to the above paragraph on nuclear fusion reactions within stars is the delicate fine-tuning of the relative strengths of the electromagnetic and gravitational force in our universe. The rate of nuclear fusion reactions within stars is highly dependent on the relative strength of these 2 forces. Gravitational strength affects how much the stars compress and is hence related to the temperature within the core. The higher the temperature, the more energetic the nuclei would be and the more likely they will fuse. The electromagnetic repulsion of one nucleus to another however, prevents the fusing. For fusion to take place, 2 nuclei must come sufficiently close to each other. And hence, their kinetic energy, which is dependent on the temperature and hence the gravitational strength, must be sufficient to overcome the electromagnetic repulsion. 'If this ratio of strengths were altered to 10^{^}32 instead of 10^38 (meaning that gravity is stronger or the electromagnetic force is weaker), stars would be a billion times less massive and would burn a million times faster' - John Leslie, Universes (New York: Routledge,1989), Pg 36-39. At first glance, this might not seem to be much of a problem. However, if stars were to burn much faster, there will be insufficient time for planets capable of supporting life like earth to form, and hence life would never have formed.

I hope to have impressed upon you by now just how remarkable and 'unimaginable' the odds are; and I've hardly scratched the tip of the iceberg. Entire papers have been written at how fine-tuned the universe is and the above are but a few points. Furthermore, if one considers that our carbon-based biochemistry is the only possible way which life could have formed, then it is even more remarkable how life could have formed on earth since the formation of an earth capable of supporting carbon-based life is another set of ridiculous odds. The above are scientific facts, obtained through rigorous experiments and peer reviewed. While there may be many that disagree on the interpretation of the data, there is no disagreement that the universe in which we inhabit is delicately and exquisitely fine-tuned for life to form. As Freeman Dyson, a distinguished English-born American theoretical physicist puts it in Barrow and Tipler, The Anthropic Cosmological Principle, Pg 318: "The more I examine the universe and the details of its architecture, the more evidence I find that the universe in some sense must have known we were coming".

Before we go on however, I would like to quote a verse, written more than a thousand years ago, before modern science was even conceived.

Romans 1:18-19

'Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath showed it unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse'. (King James Version)

Now that we know the universe is delicately and exquisitely fine-tuned for life, we can begin to ponder about its interpretation. Let us attempt to approach it rationally; the approach most atheists prefer. One of the explanations commonly given for the happy coincidences observed in our universe is that the Big Bang is not a onetime event. There are theories in which our universe is within another universe in which 'baby' universes are constantly being created with different physical constants and even perhaps, different physical laws. Our universe is hence not uniquely tuned to life; out of the infinitely many 'baby' universes created, one just happened to have the right conditions for life to form and thus we are here today, contemplating the why. It may be that these theories are true, and it may be that they aren't. There is just simply no way to proof it because all our scientific observations and tools are limited to within our own universe. We cannot, so to speak, see outside our own universe. If one wants to believe that this theory is true, than one can only accept it on complete, absolute blind faith since there is no evidence, scientific or otherwise, that can support it.

Another explanation given for the coincidences is that we're simply plain lucky. Never mind that the possibility is extremely small and 'the precision as if one could throw a dart across the entire universe and hit a bulls eye one millimeter in diameter on the other side' (Michael Turner - University of Chicago). Theoretically, it is possible that we could be that lucky; logically however, it is pretty much next to impossible (remember that the low probability is due to the quirky nature of the very laws and constants of our universe, things which are inherent to its very fabric. Since there is only one big bang (there would be absolutely no way of knowing if there was more than one bang as explained above), the universe would have to get everything right on its first and only shot).

The last explanation is that this universe in which we inhabit is not created by accident, but rather, was designed by a designer. If there is indeed a designer, then He must necessarily be outside of this universe in order to have created it. To paraphrase C.S Lewis, if there indeed is a designer, then He cannot be in this universe any more than how an architect can be part of the house (like for example, a wall) he designed. Well, if that be the case, than as with the theory of multi-universes, we would be unable to find any scientific evidences for it. Does this condemn us to choose only the second explanation that we are extremely lucky? Not quite. There is a subtle but yet significant difference between theories of multi-universes and explanations of a divine designer being involved: explanations of a divine designer being involved have been around for centuries whereas theories of multi-universes came about only after the inability of the Big Bang to explain the seemingly quirky nature and beginning of our universe became apparent. At this, you might argue that the reason for the former being existent since time immemorial is due to us humans often making the mistake of ascribing that which we do not know to the realm of the supernatural. It is certainly true that many of us have made that mistake and still do even to this day (and I pray that I've not made that mistake anywhere in this article). Yet, there are few religions in the world that actually expound an intelligent designer or give an account of the beginnings of the universe. Those who ascribe that which they do not understand to the supernatural often come out with a faith with many deities responsible for different unexplained phenomenon. Take for example Greek mythology with its many gods and legends and the direction from which I'm coming from becomes evident. The reason for this correlation is simple: the ancients who do not understand the causes of various natural phenomenon ascribe them to the actions of human-like (or in certain cases, personified inanimate objects or animals) deities whose behaviors and actions are familiar to them. But what about a faith which describes a one and only Creator (which in almost all practicality means an Abrahamic faith since almost all other major religions in the world which are not Abrahamic are polytheistic) who created all which is seen and unseen? Was it 'created' by ancients to explain away that which they could not comprehend? More specifically, is the God described by, for example, the Holy Bible, someone whom the ancients created to make sense of the world about them? To answer this question, one would have to at least read through some portions of the bible. Yet, the answer to this question is not too difficult to arrive at. If anyone were to pick up a bible and read it, he/she will soon come to the conclusion that whoever the author of the bible may be, he/she is certainly not the least concerned with explaining any form of natural phenomenon. Indeed, one would be hard pressed to find any form of explanation whatsoever on any natural phenomenon in the bible. Even in the first chapter of Genesis, it merely describes the formation of the universe. I dare say that in nowhere has the author of the bible ever attempted to explain to us the workings of the universe in the scientific sense. Thus, we can put to rest the claim that an Abrahamic faith was created by the ancients to explain away that which they do not comprehend. With that claim put to rest, we can then proceed to compare between the explanation given by an Abrahamic faith and the explanations given by theories of multi-universes on the birth of the universe.

As previously noted, there is no way in which we can scientifically prove either explanation. However, the subtle difference between the two is that an Abrahamic faith, at its core, does not attempt to explain the birth of the universe. Rather, its explanation is a 'side-effect' of its claim of a God who is the Creator of the heavens and of the earth; a God who is the designer of this world. If an Abrahamic faith's core business is not to explain the birth of the universe (as the core business of a multi-universe theory is), then what exactly is it concerned about? A quick cursory glance at the texts of Abrahamic faiths will quickly show that they are concerned about, perhaps somewhat surprisingly, us humans. On the one hand, we have theories of multi-universes whose authenticity we have absolutely no way to prove (scientific or otherwise); on the other hand, we have Abrahamic faiths which have had a long history and texts from which we may use to judge their reliability. At this juncture, you are probably bristling with objections. After all, even if the texts are absolutely accurate in that which they describe (us in general), it by no means provide any assurance that they will be entirely accurate. It may well be that despite them being entirely accurate in that which they mainly describe (us), there are portions of it which are erroneous (like for example, there being a God who created the world). You are certainly well within your rights to make such an objection; however, I submit to you that making such assumptions are not as illogical and/or uncommon as you might think.

To prove this assertion of mine, I'm afraid that I'll have to take you through a brief trip in scientific history. Ever since the advent of modern science, numerous theories have been formulated and successfully tested out by vigorous experiments. The use of mathematics in describing the natural world has been nothing short of a stunning success. Indeed, it has been so successful that there are some who now question the unreasonable effectiveness of it. After all, mathematics is a logical and ordered science; nature, by comparison, is random and disordered. The underlying ordered laws of the universe beneath the apparent random and disordered world which we live in is something which continues to amaze scientists. However, this amazement is becoming more than just awe; it is becoming a guiding rod for physicists as they probe deeper into nature's mysteries. Theorists and experimenters have always worked in tandem since the birth of science. The latter gives the former much needed feedback to correct their theories and to point their advance towards the correct direction. However, as theoretical physics (especially in the fields of superstring, super symmetry and other viable theories of everything) becomes increasingly advanced, our existing technology is unable to keep up. In short, the experimenters now do not have the means to experimentally verify the predictions of new (superstring and super symmetry) theories; a key requirement for any new theory to be accepted. Without experimental confirmations to guide their paths, superstring and super symmetry theorists are now left to tread the unknowns blindly; and it is here where one sees that even physicists who are arguably among the most logical and rational of all people, subscribe to the assumption which I proposed in the above paragraph (that if many portions of a text is true, then it is likely that the whole text is true). Bereft of aid from experiments, theorists use all their prior experience that the universe has, beneath its random and disordered appearance, elegant and symmetric laws to guide their advance into the unknown. Every day, thousands of physicists, with nothing much left to guide them, use the assumption that because nature's laws are always elegant and orderly, the new theories which they are creating should also reflect elegance and an over-arching unity throughout the universe. Does the reliance on such assumptions by physicists justify it? No, it certainly does not. However, I merely wish to point out that such faith in a pattern is not uncommon, but rather, quite prevalent in not only science, but everyday life.

Assuming that you are able to swallow the above pill of making such an assumption, we are now faced with the challenge of choosing which Abrahamic text to scrutinize. Before we go any further however, let us recall that we have agreed at how exquisitely fine-tuned our universe is. Of the 3 possible explanations for this fine-tuning, we are now trying to compare the theories of multi-universes with that of a divine Creator being involved. We have recognized that there is no way, scientific or otherwise, to prove the theories of multi-universes; however, while there is also no way to scientifically prove the existence of a divine Creator, we can, from the religious texts of various religions, judge if they are true on the basis of the assumption that if the majority of a text is true, then it is likely that the entire text is true. Also, we have narrowed down the religions to be examined by cancelling out all polytheistic religions (which are mostly pagan and do not have an account of the creation of the universe), leaving us with mainly the Abrahamic faiths. The Abrahamic faiths include: Judaism, Christianity, Islam; and arguably, Baha'i and Druze. However, out of these 5 faiths, only the texts of Judaism and Christianity offer an account on the creation of the universe. By default then, the other 3 are irrelevant. We are thus now left with Judaism and Christianity, both of which are closely related. In fact, the text of Judaism, the Torah, is a subset of the text of Christianity, the Holy Bible. Indeed, Genesis 1, the chapter which describes the formation of the universe, is found on the first page of both texts. For our purposes of comparing the explanations of the theories of multi-universes and the explanation of a divine Creator being involved in the creation of the universe, it does not matter whether the Torah or the Holy Bible is used since they are both describing the same Creator in identical chapters of Genesis. In this instance, we shall use the Holy Bible as the text to be scrutinized.

The Holy Bible consists of 66 books and can, in large print, be thousands of pages long. It would be near impossible for us to scrutinize a majority of the text here. There is no easy way out, I'm afraid. If you wish to pursue this argument in its entirety, you will have to read the entire bible. However, what I hope to have achieved by now is to at least arouse your curiosity in this matter and to have pointed to you the correct direction for further reading. Still, to prevent you from labeling me as a cheat of your time, I shall help you in your scrutiny of some verses by quoting some of them below as food for your thought; and hopefully, these will serve to lead you on to further read the bible.

Romans 3:10

'As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one' (King James Version)

Ecclesiastes 7:20

'For there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not.' (KJV)

Romans 7:15

'For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.' (KJV)

'I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.' (New International Version)

If one were to be honest with oneself, the truth of the above 3 verses becomes painfully evident. 'That which I do' in Romans 7:15 (KJV), when read in its context, was meant to mean the sins which we always seem to commit, the things which we do to hurt others and God. 'What I would' in Romans 7:15 (KJV), when read in context of the passage, refers to the kind deeds that we know we ought to do but almost always fail to. Have you ever felt helpless in being unable to not do something which when done makes you feel guilty? Or have you sometimes felt this sense of emptiness within you that Ecclesiastes 1:2-8 and 11 below describes?

'Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity. What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth forever. The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose. The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits. All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again. All things are full of labor; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing nor the ear filled with hearing.'

'There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after.'

Perhaps somewhat more intriguing are the prophecies that the bible contains. One of which that can be most clearly seen as being fulfilled today is the re-birth of the state/nation of Israel. Recorded and spoken of by Jesus himself in Luke 21:24, 'And they (the Israelites) shall fall by the edge of the sword, and shall be led away captive into all nations: and Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled'. There can be no historical doubt that Jesus died before the Israelites were utterly scattered in AD 73 after the last Jewish resistance was crushed by Roman forces at the mountain fortress of Masada. Neither can it be doubted that he died before AD 1948 when the modern state of Israel came into existence and survived against all odds; implying that the statement was certainly a prophecy. No other ethnic group has ever been scattered all over the world only to regroup as a national state in their original land thousands of years later. There was absolutely no basis for Jesus to believe that the Israelites could pull off such a stunt; after all, no one has ever done it before. Nonetheless, he predicted the above with boldness and today, we are left only to marvel at the stunning truth in His words.

At this point in time, it is perfectly understandable if you remain skeptical that the bible is true; after all, these verses can hardly be said to represent the majority of the bible. For one to accept that the bible is entirely true one has to first accept that the majority of the bible is amazingly accurate; and hence, by reason of the assumption spoken of earlier, it is entirely true. And there is no way that you can judge for yourself whether the majority of the bible is accurate until you have picked up one for yourself to read. Therefore, here is my challenge to you that have followed me thus far into this article: read the bible and judge for yourself its content.

As I draw near to the close of this article, let us recall that there are 3 possible explanations to this exquisitely fine-tuned universe (of which there is no dispute) in which we are living in. The first of which is that there were multiple bangs and hence multiple universes. Many universes with various different laws and natural constants are constantly being created. We aren't lucky or special; we just happen to be in a universe that is tuned to supporting life. The second explanation would be that we are simply just plain ridiculously lucky. And finally, the third explanation is that there is a Creator who designed this universe and us.

We thus see that a belief in atheism requires one to either believe in explanation number one or two. If an atheist believes in explanation two, he/she has to illogically believe in impossibly small odds because one is required to believe that this exquisitely fine-tuned universe in which we live in came about by pure chance. As stressed earlier in the article, this fine-tuning is inherent to the very laws and fabric of our universe. It is manifested immediately at the moment of the bang. Since there is only one bang (there is absolutely no way that we can know if there were more than one since there is no way that our scientific measurements can look out of our universe. One has to rely on absolute blind faith to say that there was more than one bang), the universe had only one chance to get everything right at its first attempt. This accounts for its impossibly small probability; but an impossibly small probability alone does not make an atheist who believes in it illogical. He/she is being illogical because he/she is refusing to accept the other possible explanation that there is a Creator who designed the world; an explanation which has a much higher probability of being true because if there is Creator, everything else falls neatly into place. On the other hand, if as he/she believes that there is no Creator, even if one parameter of the universe falls into place, there are still many that has to fall into place for it to work. To paraphrase John Leslie, suppose an individual faces a shooting squad of a 100 top marksmen and the order for the execution is given. To the surprise of everyone at the scene, all the 100 marksmen missed their target which was but a mere 20 meters (anyone who has ever fired a decent rifle will know that one has to be monumentally gifted to miss a man size target at 20 meters) away from them. Would you then, rationally conclude that the guilty man was ridiculously lucky or would you infer then that there is a conspiracy among the shooters to let the guilty go unpunished? On the other extreme, if an atheist believes in explanation one, then he/she simply believes it on absolute blind faith alone since there is no way anyone can, by scientific means or otherwise, prove it. Again, it is rather illogical to choose explanation one over explanation three in this case because although the existence of a Creator also cannot be scientifically proven as well, there is at least another means by which to judge its reliability: reading the bible.

Given the difficulty that an atheist faces in substantiating his/her point of view, it might be easier to be an agnostic. However, if you have kept with me to this point, I'm reasonably sure that you're not just content to accept the answer that there can be no answer. Curiosity and the desire to know more is surely the bane of a mild agnostic viewpoint. Or perhaps you think there might or might not be a God, but that His existence does not matter a lot to you. Take up my challenge and read the bible. See for yourself if there is indeed a God, and find out for yourself just who He is. You might of course ask the question: "Why Christianity?" Well, firstly, it's a monotheistic religion. Polytheistic religions are often the result of an over-active human imagination; if there's going to be a Creator of the universe it seems to me that He has to be the one and only God. If He wasn't, then someone else had to have created Him and hence, He wouldn't be the Creator.

Secondly, it is the only religion in the world whereby a person actually claims to be the Son of God and that no one else can go to the Father except through Him. You realize of course, that this is an enormous, almost preposterous claim. In all honesty, it is indeed, and one which ultimately cost Him His life. It is so preposterous that in all the religions in the world, Christianity is the only unique one that has someone claiming that He is God.

Thirdly, the historicity of the bible can hardly be doubted. The bible contains scores upon scores of historical records that can and has been cross referenced against secular historical records with amazing accuracy. The historicity of ancient documents is judged using various measures; one of which measures the time elapsed between the writing and the event being described. Obviously, the shorter the time elapsed, the better the historicity of the document. Compared to most other historical documents that are typically written hundreds of years after the event in ancient times, the bible is astoundingly accurate in that most of the writings in the New Testament were written less than a hundred years after the events. In certain cases, they were written a mere 20-30 years after the event. Another measure includes the number of reliable, early manuscript produced. As in the previous case, the bible beats all other ancient historical documents hands down on this measure. Indeed, as F. F Bruce has written, 'The historicity of Christ is as axiomatic for an unbiased historian as the historicity of Julius Caesar.' (F. F Bruce, The New Testament Documents, Are They Reliable?)

Fourthly, Christianity is the only unique religion in the world which teaches that God actually reaches down to us humans. In all other moralistic religions, humans are always taught to 'earn' their way into heaven by doing good deeds. However, Christianity is unique in that it is the one and only religion whereby God Himself actually came down onto earth to die as a human being so that we may be saved and be with Him in heaven. One might ask if such an act was truly necessary. Yet, the answer to such a question can perhaps be best answered by each and every one of us as we search deep into our own hearts. Unique to us humans is perhaps the existence of what C.S Lewis calls the Moral Law. It is that deep silent voice within all of us humans that seem to point to something greater. Why do we feel guilty when we have done something which we instinctively know to be wrong? This wrong might not be noticed by anyone else but us; nevertheless, that guilty pang continues to nag at our heart. Take for example a student contemplating cheating. He has yet to commit the wrong, however, the very thought of cheating feels him with guilt. This should not be confused with the fear of being caught. The fear might or might not exist depending on the student's prior experience; the guilt however is present regardless of his prior experience. Even when he has successfully committed the act without being caught, he still feels guilty for it. Why? Or have you ever wondered why do we have this innate altruistic desire to make a positive difference in another person's life, to make another person smile? Some have attributed this to evolutionary pressures. However, evolution does little to account for true altruism. True altruism is the selfless giving of oneself for another without expecting any return. Consider the following scenario: You see a man drowning in a pool. You're not exactly a strong swimmer, but yet, the Moral Law compels you to save him. Why? And how can evolution account for it? Think about it personally. If you were in that situation, would you save him because you want to save his life, or would you save him because you think that by saving him, he might one day save your life too? It is of no evolution benefit for us to risk saving another person of the same gender. Yet, the inner voice deep within us urges us to do it. You argue perhaps, that there are indirect evolutionary benefits for the practitioner of altruism. However, that does not explain away the innate desire for us to do the small acts of kindness that goes unnoticed. Still others have persisted by arguing that there are evolutionary group benefits of altruism. However, that too does not hold water. Let us further extend our previous thought experiment involving the drowning man. For evolutionary group benefits of altruism to work, it would require an opposite response of hostility to those outside the group. Therefore, if evolution was right, then if the drowning man was an enemy outside of my group, I should ignore his dire pleas for help. Strangely though, the Moral Law continues to insist that we save him. Why? Clearly, this Moral Law is not due to evolutionary pressure. If it is not due to evolutionary pressures, then is this Moral Law universal to all human beings? Many have argued that morality is relative; relative depending on the culture that one was brought up in. Nevertheless, as C.S Lewis has found out, that is simply not true. '(that morality is relative is) a lie, a good resounding lie. If a man will go into a library and spend a few days with the Encyclopedia of Religion and Ethics, he will soon discover the massive unanimity of the practical reason in man. From the Babylonian Hymn to Samos, from the laws of Manu, the Book of the Dead, the Analects, the Stoics, the Platonists, from Australian aborigines and Redskins, he will collect the same triumphantly monotonous denunciations of oppression, murder, treachery and falsehood; the same injunctions of kindness to the aged, the young, and the weak, of almsgiving and impartiality and honesty.' ("The Poison of Subjectivism", C. S. Lewis, Christian Reflections, Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1967 Pg 77) If morality is not of evolution, and is absolute and universal among human beings, then if we are honest with ourselves, it is a law with which we break frequently. But what implications does that have? Indeed, why does this make Jesus' sacrifice necessary? Well, if a God who created us placed such high standards of morality within us all, it is not difficult to infer that He is a righteous God who cannot bear our iniquities. And if we are honest with ourselves, we realize that we are so stained with wrongs that it becomes impossible for us to be reconciled to Him. Thus, His sacrifice is necessary to bring us to Him, because by our own power, we are unable to be righteous before Him.

Fifthly, of all the moralistic religions in which there is a Judgment day whereby God judges and holds everyone accountable for their deeds, Christianity is the only religion that can claim to have a fair judge because God the judge, came down to earth Himself as a human to face the very same trials and temptations as us; but despite facing the same temptations as us, he did not succumb to any of them. We are thus robbed of the defense that God does not know what it feels like to be a human facing the trials that we faced here on earth.

The list goes on. However, I would like to close here with one last point with regards to 'Why Christianity?' Above all, Christianity is a religion in which God wants to have a personal relationship with us as individuals. At its heart, it is all about that personal relationship between you and God, your heavenly Father. Have you ever wondered why is there this desire to love and to be loved deep down within you? One might argue that this is once again, a product of evolution. But is it really? How many times in this article has evolution been shown to be erroneous? Ultimately, you will always need to make that leap of faith to believe in Him. But I sincerely hope that this article will serve to make you want to find out more about Him. Read the bible and judge for yourself. In closing, I would like to leave you, the reader who has faithfully stayed with me thus far, with a few verses.

Matthew 7:7-11

'Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?'

Seek Him with a sincere heart and attitude, and you'll find Him closer than you think He is. You might not find Him immediately, but persist and you'll find Him. Give yourself a chance; read and find out more about Him, because ultimately, you have to make that personal decision. And do not by troubled by Genesis 1 whereby God created the world in 6, literal, 24 hours day. Modern science is not incompatible with Christianity. Indeed, as the apostle Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 6:20-21 to Timothy, 'O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called: which some professing have erred concerning the faith. Grace be with thee. Amen.' It is however, beyond the scope of this article to discuss how Genesis 1 can be compatible with modern science. I shall do so in another article when time permits. Till then, please, do make an effort to read and judge for yourself the bible.

A run down memory lane

2008-02-09T09:04:00.001+08:00

One of the reasons why I like running is that running takes you to different places. Yes, I know that is a given but most people don't seem to see running as a form of 'transportation'. To be honest, it really isn't the most ideal form of transporation in the literal sense since you often end up at your destination both tired and drenched in sweat (especially here in Singapore). However, more than just the literal transportation of one's physical location, running often brings one back to times long gone. And thus it was that I went back in time when I ran from East Coast to Kallang yesterday.

Kallang will always be a place dear to me, simply because it was there where I grew up into who I am during those countless trainings. When I first started my run, I had no idea which route to take. My final destination was Kallang of course, but I couldn't decide on exactly which route to take. Therefore, I decided in the course of my run that I would simply visit all the places which held memories for me. Coming down from East Coast, the first landmark I came to was the 'overhead bridge' that spans the long gao (in our coach's jargon). That was the turning point for us as we 'ran the gaunlet' from the 1000m mark out in the basin to the long gao (a rather large canal that we can row in). We rarely went there in my later years of training because the construction of an underground expressway link in the long gao caused the place to be shut off to all water traffic. However, I distinctly remember training there on many hot afternoons and early mornings when I was in Sec 1, rowing a T-1, Medusa or Tortoise (these were names of our boats). Haha. It was also the place where we used to train in our dragonboats. I particularly remember one training session in which Mr. Jason Chin misread Sir's instructions and nearly killed all of us by making us do a crazy amount of sets without much rest. Thankfully, the heavens were kind to us that day and they refreshed us with cool waters from above. I vividly remember gasping for breath after an exhausting 2:00 min set and lifting my parched mouth to the overcast sky. It is amazing how refreshing those cold drops of rain water can be when one is spent.

Crossing the 'overhead bridge', I came to the Macs and KFC opposite the national stadium. That brought back memories of me walking with Roger and Qiang to Macs to get supper for the rest of the guys at his place. It was raining then and we had to put up in one of those disused bus stops because Macs or KFC wouldn't allow Roger in. So it was that the two of us and a big dog waited there in the dark bus stop for the rain to lighten before beginning our journery back to Qiang's place. I distinctly remember Roger wanting to eat some of our Macs food, but well, Macs isnt' very healthy for him so we didn't really give him any. Silly dog. I haven't seen him for quite some time, but I daresay he can easily knock me over by now. He is deceptively strong even then. I hope he still remembers me. Running past Macs, I soon came to Kallang Tennis Centre. And it was there that I was reminded once again of God's unbelievable sense of humour. Truly, He works in mysterious and completely unexpected ways.

The towering structure of the National Stadium soon loomed before me; and as I stared up at the steps leading to its western entrance, I heard from a time long gone, the sharp intakes of breaths from those beside me as we sprinted up the stairs, competing to finish the sprint and the mixture of push-ups, sit-ups and burpees after it first. And so it was that I, deciding to re-live those former days, charged up the stairs as I had done so all those years ago, complete with the exhausting exercises at the top of the stairs. I can't remember how many sets I did, but I'm actually aching today, a reflection of the dismal state of fitness I'm currently in. Exhausted, I jogged into the national stadium itself and was greeted by a seperate set of memories. As I passed by the blue KATC gym door, I saw through its wooden frame, the time when I was struggling to bench pull the crazy weights that Marcus always seemed to have no trouble lifting. And I saw Boris in there, bare footed as always, shepherding us to the track after all our exercises for the 1200m dash. Spent as I was from the 'stair-case circuit', I nevertheless decided to run the best that I could for the 1200m. Admittedly, my first 800m was done at a terribly slow pace, but at least for the last 400m, I managed to muster up what is left of my strength to finish off with a reasonable pace. The scene was somewhat familiar. The stands were empty and the stadium deserted. Only this time, there was daylight. We used to finish all our exercises in the KATC gym after nightfall, and therefore, the run was always done in the cover of darkness. I vividly remember chasing the vague shadows of people in front of me while struggling to stay ahead of the footsteps behind me. Completely breathless now, I walked out of the stadium to the road facing the kallang basin. It was oddly reminiscent of the time when I would walk out, exhausted but glad that another training was over. It would be completely dark by then; and I would walk to the street lamps by the side of the road and wait for my mum to pick me up. Sometimes, when there was a test tomorrow or if there was just simply to much work to do, I would resort to studying under the amber light of the street lamp. Whenever I was stuck on something, I would gaze up and look into the impenetrable darkness of the waters before me and the glowing outlines of Suntec City beyond them. Truth be told, it was a beautiful sight. But back then, I had little time to enjoy it. It was always a short respite before plunging back into the depths of F-maths, a subject that I was always failing in back then. Walking past the street lamps, I crossed the road to the banks of the basin. Here, I remembered organising the team for the final assault for the title, in which we all, by God's grace, came back victorious. And of course, I remembered how Zhi Wei and the team 'betrayed' our trust and poled us. -_-"

Knowing that I have to start running again to help get the lactic acid out of my legs, I started on my jog towards SDBA. It was a short journey and it didn't take long for me to arrive at the place where I had used to train. Everything there seemed more or less the same, except that there were now more showering cubicles outside of the toilets. Other than that, almost everything else remained the same. The vending machine that plays the funny tune when one insert coins into it looked the same as ever. So does the benches in which we used to sit on to gaze at the sea after training and the chin-up bars where all of us hang onto to take the last team photo there. Even the locks at one of our disused racks looked the same. Walking into the toilet, I was reminded of the times when I would be afraid to shower because when the clean water ran down my back and washed the open wound, the pain would be excruciating. As a result, I would always be the last to shower. But inevitably, I would have to shower. And so, after I have mustered up enough courage, I would step into the running water with eyes shut and jaws clenched tight, trying to think of happy memories while the water washed the open wound. Those were the days...

Leaving SDBA, I jogged (notice that by now I'm reduced to jogging instead of running) my way down to NCC, where we used to keep our boats back when I was still Sec 1. The place was locked up of course, but I could remember the days in which we still trained there. In particular, I remember the 1st of March, 2001 (Yup, that's Founder's Day). The ground was incredibily hot that day, and we were all running really fast so that our feet contacted the ground for as little time as possible. And I remembered Khairul and me being punished by Issac for standing in the water in an attempt to cool our feets. The pier where we always had our debriefs back then looked the same as ever. Somehow, I was reminded of the time when Shaun was looking at a couple taking their wedding photos while Sir was debriefing us. I can't remember what Sir did to him, but I remembered it was quite amusing. By then, I was rather tired (not to mention late), and so I decided to call it a day, but not before I did the usual post-training 70 elavated push-ups at the pier, after the fashion of the AC canoeing team. Enjoying the sea breeze for a while more, I then began on the run back to East Coast to conclude the run down a rather long memory lane. It had been a most enjoyable run.

Marriage

2008-02-07T11:08:00.000+08:00

I've had a most interesting 2 weeks since I ended my course at Ayer Rajar Camp. It wasn't quite so much due to me being back at my unit where I struggled between the two extremes of boredom and endless working than it was that I had serveral conversations with different people. To top if off, I was once again reminded of the rather odd and, as some may believe it, coincidental formula - (29+17)/2 = 23. Yes, I know that this formula seems ridiculously simple and normal, yet I cannot help but be amused and amazed at God's sense of humour.

In any case, my conversations with my friend's mum and my coach have shed some light on the curious subject of marriage. My thoughts about this subject have always ended up with the questions at the bottom of my previous post. I shall now attempt to answer some of them with the insights that I've gained in the last week. A disclaimer before I began though, many of my 'answers' aren't really answers in the fashion of scientific answers with rigourous proofs. Rather, they are based mostly on empirical observations, and even so, they may not paint a complete picture since I obviously have not observed much of the world. It cannot be doubted that God approves of marriage. After all, He made man and woman to be together. Indeed, He Himself ordained the marriage between Adam and Eve before the fall and the introduction of evil into the world. Marriage then, was sacred and holy, for it was something which God approved of and created before sin came into our world. The question however, is whether God wills everyone of us to be married. After all, even though marriage is certainly approved and pleasing in God's eyes, are not many of God's most loyal children single? Inevitably linked to this line of thought would be the question of whether we have in all of us an innate desire to be married.

Personally, I believe that all of us do have an innate desire to settle down. That voice is perhaps buried deep within us, but I believe that it is present. In a way, it is analagous to the quiet voices which prompt us to seek a meaning in life and to question if there really is a God. As an aside, I find the following argument rather interesting. There is no reason to believe that something which we desire for does not exist. After all, everything which we desire for, exists. We desire for food when we are hungry; food exists. We desire for water when we are thirsty; water exists. We desire for companionship when we are alone; marriage exists. Well then, if all of us have an innate desire for God, then the only logical conclusion will be that God exists. Of course, many will argue that not all of us have an innate desire for God. To this contention, I have no defence save that those who so argues, should search deep within themselves truthfully and ask the question if they find within themselves an emptiness that can never be adequately filled. I apologise for the distracting detour, but I thought that it would be an interesting food for thought. Returning to my topic on marriage, some might similarly argue that not all of us have within us an innate desire to be married. That may be true perhaps, and quite frankly, I proposed that this desire is 'innate' with a rather large pinch of salt. It may be that I've made the all too easy mistake of assuming that everyone thinks in the same way that I do. Nevertheless, from what I've noticed from other people, there is always this tendency to want to settle down after some time (my conversations over the last week have contributed quite a lot to this observation). Besides, having this innate desire to settle down would be in line with God's approval of marriage and His will that man and woman should be one. Assuming that all of us do have an innate desire to settle down then, we are still left with the question as to why some of God's most holy children remain single. After all, if we so desire marriage, something which God Himself approves of, would not God, our loving Heavenly Father give it to us?

When I told my coach of the doctor mentioned in my previous post, he asked me if I thought the doctor contributed more to society as a single man without the burdens of a family than as a married one who had to care for his family. I retorted that while that he may contribute more being single, one might as well argue that all of us should remain single so that we may contribute more to society without the burden of having to look after a family. His answer was simple. Those who are married contribute not only to society in their professional lives, but they too have a sacred responsibility of grooming the new generation. I guess then, it comes down to fact that God has given to each of us different gifts to fufill his different will for each of us. Some of us have been given gifts which would fufill His will better if we were to remain single while others have been given gifts which will fufill His will better if they were to be married. And ultimately, I suppose, the choice is ours. God approves of marriage, but if we so choose that we would serve Him better as a single man/woman, than He would help us with that decision by 'giving us a sense of fufillment' that married couples do not have. If however, we choose to get married and be settled down, I am certain that our loving Heavenly Father will surely not deprive us of that which He Himself has created and ordained.

'Officer Commanding, Zulu Company': "My marriage was a mistake."

2008-01-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

The last 3 weeks have been relatively easy going for me (hence the time for this post). My daily schedule consists of learning more about our vehicles/weapons from 0730hrs to around 1700hrs at Ayer Rajar Camp where I'm currently attending a mandatory course for all newly commissioned armour officers. It was somewhat interesting (for me at least) to learn more on how our vehicles/weapons work. Besides, talking with our instructors who consisted of civillian DXOs as well as staff and master sergeants, was insightful if not entertaining.

Of course, most of the insightful conversations cannot be discussed here, but I shall share some of the more entertaining discussions. There was a certain instructor, who while watching us dismantle a component from the vehicle, started to share with us his "best advice" for us. Haha.

Him: (With a perfectly straight face) "My best advice for all you guys is to remain single. My marriage was a mistake."

Me: (in shock) "How could you say that?!" (I really do pity his wife if he was telling the truth; Thankfully, I doubt that he was.)

Him: "Its true. If I hadn't married, I would have been at least a captain by now."

One of us: "But surely, family is more important than work."

Him: "Nah, nowadays, there are so many computer games that can last a lifetime. If I hadn't married, I would then have the time to finish them all." (I can imagine Barry fainting if he ever reads this)

Another one of us: "But getting married gives one an additional reason to work. Life is too easy if one is single."

And so the conversation continues on. Haha. Sometimes, I don't even know if our instructor is joking (I sure hope, for both his wife and his own sake, that he is). Somehow, it seemed really strange to hear those words coming from his wizened lips. Haha. But beyond the amusement from those conversations, I was reminded of a similar conversation which I once had with my friend's mum. I remember we were talking about my coach and why he, being such an eligible single, was still not married after so many years. One of the conclusions which we came to was that he has spent too much of his personal time grooming and training us. Considering that I used to see him up to 5 times a week for training after school hours (he was a teacher at my school too), such a conclusion was not without basis. And that, in a way, made me felt rather bad. If training and grooming me into who I am has cost him what I consider to be one of life's greatest joy, then I would rather that he has never made me into who I am because I would never be able to repay such a sacrifice. Yet, I'm quite sure that he has never regretted spending so much time on us. "It wasn't easy Jun Yi, but if I could do it all over again, I would choose to do the same thing." These were his exact words that he said to me when I asked him if it was worth the effort. And that really touched me. Perhaps he has never considered marriage as one of life's greatest joy, but I highly doubt it. It's true that I've never asked him that question before, but I would think that he values it as much as the rest of us do. Yet, he chose us rather than happiness for himself. Why? I don't know to be honest. But my friend's mum and I concluded that it was probably because he had a strong sense of purpose in seeing us become who we are today. Training us into who we are today was some sort of a calling to him.

My friend's mum then went on to tell me of yet another person whom she knew and thought was an extremely eligible single, but who has similarly, chosen to remain single. Incidentally, he too is an ACSian and a doctor by profession. An accomplished doctor who runs a private clinic, this unsung ACSian is part of a group of noble doctors who voluntarily goes over to Africa to help treat its improvished and disease strickened people for free. He typically leaves for a few months at any single stretch to provide free medical services for the poor; and since his is a private clinic, it means that for those few months, he is practically without income. Given his frequent abroad stays, it is perhaps not difficult to understand why he isn't married. Nevertheless, he could have simply chosen the easy way out as many doctors here do by simply living a comfortable, stable life in their homeland. However, this man has chosen to make a difference to those in Africa at the expense of his own happiness and fortune. Why? As with my coach, I believe that he felt a calling to do so. Only a strong sense of purpose could have sustained him in doing what he believed in when the majority of his peers sat by uncaringly, seeking rather to treat the richer who can better afford their expensive services. (I'm not against all doctors, but I'm against certain specialists who charge so ridiculously high for even the simplest of things. I can understand if modern medicine, given the cost of its research, comes at an high cost. But certainly, the poor should at least be spared from the high cost of consultation services. It is sad, but I fear that there are some doctors these days who lack that which is perhaps most vital in their profession - compassion. I know I sound naively idealistic, but doctors have a most sacred skill, and I strongly feel that with such skills come a certain responsibility.)

Our conversations with that particular instructor led me to ponder about the all too familiar yet strange thing called 'marriage'. God made man and woman and destined for them to be united as one in marriage. Yet, there has always been godly men and women who chose to remain single so that they may do what I deem is their calling from God. Paul himself was an example. However, as Paul himself wrote, he has never desired to get married. In fact, he considered this one of his 'gift'. His writings do make me wonder though, whether those who chose to give up on marriage ever thought of marriage as one of life's greatest joy. Perhaps some of them never thought quite so highly of marriage, yet I'm quite certain that there are some too, who did. My question to those who did then, is why not? Is it because they were always too busy with their calling? If so, they would have made a huge sacrifice. Or perhaps the lack of someone suitable? On an even more profound level, I wonder what God's will for them were. Did he meant for them to be with that special someone? After all, he created man and woman to be together. Yet at the same time, he has made it such that some of his people should be single. I suppose it is quite pointless asking such 'why' questions since God hardly ever answers 'why', and who indeed, can know His mind? Nevertheless, I can't help but wonder at them, and hopefully, I will one day know the answers to them.

I vow to Thee, My Country/ The Answer

2008-01-18T23:30:00.000+08:00

I happened to chance upon the song The Answer by Corrinne May recently. It was so amazingly sweet and refreshing. Haha. Apparently, the melody was originally composed by Gustav Holst in the early 20th century. The original hymn's title is (yes, you've guessed it) I vow to Thee, My Country. While the original lyrics has been criticised as being overly patriotic, I still feel that it is a great hymn with a beautiful melody. It kinda makes me miss the hymns that we used to sing back in ACS(I). Somehow, I still prefer traditional hymns. Perhaps it is because their melodies are sweeter and more peaceful. I don't quite have a sweet tooth for food, but I'll admit that I do like sweet melodies (who wouldn't?). In any case, is there anyone out there who knows of churches who still sing such traditional hymns?

Anyway, here's I vow to Thee, My Country.

And here's The Answer.

2008

2008-01-01T20:27:00.000+08:00

I distinctly remember writing a similar entry to this one exactly a year ago. Back then, I had just gotten back from my overnight stay at Zi Qiang's house and I was feeling particularly groggy after having stayed up the entire night. It was a memorable way to enter a new year and I couldn't help reflecting upon the differences as I stood watching the fireworks erupt before and above me with a wine glass in my hand just 20 or so hours before. Compared to last year's racing on bikes from Changi to Esplanade to catch the fireworks, this year's watching was somewhat more elagant. Yet, I miss the fun and that company of friends. Haha. It has been a long time since we had a junior team gathering. That said, I met Ryan, Wei Li, Amanda, Wei Ling and Andrea when I went down to Macritchie on Christmas with the original intent of running. I ended up paddling after my run with Leon, Colin and Ee Ghim. It felt really good to paddle again after all these years. Sometimes, I do still question myself if I made the right decision to leave; but deep down, I guess I know that it was a right choice. My path does goes elsewhere. Nevertheless, it was great to see all of them again. And it was certainly encouraging to see them training even on Christmas. I suppose seeing the women team clinch two bronze medals in the SEA games is a heck of a morale booster. Alas, we guys still have to work a lot harder. Regardless, here's my warmest congratulations to the women team, who after all their hard work and sacrifice, finally managed to obtain a tangible reward. Great job guys, or rather, girls! Haha.

Watching the fireworks explode directly in front and above of one is certainly an awe-inspiring event. Especially when one is on the 19th level of a building with nothing obstructing the view and a wine glass in one's hand. Nevertheless, even as I watched the magnificent display of fireworks erupt into flowers and showers of myriad colours, I was struck by a line which I had read from a book recently. It was from an account of an Iraqi veteran and it goes something like: 'Whenever I hear fireworks these days, my instinctive reaction is to duck'. I do not know why, but that line just struck me for no reason as I looked up into the colour filled night sky. And I was reminded that even as I stood there in comfort, there are many others for whom the future is uncertain. Why am I so lucky? I don't know. All I know is that I should be really grateful for God's grace, and to treasure everything that He has so kindly given to me, so that I may do His will while I'm in this world and, hopefully, be able to give those others a better future. At the same time, I couldn't help but be reminded at how science can be both used to create artillery shells and fireworks. And I pray that my work in science would be used to further, not destroy humanity.

At this moment, I think it is only right that I should give a tribute to Benazir Bhutto who has so bravely died trying to make a difference. The world sorely needs more Benazir Bhuttos. It needs more people who are willing to step out, even in the face of death threats, to give democracy and peace a chance. To Benazir Bhutto, I salute you for your selfless courage. To those despicable and depraved terrorists who have resorted to even killing an unarmed woman, I pray that the Lord will have mercy upon your souls. And to those who are out there, enduring bomb threats and trying to bring peace to the world even while the rest of the world celebrates the new year with fireworks, I salute you also for your selfless acts. May the Lord be with you all and may He give you all a peace which surpasses all understanding.

To end off, I would like to quote Psalm 19, verses 1 to 4.

'The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.'

Amazing.

Forgiveness... and Justice

2007-12-30T14:40:00.000+08:00

Having spent the last few days away from the busy life to which I'm accustomed to in Singapore, I must admit that I now start to see the benefits of meditation. Not that I have been in meditation here, but I certainly treasure this period of relative calm and isolation from the world. It gives me much needed time to mull through things and to study subjects which I never had the time to do so. I'm not claiming to be anti-social. I'm merely asserting that we all need some time to ourselves. Particularly, if one, like myself, likes to reflect on issues.

An interesting subject that I've came across during my stay here would be that of forgiveness. I first stumbled upon it on Nat's blog where I wrote a few comments in response to various other contributions by others. In writing those comments however, it triggered me to see forgiveness on a much larger scale. A scale not confined to our everyday interactions with other people, but rather, a scale that applies to world affairs. And I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness is in severe shortage. Indeed, its shortfall, I feel, is a main contributing factor to the start and continuation of violence all around the world. Conversely, if forgiveness would to abound in our world, peace would soon reign in the stead of violence.

I shall briefly point to some examples in modern history. Let us return to the years of 1918-1919. It was called The Great War by many, and rightly so, for it was the first time that the world has seen such prolonged warfare involving a relatively large number of participants. The human cost, was needless to say, horrific to say the least. Destruction was widespread and lands were devastated. The result? A harsh and punitive treaty which the Allies forced upon the Germans who were labeled the aggressor. The label is debatable, since many Germans at that time felt that they were merely coming to the aid of their ally, Austria. Regardless, the allied nations, particularly France, were intent on punishing the Germans on having wrecked such devastation on their people and land. As a result of such an intention, the Treaty of Versailles was conceived, and hereafter, blamed as one of the chief reasons why World War II started a mere 21 years after the end of World War I. The Treaty of Versailles is widely regarded as being overtly harsh to the Germans. Among other things, it labelled the Germans as the aggressor and thus, wholly responsible for the conflict. The Germans were made to pay reparations to the Allied nations for damage caused by the war. To add insult to injury, the treaty banned conscription in Germany, and severely limited the size of its armed forces. Defence industries were prohibited, as were the import and export of armaments. Germany also lost a good fraction (13%) of its lands, 12% of its coalfields (much it went to France), and half of its iron and steel industry. Furthermore, the Rhineland was to be a demilitarized zone and all oversea colonies were to be given to the Allies (mainly to France and Britain, with Japan taking over a German colony in China). The ramifications of this treaty were many. The German public felt that they were betrayed by their own government. They have not, after all, in technical terms, lost to the Allies. It was but an armistice. Yet, the allies took it to mean a total surrender and unfairly forced the German government then to accept the treaty as a defeated nation without any negotiating power would. The resulting economic hardship caused by the treaty (remember that Germany had to pay reparations even with its economy in tatters and a large part of its industries taken over by France) was tremendous. Social and economic conditions in Germany immediately after the war were appalling. As it has always been the case in history, such conditions breed extremists. It was thus, out of these ashes, that Adolf Hitler rose to power; and by channeling the anger caused by the treaty in the German people, steered Germany towards the greatest conflict mankind has ever seen.

It is now possible for us to see the link between the Treaty of Versailles, the rise of Hitler, and the eventual start of the Second World War. However, let us examine the roots of this conflict in even greater detail. Although not the only cause for the 1939-1945 war, it is certainly fair to say that the Treaty of Versailles was chief among other causes. And, while Britain, and especially the United States, had other purposes in mind besides punishing Germany, it cannot also be doubted that France, who pushed the hardest for the treaty, had in its mind, punishing Germany as the main purpose. Such an intention, can ultimately, be traced back to the inability of the French people and government then to forgive the Germans. One might, of course, argue and question if forgiveness on that magnitude is possible. The answer, I believe, is yes. Incredibly difficult, but possible as I have commented in Nat's blog. Here is an excerpt from that comment:'

I don't think that there are any 'precise, specific conditions for forgiveness'. Quite on the contrary, I believe that there are no conditions for forgiveness; because it was never intended for us to judge, only to forgive. Yes, it is true that heinous crimes have been committed by megalomaniacs bent on genocide and that we, who were not their victims, will never be able to fully comprehend the horror of the crimes in their entirety. Yet, forgiveness, even of such a magnitude is possible. Incredibly difficult, but possible as Eva Kor, a Holocaust survivor, has shown the world. I doubt if I could do the same, and I pray that I should never be so tested. Nevertheless, the point remains that forgiveness on such a magnitude is possible. If someone, who has gone through what is arguably the most traumatic experience anyone can live through, is able to forgive her perpetrators, how much more than, should we forgive the 'lesser' sins that others do unto us without conditions? Furthermore, who are we indeed, to judge others? For we are not like God who truly knows the hearts of everyone. Who are we to judge others when we do not fully understand the minds of men? Who are we to judge, when we ourselves are guilty too of wrongdoing in one way or another? Yes, in this imperfect world that we live in, a system of law and justice has to be put in place so that order and society can exist. Yet, I doubt that God has ever intended for us to judge. If He indeed has, Jesus would never have told his disciples to, if someone struck them on the right cheek, to turn to him the other also. Or indeed, 'to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you'. No, it has always been His will for us to forgive, just like how Jesus told Peter to forgive not just seven times, but seventy seven/seventy times seven times. With regards to our personal moral values then, I do believe that forgiveness should be without conditions.'

Assuming that forgiveness on such a magnitude is indeed humanly possible, one can then see how The Great War could have been avoided if forgiveness had prevailed. Had forgiveness prevailed over vengeance in the French government in 1918, the Treaty of Versailles would not have been so harsh on the Germans; consequently, social conditions after 1918 in Germany would have been milder, and the rise of extremists like Hitler could have been prevented. Had the Germans been not pushed into such a tight corner, Hitler would never be able to garner the support which he enjoyed (it should be noted here that aside from the public, Hitler also had important support from rich industrialists who wouldn't have been much affected had the treaty been less vicious) and perhaps, World War II can be avoided. Of course, these assumptions are, for all practical purposes, only assumptions. It would be impossible for us to predict with certainty whether a more benign Treaty of Versailles will truly prevent World War II, but I think it is fair to say that had forgiveness prevailed, a major cause of World War II would have been removed. As an aside, it is ironic to note that the French's inability to forgive the Germans, had to a very large extent, resulted in their annexation by the Germans in 1940.

Moving on to more recent history, the ongoing Israel-Palestine conflict is yet another violent conflict which could have been resolved into a peaceful one had there been more forgiveness on both parties. It is important to note here that the Israel-Palestine conflict is a messy one with many issues to consider, and that plain forgiveness isn't going to resolve all its issues. However, I believe that had forgiveness prevailed, continued violence could have been prevented. Before I go any further however, some background information is required. At the core of the Israel-Palestine conflict, is the creation of the state of Israel in what was essentially an Arab land before 1947. Of course, it hadn't always belonged to the Arabs. In fact, it did used to be under Jewish rule, but that had been thousands of years ago, and the land had since changed its rulers many times. However, for the last hundreds of years, the land had been under Arab rule with Jews there being a minority. The root of the problem can perhaps, be traced, surprisingly, to Russia. Anti-semitism was rife in Russia during the 19th century where a large majority of Jews resided. They were forced to live in certain areas, and a law was passed for the conscription of young Jewish children. I write 'children', because young children, as young as 8, were forced into military service then; and it was 'more or less a death sentence'. Things worsen for the Jews in 1881 after Tsar Alexander II was assassinated. A wave of anti-Semitism swept Russia, and Russian peasants went on a rampage that left the Jews reeling in shock. In an effort to keep this post short (yes, I know that it is already rather long), I would not go into further details. However, it should be noted that the Jews endured terrible conditions while in Russia, and it was that event which sparked talks of creating a safe haven for Jews. That idea was soon to be called Zionism, and the idea of a safe haven soon became an idea of an independent Jewish state. Meanwhile, Jews were leaving Russia for Palestine simply to get out of the terrible conditions that they were living in. Not all who left Russia headed for Palestine though, there were other destinations too. Back then, the main focus was simply to get out of Russia. The thought of a Jewish state back in the land of their forefathers had yet to take shape. However, the plight of the Jews in Russia gave impetus to that idea (anti-semitism was not confined only to Russia. In fact, it appeared to be widespread. However, it was in Russia that the Jews endured the worst treatment), and before long, a sympathetic journalist, Theodor Herzl, started to help champion the idea of Zionism. The issue of the Israel-Palestine conflict is considerably more complicated than what has been written so far, due to, in no small part, Britain's meddling at the end of the first World War. Great Britain, which had not given up its colonial ambitions at the end of the first World War, made many hokum agreements with the Arabs during the first World War in an attempt to establish 'spheres of influences' there after the Ottoman Turks were overthrown at the end of the war. On paper however, the Arabs were to help the allies by rebelling against the Ottoman Empire which was a member of the Central Powers, and in return, the British were to help the Arabs gain independence at the end of the war. Also, in an attempt to allay the fears of the French, they made contradicting agreements between their two nations as to which part of Middle East they would take control over after the war. To make things even more complicated, the British, in an effort to win the support of influential Russian and American Jews, made further agreements with the Zionist movement as well. It was beneficial for the British to do so, as they needed the Russian Jews to help keep Russia, which was wavering and about to pull out of the war at that time, in the war and the American Jews, to convince the United States to join the war on the Allies side. The Zionist Federation was subsequently given the support of the British government to establish a 'national home for the Jewish people' (Balfour Declaration) in Palestine. The result of all these agreements was a complication which up till this day, has yet to be resolved. At the end of the first World War, the League of Nation was born out of American President Woodrow Wilson's fourteen points. Under the covenant of the League of Nation, the Middle Eastern territories that were soon capable of independence were to be given a choice of their mandatory power which was supposed to guide them to independence. A commission was sent to understand the wishes of the Palestine people. However, the commission which indicated the preference of the Palestine people to have the Americans as the mandatory power never made it to the Paris Peace Conference where it was decided that Britain should take on the responsibility of the mandatory power. Britain, which did not then believed in President Woodrow Wilson's belief to give independence to those territories, wanted to maintain a continued presence. As a result, it continued playing its games of appeasement between the Arabs and the Jews, in what would be a massive juggling act. The juggling soon proved to be too difficult however, and violence eventually broke out in the form of rioting in which Arabs, Jews, and British forces were killed. Some of the worst attacks were perpetrated by the Arabs who often killed unarmed and old Jews then. Sadly, that was the start of a score which has yet to be settled. After the Holocaust in World War II, it became more apparent than ever to the Jews that if they were to live freely and safely in this world, they needed to have a state of their own. The Allied nations, after having liberating the many concentration camps in Germany, were sympathetic to say the least. Proposals of setting up a Jewish state in their historical homeland of Palestine (note that Palestine is the name of that region where Israel is now back then) started going around. After much diplomatic lobbying, the UN General Assembly (the League of Nation having being dismantled), in 1947, finally decided to partition Palestine (in the sense of the region), to form a Jewish state. Once again, do note that I have greatly summarised a lot of events that took place so far in an attempt to decrease the length of this post. However, this is the general gist of what happened.

What happened next was civil war in the region of Palestine. The Arabs were understandably outraged and the Jews, having had enough of centuries of ill treatment, fought for their survival and right to exist. This time, there were no international forces to prevent the bloodshed and both Jewish and Arabic blood flowed freely. Brutality reigned. After 6 months of chaos, the Jewish forces established control within their UN designated territory, and on 14th May 1948, declared the state of Israel to be independent. Ever since then, the region has been in a perpetual state of unrest, if not violence. As a summary, almost immediately after the declaration of independence, Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Jordan invaded Israel. By the end of the war in 1949, Israel emerged not only victorious, but larger too. Other wars would follow with the Suez Canal crisis in 1956, the Six Day War in 1967, the Attrition war from 1967 to 1970, the Yom Kippur War in 1973, the Israeli invasion of Lebanon in 1982, the first Intifada from 1987 to 1991, the second Intifada from 2000-2003, and the second Israeli invasion of Lebanon in 2006. Altogether, this implies an average of a war every 6 years. The human cost has been terribly high, but had everyone been more forgiving right from the start, continued violence could have been prevented.

While forgiveness alone would not have prevented the initial conflict which was sparked off by the injustice that the Arabs felt and the Israeli's desire for a safe haven, it would have bought the region time to defuse tensions, and hopefully, a better chance at a permanent peace. It would be foolishly optimistic to hope that forgiveness can solve all the problems, but it would stop the hatred and continual spate of violence so characteristic of the conflict. What perhaps are most sorely needed in this conflict are grace, compassion and magnanimity. It cannot be doubted that both sides are almost equally guilty of the bloodshed, with some being caused by overzealous Zionist ambitions, and others, by Arab leaders with ulterior motives of their own. The grievances of both peoples are many, and the list can go on forever. But if peace is to reign, one side must have the courage to desire it enough to go to extreme means. By extreme means, I do not mean the taking of extremely violent actions. I mean extremely peaceful, docile action. One side, must have the magnanimity to first forgive the wrongs they have suffered at the hands of the other, and then the compassion to understand the wrongs that the other side have endured. And in understanding the very real difficulties that both sides have, make a compromise. The very nature of the word 'compromise' means that one has to willingly make concessions, even at the expense of oneself. It is never easy to make concessions at the expense of oneself, but that is why more than just forgiveness, compassion is required. Compassion is that which will allow one to give at the expense of oneself. Also, in connection with the need to forgive, I believe that if we were to stop trying to administer our version of justice, peace would have a far easier time trying to reign over violence. As I have stated in my comment in Nat's blog above, I do not think that God has ever intended for us to judge. And history often shows, that whenever we attempt to implement our version of justice, massive bloodshed is often next to follow. The two examples in which I have listed above are proof enough. In the case of the World Wars, France's attempt to implement its justice on Germany after the first World War, to a very large extent, contributed to the start of the second World War. And in the case of the Israel-Palestine conflict, the Arabs' desire to see justice being done resulted in the 1948 and Yom Kippur War. The Israelis' version of justice resulted in two Lebanon invasions, and there were many attempts at justice by commoners in the form of revenge killing during the Intifadas. Of course, there were also conflicts that were not motivated by revenge, but by other motives ranging from greed to survival. The presence of forgiveness and the subsequent lack in judgement in those cases then, would do little to prevent the conflicts. But had forgiveness prevailed and our miserable attempts at justice not gone forward, I think it is fair to say that the world would have seen less violent conflicts than what it has seen thus far.

Space and Time

2007-11-18T19:08:00.000+08:00

Space and time are curious properties. Change either or both of them and our lives can be altered ever so dramatically. Here we are on this tropical island, just north of the equator, where peace reigns and there is relative prosperity. But travel thousands of miles northwest to the country of Iraq or Afghanistan, and there violence rules and poverty is prevalent. Or travel back in time here in Singapore to 1942 and there we would find blood being shed in the defence of this island. Or travel back in time to 6th June 1944 at the Normandy coast, and there we would find the waters of the English Channel dyed red with blood. Is it not amazing how vastly different our lives could have been were any of these 2 properties changed? And yet few of us who live in peace realise that even as I type these words, there are probably people, people just like us, 19 and just out of high school, who are risking their lives trying to make a difference.

Watching Black Hawk Down in camp the other day made me realised just how similar we were to some of the US troops who had fought in that battle. Similar in the sense that they were not much older than we are. Similar in that they too came from an enviroment not very different from ours, having just finished high school in a first world country and serving in the military (although their enlisting was voluntary). And yet, there was such a world of difference. As I watched the battle unfold, I wondered just what I would have done were I in their shoes. I wondered how I would have reacted under the heavy fire, and if I could have continued to lead a platoon of men while people are getting shot all around me. And here's the chilling part. I could have easily been in their shoes. Its just all about being born at the right time and place. Why I wasn't is a question to which I do not have an answer to. All I know is that I could have easily been in their shoes. For that matter, I could have been one of those men fighting on the beaches of Normandy. All it would have took was for me to have been born at such a time whereby all able-bodied men were drafted into the military to fight in a war far away from 'home'. At the other end of the spectrum, I could also have been born into a country torn and ravaged by civil war, a place where hope for a future would seem dim if not non-existent. Why then, am I placed in such a safe and secure place while others are condemned to such a hard life? I do not know, and can only thank God for his grace that He has placed me in a peaceful nation. But why then, some might question, is God so unfair as to place countless many millions in such hardship? Indeed, where is the fairness in this world? Well, I guess the 'fairness' in this world was thrown away the instant evil came into the world. However, I do believe that God is still fair and just, 'for to whom much is given, much will be expected'. Truly, 'all that we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us'.

Yet, it is sad that most of us who have been so richly blessed don't give a second thought to those who are less fortunate, choosing instead to turn a blind eye to their troubles by living in our own secure and safe world. And it is ironic, that most of those who choose to try to make a difference tend to come from less fortunate backgrounds. Somehow, most of those who have been richly blessed have grown to become distrusting and cynical about the world and its governments; and instead of helping to change the world for the better, choose instead to merely occupy themselves with meaningless things. There's something about extraordinary things coming from ordinary people. More often than not, it is those who are thought of as 'ordinary' who does extraordinary things. More often than not, courage is found in the most unlikely of people. Perhaps the following excerpt from What was asked of Us best illustrates the point. 'It's funny who ends up being awarded the medals in wartime. It isn't the guy you expect it is going to be. It doesn't have to be the best leader. It doesn't have to be the guy that everbody thinks is gung ho. It doesn't have to be the guy that everybody would say is the guy who would win the Medal of Honor. You know who it is? It's the kid who basically scored just enough to get into the military. It's the kid who, when I was a drill instructor at boot camp, would stand and stare at the Pacific Ocean and start crying because it was the first time he had ever seen it in his entire life. I would get a kid that I would have to make go into the bathroom and shave, and I would have to do it for him....His hygiene was so poor because he had never been taught. It's the kids that come into the marine corps at eighteen who never had shoes on their feet, and we're putting them on the battlefield out there and saying, Defend the United States of America from enemies foreign and domestic, and these kids do everything and even more than what is ever required of them.' Isn't it strange that those whom the country cares least for are the very people who would sacrifice their life for its defence? War is certainly a terrible thing, and I am in no way advocating that the best way to serve the world is to sign up in the military. But what is important, is that we should start believing that we can make that difference, and let us all stop being cynical and uncaring.

'Gentlemen, we are at war.'

2007-11-08T15:48:00.000+08:00

Maybe it was just me, but I could literally feel the tension in the air as we marched to the briefing room to receive the warning orders. There was just something different on that occasion, simply because we knew that was it. That was the finale; everything that we have trained for boiled down to that. Perhaps it was the curt way we marched, or the crisper than usual commands, or the brisker than usual walk, or even the gloomy weather. There was this aura about us, this silent eagerness to quickly get the job over and done with. Well, it is all over.

On the whole, I think we did ok. Surprisingly, it wasn't quite as bad as we imagined it to be. Relative to our training back home, it was actually pretty decent, thanks mostly to the weather which was fabulous over there at this time of the year (the hot and humid weather of Singapore really drains you like nothing else does). Sleep deprivation was similar to back at home, but by now we were all used to getting 2 hours of sleep per day, so that wasn't really much of an issue (for me at least). I was expecting worst actually, like 0 hours of sleep for a couple of days. Thank goodness we didn't had to do that. And so, we are now all back at home, and I guess I should be thankful that we all made it back safely. Not all who went there came back alive. The new training shed behind our barracks was a testament to that.

Live firing was an awesome display of firepower, and a grim if otherwise silent reminder of the heavy responsibility that lie upon our shoulders as commanders of armoured forces. I couldn't help but reflect upon this as I looked around myself while doing marshalling duties for the vehicles enroute to the range. It was the first glimpse I had of the civillian world since going over there, and in a way, it was refreshing after spending all the time there in a military base with its dull grey buildings. The spot I was doing duty at was somewhat picturesque. It was situated on the slope going up to a plateau, with beatuiful houses lining the side of the street. Below me lay the rest of the city spreading away in the slight mist of the morning from the plateau. It was a cool morning, and there I was at the intersection, in almost full combat gear minus the weapon, (we later stripped down to just plain green fatigues because we would look so alien to be there in combat gear. Goodness knows who made the silly call to go out there with everything) overwatching the intersection and trying to make sure that no accident occurred. Young children were playing outside the houses, and mothers were bringing their kids out to the nearby parks or to schools. The playful voices of the children filled the air as they went about in their own trouble free world, oblivious to our ominous presence. Ominous, because while it is our duty to preserve and protect, ultimately, we are still agents of death and destruction. And we were there to perfect the art of bringing destruction. I could hardly imagine a starker contrast. Yet, without us, that is exactly what would happen. The irony of it all indeed, that it is only by the threat of destruction on both ourselves and others that destruction is held at bay.

Nevertheless, the sight of the children running about carefreely served as a wonderful reminder on the importance of our current jobs. Sure, those weren't our citizens, and in a way, we are not obliged to protect them since we were never sworn to do so. But I cannot imagine us withholding back should any of them be in a life-threatening situation. Freedom is sadly, not free of charge. But it has to be bought, and so bought at a high price. It is easy to forget what one is fighting for in the heat of a battle. To those who have fought in real wars, the agony and torture that remains after must be terrible, for in the heat of battle, all such ideals of preserving and protecting flees from the mind only to be consumed with hatred, vengeance and savagery, more so when one's friends start falling under a hail of bullets. Terrible acts are committed in the heat of the moment, and while the ultimate intention may be to preserve and protect, it certainly wasn't at that moment. The line between the both is so thin that it is so easy to simply slip into a mind which hungers for blood. And in so fighting our enemy, we have became the very enemy which we swore to defend against. Perhaps that is one of the hardest thing to accomplish in warfare, especially in this new war of terror. To not become who we are defending against, that of the mindless, blood hungry creatures. For it we become like them, then we would have lost the war wholly to them.

Well, before I end off, I would once again like to give my thanks and respect to those who have traded their peace of mind by serving in the various theatres of war in the hope of bringing peace and security to the rest of the world. In many ways, they have paid the ultimate price, for the peace of mind is priceless. Yet, they have so paid it, in the belief that they will make a positive difference. That much deserves our sincere thanks and gratitude.

Here are some pics which we took over there. Due to security reasons however, a large number of them would be inapproriate to publish.

A breathtaking view of our training area with a city extending out below us into the plains.

The land falling away to a coastal plain with the sea on its left.

Sunset

Sunset with vehicles in the background

Oh, just an interesting sidenote, I'm now going off to try out a new spaghetti recipe that I retrieved while picking up rubbish (we were doing area cleaning) at the vehicle park over at the base there. Lol.

To live happily ever after

2007-10-13T16:20:00.000+08:00

The end is now near; so near that you can smell it. Time really does flies. Just a year ago, at this time, we were all busily preparing for 'A's. And now, everyone is scattered across the world. I was just speaking to Leon yesterday, and we both came to a consensus that if there was one thing that we regretted not doing back in AC, it was to get to know some people better. It's amazing how people can seemingly come and go. Sometimes, it is temporary. Other times, it is forever. Yet, we all have only 24 hours. I chose to spent the bulk of my time helping Leon at this time of the year in 2006, and I certainly don't regret doing so. Neither indeed, do I regret the time spent in training or research. But I do regret not getting to know some people better. Still, with only the 24 hours entitled to me in a day, I guess I can't have it all.

I have been wondering of late, whether certain changes in myself have been for the good. Pride and ego can perhaps be helpful in certain situations. After all, more often than not, it is pride and ego that drives a person to want to be the best. Maybe that is why I now do not desire to fight for being best PT or any other 'best' in the army. To me, it doesn't really mean anything because I know with absolute certainty that whatever 'best' I acheive in the army would not quite be my personal best. It is absurb to suggest that the training in the army could possibly allow me to beat my personal best back when I was training 11 times a week, especially when 1 of those 11 trainings is roughly equivalent to 2 if not more times of army's physical training. Simply put, army's training is, quite understandably, not geared towards physical fitness. For this reason, I have never desired to be best PT, something which I think my instructors have trouble understanding and possibly mistake as laziness. Haha. Neither have I ever aimed for a sword during my stay in the course. Why? I don't quite know to be honest, but I suppose it is because I have never really gone the extra mile because I spend whatever free time I have thinking of non-army related stuff. I spend my time thinking about them because they are the things which I am meant to spend my time on. Still, I do what my duty requires of me in the army, but doing just that is certainly not agreeable to some instructors who would, understandably, expect the best from me. Haha. And of course, I suppose we have our differences. My idea of an officer is the one described in the ACS vision: Every ACSian a scholar, an officer and a gentlemen. Sadly, some of my instructors don't quite believe in that, especially the last part of the vision. Oh well. Maybe that's why some of them think I have an attitude problem, and I suppose my lack of fear of them exonerates this perception they have of me. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that my instructors here have more ego and seem to expect us to fear them. Well, the end is now near, and hopefully I can stay out of trouble in this last leg even with the instructors watching me intently for any mistakes I commit. Darn.

I don't quite know why, but these days, being the best of the best doesn't appeal to me anymore. It was a main driving force for me in the past. But somehow, all of that loses meaning now. So what if one is the best of the best? What comes after that? To me, it is but a matter of pride and ego. Sure it gives one a good boost of pride and ego, but other than that, I see no other purpose in the endeavour. Somehow, living itself loses its meaning. It is somewhat too 'easy' to just live for oneself, and increasingly, I feel that there is only meaning in life when one lives for someone else. To live for someone and for the greater good of humanity. I know it all sounds very idealistic and maybe that's my problem. Such idealism, sadly enough, just doesn't fit in the world. And it is rather depressing. Everywhere I look, I see only the same cold, cruel, realistic hard world. God's kingdom. Were it to come right now, then all our problems would be solved. For myself, I just wish that we could, like the characters in fairy tales, live happily ever after with the people we love.

On another note, I have been consumed by a few biblical verses which seem to have more meaning than usual.

'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.' John 1:1-5

Most will take it to mean the Trinity, but if one reads it more literally, it seems to point to the very truth and origin of our universe. I cannot be sure yet, but it certainly has a lot of parallels to modern physics, and I'm trying to study more in order to understand it. Problem is, the physics that I have to digest and understand and still rather beyond me at this time, and I will need time to study it; a luxury which I do not possess at the moment. Haiz, that is why I say that for these 2 years, my life isn't quite my life. Regardless, I shall try my best to learn more about this matter despite my schedule. Hopefully, I will have more time after the 6th of November when all will indeed be over. Almost over anyway. Till then, God bless.

'See and you will believe, know and you will achieve '

2007-08-19T18:38:00.000+08:00

Thus reads the title of a post by a senior of mine whom I do not personally know (he's in Zhi En's year I believe). Feng Ze directed me to his blog and I thought that it was a great post. I daresay that all of us who were under Sir ( a.k.a Mr. See Teck Hock, the only teacher whom we all universally address 'Sir' outside of class out of pure respect) in ACS(I) canoeing would agree that he is a coach unlike many. Personally, I deem it a privillege to have trained under him because as I've said before in my earlier posts, it is his training that has made me to be who I am today.

He taught us how to fight. He taught us what determination and discipline was all about. He taught us to succeed despite with a spirit of humility.

There's so much more that I wish to write, but time is once more closing in on me. I'm leaving for an outfield exercise that will be our first in armour and supposedly the worst. Plus, the weather these days has been rather wet. Oh well, I can only pray that the weather will be kind to us while we're out there.

In the words of my senior, 'Mr See truly believed in first cultivating character to enable a person to succeed in sports and eventually become a winner later in life. The reason why I am here today is because of everything he taught'. Hear, hear. For those interested, here's the address : http://merke.blogspot.com/2007/07/see-and-you-will-believe.html

Of Music, 'Emptiness' and Blogging

2007-08-12T17:32:00.000+08:00

I cannot help but be amazed at the power of music. Yes, I know that I've touched on this before, but the power it has is so profound that I think it bears mentioning again. There is something queer about classical music. There is a form of wholesome-ness about it which modern music seems to lack. It seems to nourish the very essence of our souls at times when we are in need of it; there is a healing property hidden within its' notes.

I was pondering about the causes of 'emptiness' after talking to Khairul; and I felt the familiar hollow feeling begin to spread within me. It was then that I was abruptly reminded of classical music and its 'wholesome-ness'. I do not know why it had suddenly occurred to me then, but it did. Listening to the works of old, I inexplicably felt a joy which I had once known but have recently forgotten after entering the armour officer cadet course (AOCC). The lapse in memory was caused not so much by the course as it was from a period of unintentional abstinence from classical music (though the lack of personal time due to the course probably did contributed to it). In any case, listening to some of my favourite works seemed to bring me a sense of calm and peace. Somehow, beyond any comprehension, it filled the emptiness within me and replaced it with contentment. Perhaps the power which classical music possesses is its ability to transport one into another world. As I was surrounded by its embrace, I was momentarily in another world; a world of peace, laughter and joy. A world in which there are no burdens or troubles. Truly, it reminds me of God's kingdom; and listening to it makes me yearn for His kingdom to come. Ever will I hope to see that day arrive.

God's kingdom. I would imagine it to be a place filled with mirth and music. I would imagine it to be a place where there would be music in the air, where children can run freely and happily. I would imagine it to be a place filled with peace and joy, a place where no trouble or burden can exist. It then occurred to me why I never wanted to sign on as a regular officer in the army. Being in the army reminds one constantly of just how much Man has fallen. It is sad to see how depraved Man has became; depraved because we are spending so much time, money and effort simply to prevent ourselves from killing each other. I guess that's one main reason why I would never want to remain in the army for long. Sure, there are times whereby its impressive how much technology in the army can achieve, but ultimately, that technology is designed to kill a fellow man. No matter how 'cool' the weaponry may be, it is still a weapon; a weapon designed to take life away from a man who most probably doesn't even know you. In retrospect, perhaps this is one of the contributing factors for the gnawing empty feeling that I sometimes experience.

One of the conclusions which I came to after discussing this 'emptiness' briefly with Khairul was that a lack of purpose seemed to be a sure contributing factor to it. It also seems to me that this 'emptiness' is not something unique to myself but is shared by quite a few others. I daresay that there are many factors contributing to it, but chief among them would be a lack of purpose. For my own part, I know all too well why we have to serve, but that all the more highlights the sorry state humanity is in; it is an emphaise that saddens me. I have no doubts that this is a main reason why I feel the hollow-ness within me. It simply feels horrible to know that you are spending precious time learning how to kill, and this wastage is all because of how much Man has fallen.

A second reason, I think, for this 'emptiness' is the 'losing' of friends. This is something which can never be prevented in life as each of us will take paths that will diverge from each other. Yet, being in the army worsens it because of the limited time that we have outside of camp. It is sad to see a relationship waning in strength due to a lack of time from both parties. Perhaps this is something which cannot be helped, but knowing this fact does little to ease the discomfort. I suppose one can cherish the memories of the past times, but doing so too often has the opposite effect of making one wishing more for the past to return. Memories, as I've said before, is a dangerous double-edged sword. Think too much and it can something serve only to increase the 'hollow-ness'.

A third reason for this 'emptiness' would be due to memories I think. Memories of good times with/or people when contrasted against the present, lesser times, can gnaw terribily at one's heart strings. This is perhaps one of the worst feelings, especially when you know that there is nothing you can do to remedy the situation. A bout of feeling absolutely powerless only serves to deepen the hollow pit.

Well, time is once again making a fool of me and I'll soon have to book in. I've been updating rather regularly these days despite a tighter schedule, and strangely enough, I think I know why. Blogging has its distinct advantages these days when everyone is leading their own lives. It is difficult to even sustain a prolonged conversation these days, much less recount all that is on one's heart. Blogging however, allows one to express freely on any topic at any time. I doubt anyone should read this anytime soon, but I must admit that I now see blogging as a rather convienient tool to help organise one's thoughts.

(29+17)/2 = 23

2007-08-08T23:12:00.000+08:00

Well, thanks to national day tomorrow, I managed to book out today! Haha, I'll still have to book in tomorrow night, but it sure beats not being able to book out I suppose. In any case, I've made a rather astounding mathematical discovery while in camp. It came about without even me thinking about it. Strange as it might sound, it simply popped out in my mind before I went to bed on Monday night and I was amazed by it. Simple but elagant.

(29+17)/2 = 23

God really does has His sense of humour sometimes. Yes, I know, it seems that I've lost my marbles and whatever intellect which I used to possess; yet, I assure you that I've not. Haha. I know well that the results do not mean anything, but I can't help but marvel at His sense of humour. Ok, enough said lest any of you guys think that I've truly lost it.

On another note, I passed by Toh Tuck Rd while coming back from camp just now and it reminded me of the times Leon and I ran through that area. Haha. It really did bring back wonderful memories of those pre-A Level days. Looking back, although things did not turn out as well as I would like for them to have turned out, I'm glad that we did those crazy stuffs while still studying for the As. My only regret was that we didn't start earlier. Going to those places far away from school and at many times, the more 'exotic' areas of Singapore was simply amazing. There are, after all, not many who have gone under a huge drain crawling with lizards of unbelievable size, through a cemetry at night, or simply through tracks (not running tracks). And these are but a few of the places which we have gone. I miss those days and I'm glad I stuck to my commitments. Although as I said, things didn't go quite as I hoped for, I'll continue to trust in the Lord that all will work out well.

Sometimes (which can be quite frequent actually), I wonder how life would be had I continued rowing. Haha. There are always times when I would wonder just how much more could I have gone had I stayed. My experiences, for one, would have been entirely different. I would also have had a lot of fun with the team in the second year. But what's done is done. Maybe I'll row again after NS is over. I don't know. Oh, and I stumbled upon this old photo below. I thought it was quite funny that it should show me with a HJC blade in a oversized boat (for me). Lol. Opps. And no, I didn't steal their blade or commit 'treason', haha, its probably just a testament to how nice Joseph is to sometimes lend the team HCI's equipment when we do not have enough. Haha. And to Marcus and Yu Hang if you ever read this, honestly, were I not from AC, I would have gladly gone over to help HJC win the title that year. Haha. Miss those days too, even though training was hellish then. Boris and his thick Russian accent was ever entertaining. But enough of these thoughts. Memories. They can be consuming sometimes, but they are what one would tend to indulge in when one is stoning during mindless things like field pack inspections.

Contradictions?

2007-08-05T18:42:00.000+08:00

This past week has been relatively easy going (which is why I have the time now to write this) because we were fortunate enough to enjoy a long weekend out of camp. However, I spent quite some of that time resting in bed after coming down with a cold. Argh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to booking out on national day next week, haha, but I'll have guard duty on the 11th. =S

Life as it is for me these days is somewhat of a contradiction. On one hand, being in armour is more interesting and meaningful as compared to being in any of the other formations simply because I do believe that armour, as the modern day knight, will be the formation which will make the difference should, God forbid, we ever march to arms. We have the best the army has to offer in terms of firepower, mobility and protection, meaning we get to use more of the higher tech stuff. Besides, as armour officer cadets, we get to see things at a much higher level than the rest of our peers. That much is reason enough for me to be content I guess; and compared to J1, I suppose there really isn't much that I can complain about. In terms of physical training or indeed hectic schedules, life now is relatively good. Yet, there is something which I'm still uneasy about these days. I can't really pinpoint what, but I suppose the lack of freedom continues to bug me. Haha. Even though J1 was horribly hectic and exhausting, at least I did everything willingly; and I suppose that makes all the difference in the world. I guess I just loathe the idea of not being able to plan my schedules myself, to control and do with my life as I please. For too long have I enjoyed such freedom that now, I can't seem to do without it.

Nevertheless, I feel there is something more than just that which has been bugging me; and it is this which I really am completely clueless about. I know that the Lord has been exceedingly gracious to me, having blessed me with so many things; and I know that I should be grateful and thankful, which I am. Yet, I don't know why but there are some days in which I feel strange, as if something was missing. I can't really describe it, but perhaps the closest feeling to describe it would be a feeling of emptiness. I have no idea why I am feeling this, but I must admit that there are times when it can get rather consuming and terrible. Maybe its a lack of purpose in life (something which I've never experienced before) in the army. Maybe its something else or more. I just am not too sure. Besides, there are still many things which are beyond my comprehension. And trying to use my limited intellect to arrive at an answer often ends up with more questions or utter failure. There are many times in which I wished that I was back in the past, even though in many ways, life now is easier than it was in the past. But the gnawing feeling within me these days is enough to make me wish that I was back in the past. Normally, this would have made for a good conversational topic with Li Kai, but that is no longer possible. And thinking of that, makes me feel even worse. Time flies. It has been almost a year. I was just looking through some of our past conversations, and it was amazing how much we shared and discussed. I truly wished that he was still here, and gay as it might sound, I sorely miss him as a close friend. I miss those days of open sharing, between him, bo and myself. Those were the days when everything truly seemed well. But it was not meant to last. Memories. They can sometimes be dangerous double-edged swords. Looking through all of that left me feeling worse off than before, indeed, they made me feel completely horrid, yet, verily do I treasure them for they are the last few remaining memories of so close a friend.

Contradictions. Sometimes life is so full of them, that I get bewildered by them. And it is strange how thinking of Li Kai reminds me of yet another person who is where he ought to be now. I can only pray that all will be fine. Strange as it might sound, I feel that everything seems to be inter-connected, and looking at everything all at once gets too overwhelming. I can't make any sense out of it, but I pray that I would one day understand it all.

'Trust the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and He will make your paths straight.' Proverbs 3:5-6

Thus is it written upon the walls of the hallowed hall in ACS(I), and that, must indeed be my hope. For when I'm weak, then I'm strong. I fear that I cannot with my own intellect hope to comprehend these things, and I can only pray that the Lord will enlighten me to these things one day. Time is short, and I'll be booking in soon. Before I end off, I just want to say that I'm immensely proud of Zi Qiang, Lucas and Weng Ngai. All of you juniors who have fought so hard. Especially to Zi Qiang. My dear friend.. haha, you have done what I've failed to do. I can't say how proud I am to have juniors like all of you who have done so exceedingly well, clocking timings which I myself have never been able to acheive. You have fought hard to get into the world juniors, and while our standards have yet to match those of the world's best, it is a start. In many ways, I'm no longer your equals for all of you have surpassed me and I congratulate all of you for it. Keep fighting hard. I know its difficult, but I'm amazed and even touched by your determination, willpower and tenacity to overcome all odds. Truly, all of you have done AC and, I daresay, sir, proud. Haha, you guys make me wish that I had never left the arena. You guys make me wish for one more shot at it. If only.... If only.... Yet I guess it is but wistful thinking. My path goes a seperate way, but ever will I miss those days when we fought side by side to capture the title. Keep going guys.

Psalm 23

2007-07-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He Makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Amen.

Thank You

2007-02-04T17:24:00.000+08:00

There is little time for me now to spread my wings before I'm forced to fold them back. Freedom is priceless. Honestly. Still, besides that, life in the military isn't all that bad. It is at least loads better than what our forefathers had gone through and for that I'm thankful. There is much which I wish to say but there is little time now for me to write or pen them down. Perhaps I will now carry a notebook and pen with me around army, so that as and when time allows for it, I shall pen down all that I wish to say and publish it once I get back home. For now however, this short reflection which I wrote for my official reflection of the first two weeks of BMT will have to suffice.

--------------------

One way in which BMT has changed me was that it gave me a whole new different perspective of a walk of life which has always been so highly publicized by the media – that of military life. The military has always been glorified by the media as defenders of the nation and defenders of freedom. War is something which no historian commenting on modern history can afford to avoid. The great wars of our time have spun out countless movies and documentaries, many of which lauded the heroism of the men in uniform while lamenting the terrible consequences of war.

I have felt in the past that the military was somewhat over glorified; that the media in its attempt to produce movies which will be popular and tasteful with the masses has added too much polish to the military life. The impression I had of the military before undergoing BMT was that the military consisted of people who had a tendency for violence, of people who wanted an excuse to let out their inner demons in war and that all such things about defending, glory and honor was but a scam to cover up the atrocious acts in which they have committed. Besides, armies have a notorious reputation of being corrupted by people who are drug and sex addicts. It would be grossly inaccurate to say that such people do not exist in the present day militaries of our nation and that of others; yet going through BMT has allowed me access to a new perceptive that for some in the military, the movies are just doing them justice for the sacrifices which they have made.

BMT made me realized that being a military personnel meant giving up on many freedoms and rights which a citizen possessed. One literally gives up those rights so that others may enjoy it when one signs up with the military. All that talk about defending freedom is hardly nonsense. It is true. There will always be black sheep in any organization, much less the army. It may be true that the army does include people who shame it, yet BMT has now made me more aware than ever, of the sacrifices which hundred of thousands of military personnel make each year around the world. In the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, "Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them." It is sad but true that as civilians who have long enjoyed freedom, we have forgotten that men have died so that we may have it. It is easy to forget in times of peace that sacrifices are still being made continuously, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week so that we may stay safe. Being a military personnel means giving up a large portion of your rights to a freedom of expression. It necessarily means subjecting yourself to a rigid chain of command without which the military cannot function effectively as a fighting force. It means that you will be separated from your loved ones for periods of time and being unable to spend time with them. Having lived alone, I know what it means to be separated from my loved ones, yet, being separated from your loved ones while being a civilian is worlds apart from being separated in the line of duty. It may be the endless routine of military life, or that you can only call at certain times, or that you are stuck in that base due to orders against your wishes; but being separated in the line of duty is certainly worse off than being separated while being a civilian.

That is the basic sacrifice of every soldier in this world. For those who are based in places faraway from home, for those on duty during festive seasons, the sacrifice increases. Every year, hundreds and thousands of personnel sacrifice precious time away from their loved ones; silently patrolling and doing their duty so that other families could enjoy the festive season. They put up with the lack of freedom and the routine droning of military life so that others may not have it. For those who are ordered into war, the stakes increases to the ultimate price of their very lives. There are soldiers out there patrolling in war torn areas everyday, thousands of miles away from their loved ones; and not knowing if they’ll ever see their loved ones again. It is against their wishes, yet they have allowed themselves to be subjected to this chain of command and to surrender their own rights so that others may have it. These are the men which the media has been trying to do justice to, for they are truly defenders of freedom. The military doesn’t really consist of bloodthirsty people; they, more than anyone else, hope for peace.

"The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war."- General Douglas MacArthur

"The military don't start wars. Politicians start wars." - Gen. William Westmoreland

--------------------

To those men and women who have died so that we may have freedom in a free world today, please accept a sincere thanks from me. Thanks for all that sacrifice which many of us never really fully appreciated. Thank you.

Entering 2007

2007-01-01T23:36:00.000+08:00

2007! Well, if there are things to be remembered about 2007, one of them has to be the way in which we entered it this time round. In the words of Derwin, we entered 2007 racing towards the fireworks. Haha. At around this time last night, we were frantically racing towards Esplanade with all speed from Changi on bikes, (with Ryan's continuous words of encouragement as quoted from Toshko (is that how you spell his name?).. haha), hoping to make it there in time for the fireworks. It was fun while it lasted.. haha. It's a pity that Bo and Sam couldn't join us though, it was rare that we had such fun BBQing, riding with 3 bikes to East Coast and returning with 6, riding to Changi to see the planes land almost directly above us (Zi Qiang tried keeping up with them on his racer only to be completely outclassed.. lol), and then racing back to Esplanade to enjoy the fireworks. The fireworks were awesome; well worth the effort we put in trying to get there in time. We were kind of separated during the last stages of the journey though, and trying to link up again after the fireworks was a real chore. (Incidentally, that reminded me of the last time I was at the Esplanade with Kee Wui and Clarissa where we witnessed the fireworks for National Day. Haha, only that back then , prelims and As weighed more heavily on our minds.. how time flies). Nevertheless, we managed to find each other again and then proceed to Bedok jetty to fish for the entire night. Personally, I found fishing distasteful since I think it causes quite a bit of pain on the part of the fish, but oh well, just went along with them since Ryan seemed really keen on fishing after watching Lakehouse. Fishing was a failure though.. haha, total failure. Not only did we not manage to catch any fish, but all the bait was eaten up too. Lol. Oh well, at least we did a kind deed by giving free food to the fish.

In the words of Derwin once again, it was the fishing that ****** us up. Haha. Dude was really funny but blunt and succinctly accurate. Fishing throughout the night simply killed us in the morning. When morning came, we were reduced to a couple of walking (or rather cycling) zombies. Besides, the early morning was cold with its chilly winds. We finally decided to head back to Macs for breakfast and to wait till 8 before returning the bikes which we have rented. The weariness was terrible. Haha, everyone was quite wasted. When we finally got back to Qiang's house, everyone was only too glad to shower and sleep. All in all, the entry into 2007 was a memorable one, albeit one that would be associated with exhaustion and soreness. Nevertheless, let us also remember during this festive season those that are suffering and those who grief. Indeed, the festive season can only worsen the hurt that they are going through. I can only imagine the pain, and God forbid that I will ever have to go through it. I wish I could do more, but I cannot. May the peace of God be upon those who are griefing, and I pray in Christ Jesus's name that they would be healed and made whole again.

Who are we living for?

2006-12-30T22:39:00.000+08:00

It is interesting to ask the question: 'Who am I living for?'. A few years ago, I would have answered, 'myself'. Nevertheless, that answer isn't complete. It may be true that we're responsible for our own lives, but our lives do not quite wholly belong to us. Our lives belong not so much to ourselves as it does to those who are close to us. They belong to our parents, siblings and close friends because it is those who are left behind that feel the pain. Indeed, it would be a shame for us to live recklessly or to throw ours lives away rashly. I have no doubt in my mind that most of us are aware of that, whether consciously or sub-consciously. Yet, there are times when that awareness gets so sub-conscious that we simply live by the edge, believing ourselves to be invulnerable. Perhaps it is a good reminder for myself. Much as I will enjoy diving, mountain climbing, and hiking, it is always worth remembering that life is fragile. The simple fact is that we are not invulnerable; and that vulnerability doesn't hurt us - it hurts those who love us. We would all do well not to live carelessly.

Even the mightiest man will fall by a single arrow. It doesn't matter how great we are; we are still just humans, made of flesh and blood. A single bullet, a single arrow, a virus infection, a car accident... anything. It can be that fast and deadly, even to the fittest, even to those who are wise, even to the best of the best. Much as we who are alive and well take it for granted, life is fragile. It could here one day and gone the next. We might never know what hit us. For those who love us, it is the least we could do by living carefully.

The Hols so far.... and Merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

Much has happened since the morning broke on the 6th of December, 2006. I left for Thailand for a couple of days in the evening. The island we visited was smaller than Singapore, but ironically, has quite a couple of peaks which are more than 600m above sea level and hence can, as I remember vaguely from the geography lessons in Sec 1 and 2, be classified as mountains. Poor Singapore however, has only Bukit Timah Hill to be content with. Oh well.

The night sky there was quite pretty; lots of stars in the clear atmosphere with lesser light pollution to that which I am accustomed to here in Singapore. Staring out into the dark sky that is littered by countless stars have always been one of my favourite pastimes. It just fills me with such amazement everytime I look up into the night sky. Since we were on an island/beach resort, the view is even more breathtaking since we were staring up into the dark sky on a beach, with the waves gently lapping along the shores and the salty tang of the sea brushing against our faces with the cool breeze. The sea was pitch black, save for a small strip which was illuminated by a shaft of moonlight from the heavens above. It was truly a beautiful sight. Looking out into the vastness of the sea and then into the heavens above just overwhelms me as it has always done. Humanity has came a long way, but for all that we know and are capable of, we are still so insignficant in this vast universe. Just a tiny speck of blue in the vastness of space and time. Insignificant yet significant. Insignificant because compared to the great forces of this world, it sometimes seem that we are powerless against its inexorable tides. Yet, it is significant because caught in all this vastness and chaos, everything fell in place in our neighbourhood that we may come about. Indeed, it is the insignificance of ourselves that ironically adds significance to our existence here in this universe. Haha, sounds very contradicting and paradoxical, but I daresay that I do have a valid point here. To those who know me, I think you'll know where I'll lead to from here; but I shall not carry on further. Haha, this point has been touched rather too often here I think.

The night was beautiful; beautiful in a different way from that of the morning but beautiful nonetheless. Yet, even as I stared out into the dark sea, I wondered at how terrible the sea and the darkness could be. Imagine being shipwrecked and floating on the sea at night in utter darkness with the seas raging all about you. It would have been a most disturbing experience to be caught in the wrath of nature in the middle of a dark night. The fear would have been stifling. Speaking of being caught in the wrath of nature, haha, I had a little experience of being caught in the middle of a pouring storm recently. Leon and myself were running from school towards Mount Faber when the heavens simply opened its flood gates. I felt more like swimming after just a few minutes, being completely soaked from head to toe. Even the dense foilage above us was of no shelter and 'waterfalls' soon began rushing past us everywhere. There wasn't much point in running through that freezing rain, so we decided to take a break and have some hot drinks before carrying on. It seems as though the rain was poking fun at us throughout the entire night though; it would lighten as we rested in the comfort of dry shelters and get heavier as we got out to carry on with the journey. It was a cold, freezing run, with winds which just take the warmth away from you. It was quite an experience, sipping some drinks while hiding out from the torrential rain in the comfort of the shelter over at vivo, although I couldn't quite say that of my fall thanks to the slippery ground. Haha, still, it was fun while it lasted I guess.

One of the fun things about running is that it gets you somewhere. Haha. It's quite 'duh', but honestly, running gets you to places which can be scenic or it might just be fun to run to someone's place just to give them a surprise visit. Haha. I ran to Sam's house just a couple of days ago, simply because I couldn't think of anywhere else to run from my place. I didn't quite like the idea of running in the wild with nothing to see but wild grass and factories, so going up north wasn't much of an option. Going east and west was just, well, mundane with nothing interesting. South however, could be slightly better since I remember that over at Sam's place was an uphill terrain. Thus it was that I arrived at his place, only to see his dad out at the garage. Haha, thinking it would be polite, I called out and ended up playing basketball with Sam. Haha, random but fun. Randomness always seems to add in some fun factor.

It so happened that the junior team went to stay over at Qiang's house just the next day, so haha, saw Sam for two straight consecutive days. It was rather fun; took Qiang's dog, Roger, out for a walk as usual. Haha. I think he can really recognise me now. =D. Silly dog was bounding up to me when we first let him out, think he was really bored. Anyway, we walked rather far; all the way to indoor stadium. The weather was perfect for bringing out Roger for a walk, at least before it started raining. We stopped halfway at Macs to get some food for the rest of the guys, and then headed back, reaching Qiang's house at about 2 in the morning. haha. I'm looking foward to 31st now, when we're going to stay over a second time, and this time we'll bring Roger all the way to the esplanade to watch the fireworks. Time seems to be running short for me now, with diving and driving ongoing and NS on 11th January.

Well, its Christmas tomorrow! A year has just gone by. Amazing how time flies. It wasn't too long ago that I was still preparing for J2 and was busy with research at the end of last year. In some ways, J2 was easier than J1 for me, simply because back in J1 I was still with the team. Leaving the team has and will always be a monumental decision to me. It was a milestone of some sorts, and it changed the course of my J2 life. From a student-athelte to a student-researcher? Haha. It didn't seem too long ago when we were fighting it out for World Juniors, it didn't seem too long ago when I was going to NIE everyday, and neither did it seem to long ago when I first accepted Christ. Nevertheless, they are distant in a sense. Distant and in another world as it were. Too much has happened with too many complex emotions for me to accurately write them down. Well, at this time of the year on Christmas's Eve, I guess I should just thank God for everything that has happened over the past 2 years. Some were unpleasant experiences, others were pleasant; but I believe that in Christ, I will one day by able to see how all those unpleasant experiences can be used by Him to create something good. Incidentally, I think that optimism is a characteristic which all children of God should have. I used to try to be optimistic simply because being optimistic keeps you sane and going during difficult and rough times. But I now have a better reason to be optimistic. I'm optimistic now because I know that everything, in Christ, will be fine. Its strange though; my older self would have viewed my present self as well... irrational? weird? Nah, probably just irrational. And I guess my older self could hardly be considered wrong. After all, I don't have solid, material evidence to prove that my present self is right; and I'm convinced that we won't be able to ever get it. At the bottom of it all, is quite simply, faith. Faith which by itself is blind or the word loses its meaning. In a sense, I was fortunate and thankful that God was gracious enough to touch my life so directly, that my faith didn't need to be completely blind since I know for a fact that He exists. Nevertheless, blessed are those who have not seen but yet believe. Indeed, blessed are they for it takes a huge amount of faith to believe in something which is completely unseen. Still, it is not that God does not work among us but that we too often dismiss His works as either that of coincidence or that of Man. Discerning eyes and ears are perhaps one of the most valuable assets anyone could hope to possess. Thank you, Father, for all that You've done. Thank you for sending down Your Son on what we now call Christmas, for us who were then unworthy of You.

Merry Christmas to everyone out there!

Team Hoyt

2006-12-17T22:01:00.000+08:00

For this post to make any sense, I'm afraid you'll have to first go to Xue Yi's blog and read up on Team Hoyt there, and then watch the video.

I just have to blog about this; that's how deep an impact Team Hoyt had on me. It truly is a most touching story of how an unconditional love and determination has literally and figuratively scaled mountains and crossed seas. Thank God for such people, who being filled with such overwhelming and unconditional love, provides a relief from the cold, hard world of modern society. Praise God for such men who are striking examples that love can overcome the cruel world. May God bless them richly.

I can only aspire to be such a person, to be able to love and sacrifice so unconditionally, to be so determined to sacrifice for someone without any conditions but just out of pure love. That's the essence of being human, its the whole essence of humanity. The warmth of humanity - unconditional love, which Dick in Team Hoyt has exemplified so well. Words are failing me even as I attempt to carry on blogging, there's just no words in which I can find to adequately describe what I'm feeling. The video is honestly touching to the extreme, and I'm not ashamed to say that tears did formed and rolled. It's simply amazing. More so when you consider how difficult it is for Dick, especially to drag a boat while swimming; it would require no less than a supernatural effort. Not for money, not for fame, but just because his son liked sports. Just out of plain, simple love. Truly, such a feat belittles all that I have accomplished. Training twice a day, coping with research, term examinations at the end of the holidays and living by myself seems like such a small thing in comparision to all that Dick has done. I can only imagine the obstacles. Training after work, not to do just marathons or triathlons, but to do them while pushing/dragging along someone else. I can only imagine the full magnitude of such a task. My most heartfelt and sincere respect and admiration to Team Hoyt. Salutes. Thank and Praise God for them and their family, who serve so well as a modern reminder of the power of love and how love can indeed overcome the world. I can only imagine how difficult it was for the family to cope with Rick's condition; but despite it all, they did it. Amazing. Just amazing.

No one likes obstacles or difficulties, but it is only through them that such warmth and love can be most evidently seen. It is through difficult times that God's love can be most readily seen and felt. Not that it isn't there when we're going through good times, but more often than not, we mislead ourselves into thinking that the good times are a result of our hard work, forgetting that every good and perfect gift comes from our Father in heaven. It is ironic how the devil tries to upset us by throwing obstacles at us, for it is in our times of weaknesses that God's power is made perfect. It is in difficult times when others and ourselves can most easily see the power and love of God; it is in such times when testaments of the love of God cannot be denied even by those who do not yet believe. Truly, it is as what Paul has written, that 'Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong'. Sounds paradoxical at first glance, but completely true indeed. Praise and Thank God for his unfailing and unconditional love.

Morning has Broken

2006-12-06T16:50:00.000+08:00

Morning has broken, like the first morning.
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird.
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning;
Praise for the springing fresh from the world.

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven.
Like the first dew fall, on the first grass.
Praise for the sweetness, of the wet garden;
Sprung in completeness, where his feet pass.

Mine in the sunlight, mine is the morning.
Born of the one light, Eden saw play.
Praise with elation, praise every morning;
God's recreation of a new day.

It is a pity that the sun did not fully reveal herself in all her glory and majesty, choosing to hide shyly behind a veil of clouds of which we would have welcomed more gladly in former days. Alas, alas, that she should decide not to shower us in her full warmth and radiance after a cold night.

Nevertheless, Praise and Thank God for the coming of a new morning and of a new day. Praise and Thank God for friendship and brotherhood. Praise and Thank God for all the wonderful works in which He has done.

Farewell now Kallang; it may be long before I shall see you once again or see the sun rise over your waters. The fond and dear memories there shall never be forgotten, for it was there where I became to large extent who I am today. It was where battles were fought, where sweat flowed freely and where blood was shed together. The bonds forged there shall never be forgotten.

And thus it ends.

2006-11-28T22:32:00.000+08:00

And thus it ends.

Whither hath ye gone? Whither hath ye gone?
Why hath ye forgotten?
Or perhaps we're are to be blamed.
Did ye know the consequences?
Alas, alas, the perception of invulnerability.
What exactly happened?
I know not; and I doubt I shalt ever know.
Whither are ye now? Whither are ye now?
I know not; yet it will ever be my hope that when all comes to an end for me, we shall meet again in the presence of the Lord.
Nevertheless, while all physical things must come to an end, it is not so for a friendship;
for it being a relationship of love, ends not even when all others have.
I wish I could have done more then, but I can't for the time has passed.
I wish I could do more now, but I'm powerless.
Yet though my hands be tied, those of my Father in heaven are not,
and in Him I place my hope and prayers that those who have been left behind are not overly stricken with grief, but that they'll be healed and made whole again.
Ever were you a friend to me, and ever will you be one to me.
Requiescas in pace, amice mee. Requiescas in pace, amice mee.

And thus it ends.

Much has happened, since that rainy windswept day in 2001.
Blood has been shed, sweat has flowed.
It has been an amazing journey of victories and triumphs, of defeats and sorrows.
I am in much debt to my coach Mr. See and to my seniors who have taught me the ropes and made me to a very large extent, who I am today;
and even more so to my Father in heaven who has so faithfully been by my side even when I knew Him not.
To those who have ever been at my side, it is my good fortune. To those who have fought hard beside me, it has been an honour. To those about me, it has been a pleasure. Indeed, I owe much to many, not least to my heavenly Father, of which I can only hope to repay with sincere thanksgiving.
It all started on a pouring day, followed by a first pause of blue skies and sunshine, then a second pause on a day dark and threatening. When it all ends once again, then shall the sun fill the blue sky with its radiance and warmth.

Nevertheless, though an end it may be, it is but an end of the beginning. A long journey lies ahead; yet one knows not whether tomorrow brings an end of the beginning, or the end of all things.

And thus it ends.

Random Thoughts

2006-09-09T13:28:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. talk about pressure man. haha. Very well, I'm updating at long last after a really long break; due in some part to an increased workload and also because I didn't quite know what to post. In any case, an inspiration struck me this morning and hence this post. =)

Randomness. Haha. Sometimes, it is these random thoughts and feelings that makes life so colourful and worth living. Perhaps it is one of those things which defines us as humans. Strange and paradoxical as it may sound, humans may just be the most irrational and rational creatures around. Rational because we are unparalleled in the realms of science and mathematics; yet irrational because our emotions can sometimes drive us to do great deeds beyond what we would and could normally do. Our emotions sometime overides the rational concept which all other species adhere to - that of survival. Besides emotions, 'randomness' and spontaneity is perhaps also something else unique to us humans. All other species make decisions with only one golden rule in mind - that of the need to survive and outdo other members of their species so as to be evolutionary favourable. We humans, however, are at liberty to choose. We could of course, consider all decisions with the primary objective being to reach our goal at all costs, or we could just sometimes decide to have fun and go with the flow.

If you consider the desire to enjoy life and have fun as a reason, than I suppose it is true that every decision we make has an agenda or reason behind it. I suppose one could then attribute 'randomness' or spontaneity to the desire to sometimes go along with the flow of life, to soak in and enjoy it. It is important of course, to not lose sight of your goal, but I feel that life isn't all about achieving goals. In a sense, I suppose its a little like driving around sightseeing in a foreign country during a vacation. One can choose to get to a destination in the quickest possible way by means of a direct and wide expressway through a bustling city, or alternatively, you can choose to drive a longer route through the countryside. Assuming you don't give up, you will get to your destination at the end regardless of the route you take. It is probably true that you'll get there first if you had gone by the expressway, but had you gone by that way, you would have defeated the purpose of the vacation which was to see the new things and the beautiful scenery which you don't see back at home. The countryside route may take a little longer, but the things you see more than make up for it. Besides, as a friend of mine noted, if your car does break down, people on the expressway would probably be too pre-occupied with rushing to their destination to help you whereas had you gone by the countryside route, you're more likely to get help despite the fact that there are normally more cars on the expressway as compared to that of the countryside route.

Spontaneity and 'randomness' adds spice to our life; it adds colour and flavour to it. Personally, I feel life is about experiencing all the various experience and emotions a human being is capable of experiencing. The happy times, the sad times, the victories and triumphs, the defeats, love, pain... you name it. Quite honestly, a life without tribulations would be, ironically, a sad one. It is sad in the sense that you wouldn't have known what it was like to have lived as a human being. It is the difficult times which allow us to embrace and appreciate life fully. Those are the things which you look back at when you drink beneath a full moon on a clear cloudless and quiet night. I guess that's when you realise how precious those moments are as you reflect upon them while being bathed in the pale moonlight under the innumberable stars. That said, I wish not for more suffering, no one does; but I'm merely pointing out that ironically, it is these sufferings that makes life worth living. Of course, suffering isn't the only thing that makes life worth living... it is also the happy times that makes it worth living. The happy times which includes the fun and crazy things which you do at random, the feeling of being loved and the ability to love, the victories and triumphs, and of course relationships with God and other fellow human beings. It is these myriad of emotions which makes life so worth living and colourful.

It is curious how we are randomly happier and more optimistic on some days, but more sad and pessimistic on another. Random perhaps, but let us embrace it.

Season of 2006?!!

2006-07-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

The season of 2006 is drawing to a close with NCC not far off and the school nationals just completed. Everything's fine with just one problem - I'm not in it. I feel strangely... empty. Empty, as all about me, my friends finish off their season. Some in high spirits, others in not so high spirits; but all relieved at the end of it all. Odd though it may sound, I'm rather envious of them at having completed yet another season. Maybe envious is the wrong word, but there are now times when I feel doubtful of my decision to leave after last year. I'm envious not because of their individual achievements; but I'm envious of them at having fought yet another season in a team. At having fight and train along side their teammates.

Training hard along side people creates an incredibly strong bond; and I guess I miss being in a tightly knitted team. I miss being amidst my teammates; fighting towards a common goal; looking out for each other in the knowledge that we would gladly trust each other with our own lives. I miss that close personal touch.

I daresay I'm one who hardly regrets my decisions; yet it is hard not to question myself if I had truly chosen the right path for myself this time round. There are times when I'm doubtful at my decision to leave after last year's season. Add to that the... guilt that I feel everytime I pass by macritchie. I know it sounds weird, but I do feel guilty when I go pass macritchie these days. Guilty because I'm not training together with my teammates when I should have been. These doubts and guilts do make me wonder at times if I had chosen rightly.

In such doubtful times, a closer examination of the factors involved at the decision making then is a good way to cast those doubts away. It serves to remind you of why you chose what you did. In this particular case, I left because I realised I couldn't possibly study for physics olympiad at the end of the year and carry on training with the team. There was simply not enough time to do them both and still cope with my research then. It was a cross-road, and I knew I had to make a choice to give either one up and concentrate on the other. In the end, I decided to go where I knew I would want to go in the future - physics. On hindsight, it seems like a stupid and foolish choice. I mean.. I didn't get any medals for spho or made it to the ipho/apho team. Heck, that I even made it to the ipho training team was probably a fluke of luck too. From a very pragmatic point of view then, my decision was a real bad screw up. Had I stayed on in canoeing, I would still probably be able to get a couple of medals (even though I doubt the colours would be anywhere near gold with the likes of my teammates around.. haha), but now, all I have is.... nothing. Granted, our research did pretty well; we managed to publish some parts of it with another university and we got gold at SSEF, but still, I think we would have gotten it had I carried on training. I should have been rather bitter actually. Haha. As to why I wasn't even sore about it, I'll explain it some other time. I'm sure, however, that those of you who read all my other previous post will have an inkling of what the main reason may be.

In any case, one of the reasons why I didn't feel bitter was because of how much I've learnt through all the physics olympiad trainings. You learn things which just aren't found in books. You're stretched to your limits mentally (I was really mentally exhausted after the 1st day from 0900hrs to 1700hrs.. real killer man). They teach you to see things in a different light and you realise that there are a lot of ways to solve a problem. Of course, it was a heck of an eye-opener too to see the.... ingenious people from the other junior colleges. All in all, I've certainly learnt and gained much. The big question is then.... was it worth it? Was the gain in knowledge worth sacrificing a season for? That's a difficult question to be honest; but here's my answer. For the medals in that season, yes; for the friendships that could have been forged or made stronger, no. No matter how much knowledge you gain, it would all be worthless at the very end because what is most priceless is neither knowledge, money or anything else... but the relationships that are forged among people and God. That's what makes us human. The ability to reach out to others; to laugh and cry together. To trust in those about us and to bring humanity further. The human spirit as it were.

So was it all worth it? I suppose I'm glad that I've learnt all that I've learnt; yet I sorely regret not being able to fight along side my teammates for the last time. I regret not being there with them. I miss the feeling of being in a close family. Well.... you gain some, you lose some I suppose. It'll be great if we could win them all; but our time is fixed at 24 hours a day.... and we can't change that. Time goes on incessantly as it always does.

To God be the Glory

2006-07-05T05:46:00.000+08:00

Firstly, in response to Bo's tag, I haven't been slacking.. haha, just been a tad too busy to update regularly now that school has started. Last weekend was fully occupied and the rest of the time was spent trying to finish up the darn long maths 's' tutorial. Well, just completed it and finished watching the Germany vs Italy semi-final match.. 2-0 to Italy in extra time. Hmm.. I daresay the Italians was the better team on the whole; but the referee was kinda screwed up. 2 penalties to the Germans in the first 90 mins which he didn't see so.... Results could have been entirely different.

Anyway, spent my last weekend racing with scf in the june fest dragonboat race. Wonderful race.. haven't felt a dragonboat flew that fast before. The speed was just simply unmatched. It was even faster than the last time I rowed with scf in a dragonboat.. but that was during macritchie regatta last year and I was rowing in a mixed scf boat so.... can't compare. I really enjoyed the race even though I had a couple of abrasions; but just being there, fighting along side all my teammates once again was an incredible feeling. Haha, you could just feel the confidence in the boat.. and that's a great thing to feel. We knew NJC Alumni was pretty good, but in Wei Li's words, 'they are good, but I think we're better'. Haha. In all fairness to NJC Alumni though, I guess they did try to put up a pretty good fight. Well, we got double golds for the mixed and men's 20 crew but sadly, couldn't finish it off with a cleansweep since the girls lost narrowly to get a silver =S.

Winning is always a great feeling.. I mean, who doesn't like to win right? I used to think in the past that when I won, it was ALL because I was better. As such, I guess there was always pride; pride over my achievements. Pride because I felt I won simply because I'm better and I'm faster. In a broader context outside of sports, there was always pride when I achieved a goal of mine. I wouldn't say I was arrogant or even one who had a lot of ego, but I certainly took silent pride in my achievements. I felt that the victory was purely due to my hard work; that the victory was deserved by me who was better than my opponents then.

I remember that in one GP lesson on philosophy, our teacher pointed out that there are many different types of philosophy. One of which is religious philosophy. I also remember her pointing out that there are people who asked the question of what does religion have to do with philosophy. They argue that the 2 are completely different matters and should not be confused together. Well, if you ask me, the 2 are inseperable, with philosophy being a subset of religion (of which being a subset of another depends largely on whether you believe in God though). The reason is simply because when you truly believe in God, your whole perspective of the world changes. You see the world in a wholly different light, a wholly different angle. It is thus impossible to seperate philosophy, the study of nature and meaning of the universe and of human life (as defined in the dictionary), from religion when you believe in God and He is in the centre of it all. Similarly, I started to see things in a radically different light after I believed in Him.

For one, I realised that it was foolish of me to have taken so much pride in all of my achievements. It is no doubt true that I've worked hard at them and that I probably did deserve them; but the fact that I did deserve them does not automatically warrant that I'm entitled to have them. It was by God's grace that the victory was achieved. If you don't work at anything, it is obvious that nothing will ever come out of anything. However, the converse is not always true; just because you work hard at something does not automatically means that you'll get something out of it. It is as I have said before; we have control over many things, but we have no control over more things (or something to that extent anyway, can't remember the exact wording). Try as we might, prepare to the fullest extent as it is possible; yet there are always things which are beyond us. Things which could cause us to fail despite all our efforts. The victory might be nigh at hand and well-deserved, but it would all amount to nothing if it were not for God's grace. Since it was by God's grace that the victory was achieved, then it would be silly to take pride in it, for we didn't quite 'earned' it. It is true that we did worked at it, but the results were only so because God allowed it to be so. Hence, the pride and honour should then logically be ascribed to God and not to ourseleves. Conversely, when we fail despite all our efforts, understand that it was God's will that it was so, though we may not see what good that failure could ever come to. Have faith in God that the failure would one day amount to something which we will treasure. Care should however, be taken to not 'push the blame' onto God for all our failures and to thus wallow in a quagmire of self-pity. A careful examination is required as to whether did we or did we not use all of the resources at our disposal to acheive our goal. It's difficult to know when exactly you've reached your limit, but as I've said before, you'll know when you truly have nothing left to give. The limit of which I speak of is defined largely by the unique circumstances in which you were placed in during that time. Our limits are constrained by the circumstances in which we're placed under, and during different periods of times in which we are placed under different set of circumstances, these limits would obviously change. Obviously, our limits are also affected by how much stronger (in a holistic sense) we have became. Many are the things within our power, but more are the things which are out of our control. Instead of seeking to control everything, something which is impossible to attain (consider this; no matter how powerful man becomes, he'll never be able to control his own fate of being born a human or the family to which he is born), perhaps we should just trust in God to manage those which are beyond us.

I felt a surge of pride when we won NJC alumni, a surge fuelled by the fact that we won by a rather large margin and that our crew contained quite a couple of 'reservists' people like myself who were no longer actively training. In all fairness to them though, they had to fight against people in the national squad so.... haha, we're even I guess (hmm, ok.. maybe not. We had a lot more actives than reservists so...). In any case, I was reminded on that day after that surge that it was not by my own prowess that the victory was achieved. It was certainly by the strength of all my other teammates; but most importantly, it was by God's grace that we had such a victory. Truly, to God be the Glory, for it was by His will that we were allowed to win, though we may have deserved it.

To God be the Glory great things he hath done,
So loved He the world that He gave us His son,
Who yielded his life and atonement to sin,
and opened the life gate that all may go in.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the Earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.
O, Come, to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give Him the glory great things He hath done.

O perfect redemption the purchase of blood,
through every believer the promise of God.
The vilest offender who truly believes,
that moment from Jesus a pardon receive.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the Earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.
O, Come, to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give Him the glory great things He hath done.

Great things, He hath taught us, Great things He hath done,
And great our rejoicing through Jesus the Son,
But purer, and higher and greater will be,
our wonder our transport when Jesus we see.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the Earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.
O, Come, to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give Him the glory great things He hath done.

Thus goes the familiar hymn of praise which is sung at every ACS(I) official function. To God be the Glory indeed.

Inspired by... an eraser

2006-06-21T23:16:00.000+08:00

Time flows incessantly; a sure and steady current flowing ever into the direction of the future. The past cannot be once more; they are but memories to us. Markings fade, metal corrodes, structures fall into ruins; so must all physical objects degenerate with the passing of time. Souvenirs are but physical and will one day be gone. Perhaps, the best preserved items are our memories and the feelings associated with them.

These are the things which can be preserved for as long as a life time if we desired them to. A powerful impact leaves deep imprints on us all, imprints which are preserved despite the effects of weathering. When all that is physical that were once associated with the event is long gone, our memory of it still remains intact. Fond memories that bring a knowing smile regardless of the outcomes of those events. A smile reliving the happy times of old, or a bitter-sweet smile at the sad occasions. Bitter because the outcome was undesirable, but sweet because it was something dear to you.

I wish I could re-visit the past with the knowledge of the present.. haha.. who doesn't? Not so much because I want to change the outcomes of certain events, undo or do certain things; but rather because I would want to go about life in the past seeing things as I do now. To live in the time of the past, but to cherish it in a whole new way. It would be an entirely different experience. Alas, that time and life is as such. There are no 'stop, rewind, and re-play' buttons. That's why I always believe in making major decisions with my heart. To live without regrets; even if it means that the choice would, logically, be foolish and a hopeless endeavour. Hope is that little peep of light that drives us to do these irrational things. Things which we cannot hope to, rationally, be successful in. Nevertheless, we do them because we hope against all odds that tiny though the chance may be, we would still achieve it at the very end. It is that hope that causes us to attempt at something which we know with near certainity would close with a painful fall; but we trudge on anyway. I prefer it this way. If all goes well, great... if it does not, at least I can look back later and not be filled with the horrible itch to want to 'stop, rewind and re-play'. The fall may be excruciating, but I rather that than a life filled with regrets.

Speaking of memories and of the past, I cannot help but not mention the AC(I) Canoeing team.. haha. The place where I learn the many things which helped made me who I am today. I'm overwhelmed everytime I think about how far we have all came. You can practically see how far each and every individual of the team have grown and changed. From Sec 1 till now.. the various stages in which we all went through. Its amazing just how much we have all grown and changed.. and now, we are all in different walks of life.. in different schools, different enviroments... but the one thing that would never change, the one thing which still unites and bind us all is the fact that we were all once teammates under Sir. That somehow hit me really hard when I went back to ACS(I) in march this year. It was for the last time I would be back there for an official reason and as I walked around the campus, the memories just flooded back in. I could remember the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach as I wondered ahead about training and what we were going to do. The smell of the rubbery track and the hated 400m circuits. The basketball courts and the here-and-there circuits. The space in front of the P.E office where we used to did weights when we were in Sec 1... I particularly remember one training session in Sec 1 where Sir made us did 1 min weights. It was when the seniors were having their mid-years and it was a pure Sec 1 training. The programme was a killer and I remember being really thankful for the stormy but cool weather. Haha... back then, we were all doing naked bars or the heaviest being 2.5 kg weights. Still, I remembered it being insanely heavy.. haha. The smell of the gym which still somehow causes my stomach to churn a little at the thought of training in there. It all came back and I saw how far we as individuals all came... and its strange, but it was all rather emotional. As I thought over it at night before I slept, it moved me to tears... but they were tears of joy as I saw how much we have all grown. They were sweet, but yet bitter in a sense for I know that the team of 2004 can never be again save in our cherished memories. Time rolls forward as it always does, but history will always be history. Let us treasure it.

To all my national team mates, I haven't forgotten you guys.. haha. It was indeed an honour to have trained with you guys, to have fought along side you guys. Training with you guys always demanded the best of my abilities. The memories I have there are just as intense as those back at AC(I). It was a very different experience, but one that was memorable nonetheless. The fond memories of both morning and evening trainings are ever etched deeply in my mind... the smell of the grass in the morning, the sight of those old folks doing tai-chi, the setting of the sun in the evening, the red sky as the sun disappears below the tree-line, and the subsequent darkness. The experience of rowing in the dark under the countless stars, tired and exhausted after a killer programme. The deep Russian accent of Boris, the way he speaks. The board-walk in which our runs normally end off... the time when we were singing as we ran through the jungle.. haha.. and that Boris said it was good.. lol. Even the toilet... where we all had to share one hose and wash the toilet regularly.... and fix the locks.. haha. How we were wondering who came in to stole our shampoo and soap that we left in the toilet. The unavoidable rivalry that existed between us all when we tried to out-perform each other... but the friendship that still remained at the end of it all. The comical effects to which the PA systems were used. There's simply too much to type out... the good memories.. the bad memories... but they are all dear to me. Memories that will be preserved till my very last breath.

The writings may disappear, the medals rusty and the training gear worn out; but the feelings, emotions and memories will never.

Emotions... and Trust

2006-06-16T23:18:00.000+08:00

Recent events have reminded me of how powerful our emotions can be... how inexplicable and inexorable they are. One of the things which distinguish us, the dominant species on this planet, from all others. One of the things which makes us human. A sharp, double-edge sword it is.

I remember believing that emotions were what made us weak. I felt back then in sec 1 that emotions were irrational, something which defies our rational thoughts. I felt that only the weak were emotional. The emotional aspect clouded their judgement and made them less objective than they should have been. Emotions, I felt, affected their ability to execute their duties logically, and to perfection. It is curious that I now see emotions in such a radically different and positive light 6 years on. How the change came about is one which I myself am not too sure about. There wasn't any... underlying causes so to speak, nor any 'trigger events' that made me saw otherwise. It was an extremely gradual process, and one to which I have not much recollection of. Perhaps part of it may have something to do with my rather sensitive and emotional sister. In any case, I no longer see emotions as a weakness of humanity, but rather its greatest strength.

Life is a curious thing by its own right. What does it mean to have lived? What does it mean to have lived as a person; as a human being? To me, to live is to have experienced life in all its different lights. To know the ups and the downs, to have felt the joys and the triumphs, to have wallowed in a quagmire of sorrow, to have felt all the other various, intense emotions. It's not so much the individual achievements as the path it took to get there. The path that was fraught with difficulty, with occasional triumphs, with jabs of sorrows and pain. It is the path that imprints itself most in our memories, not so much that of the individual achievement itself. There are good memories, there are bad memories, but they are all fond memories. These memories capture the emotions we were experiencing back then.. the hurt, the victorious feeling... everything. And these are what we see and cherish when we look back. When we are finally on our death beds, these are the things which we would relish. We would relish the memories of the good times.. and the bad times. The times when we were jubilant and the times when we were in depression.

No one likes getting hurt or being sorrowful, yet it is one of the things which makes us human. The ability to get hurt. I suppose one can then disown the human race and attempt to not be human... but what is the point and purpose? At the end of it all, when we are finally nearing the end of our lives, what is there then to look back at? Simply all our materialistic achievements? Would we then be satisfied with our lives? At having known what life as a human felt like? Or would we feel the emptiness of the vast halls in which all our achievements hang meaninglessly? Ideally, we all wish we would never be sad nor hurt... so why doesn't God protects us from all this? My answer is because if God did so, then He would be depriving us of what it was to have lived. It's the downs that make us treasure the ups in life. I'm not saying that we should all become masochistic, but my point is that we should not be afraid of getting hurt. We should not shun all our emotions simply because of not wanting to be hurt. Shunning them would be to lose what it is to be human. Shunning them is to deny ouselves life. Neither should we wrap ourselves up in an armoured cocoon to prevent ourselves from getting hurt for we isolate ourselves when we do so.. and no man is an island.

Historically, protectionism policies have always failed in the long run. So too have states which have isolated themselves. They have failed because of the principle that no man is an island. Humanity have came thus far not because of our individual brilliance, but because of our ability to form relationships and work together. Our ancestors in the pre-historic times surivived because they relied on each another.. on team work and on their brains. Physically, we were no match for the powerful predators that hunted us on the plains of Africa; but together as a team, we evaded them and became predators instead of preys. We were made for each other in that sense. The ability to work together, to form complex relationships is one of the things which distinguishes us. I'm not advocating that we should all suffer from sloth and become dependent on others, but I'm pointing out that no matter how independent a person is; he is still ultimately dependent upon others. This leads us to the question of trust. Trust has a lot to do with emotions... in the sense that we are distrustful because we are afraid of being hurt.

We do not completely trust and confide in another person because we are afraid that someone who has that much knowledge of us would be capable of hurting us in an unimaginable way. That is why we sometimes prefer to work alone - because we know that we certainly can depend on ourselves. We distrust others and equip ourselves in armour so that we would not be hurt. Yet, if we were to do that, it would only serve to hinder us. It would serve to hinder us, because we were made for each another. We were made to work together, to live together. Western medieval knights fight poorly in the desert or under prolong combat because carrying all that armour is tiring. It is tiring to remain distrustful of others and to continually depend on yourself. Shedding the armour would make us more vulnerable to attacks, but it also makes it less tiring. And when we are no longer afraid of being hurt, then neither will we be of the attacks. In that case, what use has the armour but to tire us? Of course, to not be afraid of being hurt may seem insane... but I think I've mentioned it before in my previous post under pain or failure... can't really remember which one. It's not so much of being not afraid of pain or hurt, but rather knowing that we would eventually be healed and whole again. It may be painful, but with God's grace and His healing, we would be fully healed eventually. It may take a long time perhaps, but we will be fine at the end of it all. It is hope, the belief that there will be a rainbow after the storm that sustains us.

It is less tiring to just trust in others, to believe that they will never hurt you. It is unfortunate that there will be those who do, but let us accept the hurt and move on in the knowledge that God would always be there to heal us. Being suspicious and continously wary of others is too draining. It may protect us, but like the heavy armour, it would soon wear us out. Spinning an impregnable web about ourselves and shunning out all emotions serves only to isolate us and deprive ourselves of what it means to be human. Life is precious... live it to the fullest and without regrets. Live it as a human, not a well-lubricated machine.

Music

2006-06-12T23:28:00.000+08:00

If I could have a choice as to where my strengths lie, one area in which I would certainly choose in is that of music. I have said it before, but I will say it again - music is truly an amazing thing. Is it not amazing how a sad, melancholy tune is never mistaken by anyone as a carefree, happy one? Or how a song which laments a failed relationship is never mistaken to be a song which tells of a blossoming one? We seem to instinctively know the difference... all without any form of formal or informal education in music. We just know. 7 whole tones... just 7, and it can so adequately describe our emotions. The english language requires 26 alphabets and years of education. Granted, the english language is capable of describing more than just our emotions, but for all its brilliance, it is unable to as accurately as music, describe the single most difficult thing - our feelings. Perhaps it is because, music like our emotions, is something more vague; whereas the english language is much too precise to describe them.

It never fails to amaze me how just 7 tones, in different permutations and rhythm, can create so diverse a language. The same notes, in the same order, but with a different rhythm could have an entirely different feel. Of course, music today has many different genre; but I shall lump all of them into 2 major groups. The older, classical music and the newer contemporary music. Each has its own beauty, and are nice in different ways. The music of our time is something which is more... immediately gratifying in a sense. They are easier to accept but there is something missing from it. I can't quite point out exactly what, but classical music is.... more nourishing to the soul so to speak. Perhaps it's because I first came to like classical music in difficult times that I feel this way about it. It came to me as something to hold on to as the flood threatened, and maybe thats why I view it thus. It teleports you into a world, a world different from which you are physically in, a world where you can find solace, joy or even healing. There's just something about it which can absorb and assimilate you temporarily into the composer's world. Of course, not all classical pieces are written to express emotions or feelings... some are written to showcase the virtuoso's skills.. which is entertaining, but might not be very nice to listen to. The best pieces are those which are emotional and showcases the virtuoso's skills.. haha.. you get the best of both worlds then.

Personally, if I had the talent, I wouldn't mind dedicating my life to music... to just perform around the world in an orchestra. Practice might be difficult, but it's certainly worth the effort when you can be immersed in the music during the performance. I've been a student-athlete for all my secondary school and J1 life, and hence, it is with all fairness that I say that sports is different from music in that it is more selfish. Selfish in the sense that when you go out and compete in an event, its all about you. It's all about trying to win that gold. Music is different in that when you go out to perform, you want to do your best not because of any medal, but because you want to convey your love, your passion for music, to the audience. The audience and the performer forms a kind of positive feedback system. The audience appreciates a well-executed piece and applaudes the performer(s) readily, which then spurs the performer to do even better for the next item. The cycle generates a wonderful atmostphere... one that certainly makes a good concert worthwhile, and one that makes everyone present to not want that night to end. A good concert simply takes your breath away, making you wish that the magical night will never go away.

Music is a classic example of something which we both know but yet not know. We know how music is generated.. the physics behind it is well-developed. There is no uncertainity as to how it is generated by our musical instruments, but we are completely at a loss as to why it has such a powerful effect on us. It somehow relates to our feelings instinctively and that is no doubt why it remains so mysterious and unexplained.... because we still can't quite explain nor describe adequately our feelings with words. It simply has to be experienced.

Patriotism?

2006-06-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

Arriving back at Singapore yesterday, I could not help but admire the quality and efficiency of our airport in comparision to that of most other countries. Not that I like to compare, but the constrast is stark upon touching down. There's just something about Changi which makes it stand out. The atmosphere (I'll bet they had quite a couple of interior designers designing the place), the amount of shops, and the slick, hassle-free way you can just walk out of the airport without waiting for a long time to clear the immigration. I suppose you can say that there was a swell of national pride in me then, but prior to that, I had a rather different feeling when I first touched down on Singapore soil. It's more of a sense of relief at finally being home.

Its difficult to explain, but while the world outside is certainly more attractive than Singapore in a way, there is just that sense of relief when you're finally back. The weather here's terribly warm and humid, not to mention boring (I think I'll certainly enjoy a temperature climate more than a tropical one. It'll probably be troublesome, but I think its more interesting to have different moods in different seasons of the year (= .) ; there's a ton of work to do when you're back, but somehow you feel relieved in a sense. Perhaps I was just relieved at being back in a place in which I'm familiar with, a place in which I grew up in, a place in which I knew where to find what. This feeling along with the upsurge of national pride later made me quenstioned once more about patriotism.

Patriotism... loyalty towards one state.. What is it exactly that makes us loyal to the state? Why are we loyal to.... certain people, certain organisations? I guess its because we feel.. in debt to that particular organisation or person,and we feel its just right for us to repay it. Our loyalty is but the least we could do after what the person or organisation has done for us. That is what I feel towards AC, and I suppose that's why we always want AC to be the best - because we're loyal to it and we always want to see its flag fly high. I suppose the same applies to nations. Yet, there is a big difference between the two. People have killed in the name of patriotism, but I don't suppose anyone has ever done so for an institution/school.

The big question then is... why the difference? Certainly not because the nation has done more than an institution/school in making you the person you are... but perhaps because when people fight to defend a nation, they do so to defend their homes? Their material possessions, their values and their beliefs. Of course, the glaring difference is that no school has a military arm or weapons or anything close to that. Patriotism... something often touted as a value desired for.. but is it truly beneficial for the human race? Is it not because of patriotism that countries are divided? Is it not because of patriotism that wars are fought? National pride, territorial claims, fights over resources to name a few. All in the name of the state. In the words of Bertrand Russell, ' Patriotism is the willingness to kill, or be killed for trivial reasons'. Personally, I've always thought that patriotism is what divides us as a human race. Consider the amount of energies we've wasted in attempting to outwit each another when these could have been put into something more constructive, something which can further the human race. (I suppose it can be argued that competition advances the human race, but not when you spend so much time trying to devise new and better ways of killing each other). Sounds idealistic perhaps, but yes; I suppose I am to a certain extent, someone who believes in these ideals. Ideals to further the human race as a whole, to reach for the stars and beyond. It's human nature to not trust what we do not know.. and I guess that's one of the problems with the idea of countries. Mistrust exists between us all, and it divdes humanity. There is nothing wrong with being loyal to one country, but to be willing to kill for it is. At least in my opinion anyway. Being loyal means standing up to help and defend it in times of crisis, but defending does not equate to killing. Being loyal means working to keep the flag flying high, but you do so not by making other flags fly lower. We all want the organisation to which we are loyal to do better than the rest, but the competition should never become hostile. The other side is not necessarily worse off than us, just different. The absolute belief that one's country is better off than another is but one reason why wars have started. Absolute truths, indeed, may just be the bane of humanity. There's a lot to go on about this, but I shall not go further for the time being.

Patriotism is good only as long as we do not go to extreme ends to further the country's needs. By extreme ends, I refer to anything, be it economically, politically or militarily, which will affect another country in a negative manner. To do so is to simply commit crimes against humanity. There is.. nothing wrong with patriotism in its most basic essence, but many have commited crimes against humanity in its name. Patriotism creates rivalry among countries and so threatens to divide humanity... but if at the end of the day, we can look beyond this narrow definition of loyalty and realise that we all belong to the human race, then there is no harm. Friendly rivalry will serve naught but to bring humanity to greater heights; but it is a fine line to draw. Lose sight of the fact that the rivalry is friendly, and patriotism will divide humanity as it has always done. Lose sight of it, and patriotism would be the bane of humanity.

'If I knew something that would serve my country but would harm mankind, I would never reveal it; for I am a citizen of humanity first and by necessity, and a citizen of France second, and only by accident.' - Montesquieu

Failures

2006-06-04T15:09:00.000+08:00

It is interesting how little things can remind you of other, bigger issues.

I happened to stumble upon one of my older music CD which I compiled back in sec 4 when I was packing my stuff yesterday. Decided to bring it along with me and as I listened to it, fond memories of the year 2004 surfaced. Songs tend to have a different 'feel' to them when you listen to them under different circumstances; and after first listening to them under a certain circumstance, you come to associate that particular song with the circumstances you were in when you first listened to it. The 'songs of 2004' were rather different in nature to those to which I currently listen to; and its interesting to see how our taste of music changes as we ourselves change. Music is truly an amazing thing. It is in a sense, impossible to be adequately described by language, for it transcends it. Much like our emotions. There's just something within it, something which we feel for, and something which no word can represent fully. In any case, the thing that struck me when I was listening to them was quite simply: why was I no longer listening to them? When did they... 'fall out of favour'?

The answer wasn't because they were no longer nice; they still were. In a different sense perhaps, from the music to which I currently listen to most of the time, but still enjoyable. I guess the answer was just simply because I feel different now, and I've pretty much forgotten about them. Yet, it was still nice to listen to them, but its just that when you're too absorbed with the current genre of music you currently listen too, you do not pay attention to the rest. And that is, sometimes, quite true in our lifes too. Often we are too absorbed in what we are trying to achieve that we fail to see the beauty present in many other things. Things, which perhaps, God has intended for us to see, but we have, in our constant insistence on doing our routine, mundane things, have forgotten about.

There are many things which are within our control, but there are more which aren't. There will be times whereby you still fail despite doing everything that could have been done; and there are times whereby we succeed just by simply doing nothing. It is of course difficult to quantify what is meant by 'doing everything that could have been done', but personally, I feel you'll know it when you have done so. When you have squandered no opportunity, when you have squeezed out every second from that 24 hrs, when you feel absoultely drained... You know that you are close to dying when you are drowning.. when you are just struggling to keep your head above the water at all cost. I used to think that saying its God's will when we fail is one heck of an excuse; and I suppose it is, when we have not done our best. That was why I didn't buy it in the past, because I thought and believed there was no limit to my best. I believed a lot in my determination and willpower - I believed I could do anything as long as I had the necessary determination and will to. Again, I would not be so bold as to make a generalisation, but I now know for a fact that my strength is but finite. Others perhaps, may reach greater heights which knows no limit, but I for one, know mine is finite. God's will is longer an excuse when you have done all that could have been done. There are times whereby we are just unable to comprehend what good could ever come out of a failure; why God subject us to what we feel are undeserved pain. It is difficult to see the bright side of life when everywhere seems dark; yet it does exist. I believe it does; much like how we've forgotten about the older songs which we used to listen to everyday. They are still there, but we've just simply became too absorbed in our current genre of music to remember about them. The world is full of beautiful things, but we are perhaps too blinded to see them. A failure sometimes, just give us that reminder that we need; to stop and see. Or it might just simply be God's way of saying that, 'hey, that path isn't the one which you'll truly like'. Truth is, I still don't know why we, despite doing all that we could have done, still fail sometimes. But what I do know, or rather believe, is that something good will come out of it. I may not be able to see all ends, but I have faith that God has good intentions when he makes us fall. Foolishly optimistic perhaps, but hope is ever the strength which sustains us. It is difficult to explain, but when you believe that life is good despite the darkness, it will be good. The darkness may seem never ending, but just believing that there is a light at the very end of it all just lifts your spirits. Its true that the more hopeful we are, the more painful the fall; but when you're able to see through that pain and believe that there is still a light behind that, then there isn't any harm in being optimistic all the time. Its interesting to note how much we treasure the little things in life when we are going through difficult times. The blue sky, the cool breeze upon your face, the chirping of the birds, the warmth of the sun when the day breaks (not in the afternoon, that would be sweltering), the fact tt there is no training on tt day.... anything. Things which might have gone unnoticed simply appear to you in a different light. Problem is, we often forget about them once life gets simpler and better. I guess the trick is to remember and never forget these little things, these little things which still make the world beautiful when all appears dark... and to trust in God that there will be a rainbow after the storm.

Pain

2006-06-01T18:34:00.000+08:00

"If the Pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger." - Sir, Mr. See.

... Oh, "and when you train with me gentlemen, I assure you that I won't kill you".

Haha, not sure if Sir got it from somewhere else, but its amazing how true it is. It is one of the things which have been drilled into us since Sec 1. I remember being humbled by all my seniors when I saw how hard they all trained. I have, until then, never seen the likes of them. They might not have completely enjoyed doing what they did, but when they trained, they trained hard and uncomplainingly. Outside of training, they hardly speak of how hard they trained, but when they're in it, 100% was a given. And that was how I learnt. It was unspoken; they taught us the ropes in silence. That was how I first learnt how to fight. To keep going, fighting the pain, silently and uncomplainingly. To search deeper within yourself when you could find no more, and when there is truly nothing left, to search in those beside you who are going through the same if not worst. And that was about the most important thing we learnt. What it was to fight, to preserve, to give it your all - silently and uncomplainingly. It was to be the basis of many other things to come.

Back in sec 1, pain was pretty much a one dimensional word to me. It was quite simply, physical pain and no more. Of course, physical pain can take many forms as well.. you have the muscular ache, the direct, sharp pain of an open wound ( its an insider thing which only kayakers/canoeists will know), or the blunt pain of certain types of injuries etc, etc. In this context, Sir's phrase will apply only to that of the muscular ache and perhaps the open wound (I'm not sure of this, but I think my pain tolerance towards open wounds has, sadly, increased after all this years... lol). Having a serious injury equates pretty much to being dead since its irreversible, and hence, the phrase doesn't apply to the physical aspect of it. Notice I said it doesn't apply to only one aspect, because if you are able to live with it, you'll come out of it a stronger person. One dimensional though it may be, physical pain alone is by its own right, challenging to grapple with. It might seem strange, but one of the reason why I train hard back then and even now when I'm retired is because I'm afraid of pain. Truth be told, I'm rather afraid of pain, especially physcial pain; but that's also why I train hard. I train hard to conquer my fear of pain as it were, and I suppose to some extent I've been successful for I daresay pain is something rather familiar now. Not that I'm no longer not afraid of it, I still am, but the limit at which I start getting afraid now is much further back as compared to in sec 1. Back then, learning to fight and deal with physical pain was something which pre-occupied me to quite a large extent. I guess I did learn several things through all that wrestling with physical pain - for one, I learnt determination and willpower. With these came self-control, for I was better able to control my emotions and temper. A whole host of other things came from just trying to grapple with physical pain; but it'll take too long to list them all. In any case, dealing with physical pain had several approaches, but it was mainly that of confronting it with willpower and determination. Of course, it also helps to have happy thoughts when you're going through crap. If the pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger.

As time when by, the forms in which pain manifested itself to me multiplied. As we move away from the more common definition of pain, that of physical pain, perhaps I should define pain more clearly. I suppose pain is something intense which is out of your comfort zone.. be it in any aspect. I began to see that pain can be manifested in other ways besides that of physical. The most obvious one was mentally. Training took its toll on the physcial body, but often, it is the mental toll which prove to be fatal. Add to the fact that one has to cope with studies and sports, and you get a not very enviable position. But of course, the 2 are managable, but things starts getting difficult when you start having to live alone as well. Living alone, while it does gives you unlimited freedom, has its downsides too. For one, the freedom is useless when you have no time, and for another, living alone poses its own set of challenges. It was then in sec 4 that I first became aware of pain in that manifestation. Until then, I have never quite felt mentally fatigued before, but for that one week in which I was living alone, I felt it. It was bascially a feeling of being strecthed too thin and of being.... alone. Not to say that I do not enjoy time spent alone by myself in reflection or otherwise, but believe me, you do wish for some company when you get back home at 2200hrs and you still have to do menial chores like washing your training gear and watering plants. In any case, when your mentally tired you just feel like not fighting anymore, to give up, to drop the horrendous, monotonus routine of studying, training, sleeping and chores. Mental pain gnaws at your fighting spirit, something which doesn't feel very good. But in any case, I guess I did grew stronger out of it all. I became a mentally stronger person, someone more able to withstand blows. Or rather, I was confident that I could deal with them because I've dealt with worst. Dealing with such pain is a pretty straightforward one... you simply met it with more tenacity of purpose and mind. So I suppose Sir was still right; if the pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you a stronger person.

As time went by even more, I became aware of the worst manifestation of pain.. or at least it is the worst in my opinion. That of emotional pain (Incidentally, it was a jab of such pain today that made me wrote this rather long post). It tears and pulls your heart in different directions, something which is absolutely awful. Your mind is just simply thrown into a turmoil of emotions from which it is difficult to pull out of, much as a stricken ship in a whirlpool. It is difficult to do anything when your mind is in such a state. Emotions are curious things; they are both our greatest strength and weakness. Quite simply, they are one of the things which makes us human. The ability to feel, to cry, to laugh. Its easy to lose one's head in a whirlpool of emotions; in a flood of heart-wrenching emotions. To shun them though, is to not feel what it truly is to be human. The trick is to be able to pull yourself out of it. It is not so much of being impervious to it, but more of feeling the pain in full force, but knowing that you'll be able to pull yourself up again, to get back on track with life. It is a different type of willpower required from dealing with the other 2 pains in the sense that it is not a straightforward confronatation. To confront it head-on is to shun it, but there is only so much before the dam bursts. Rather, it is more of swimming along with the powerful current in a flood, but knowing that you'll be able to pull yourself up to safety at the first sight of a overhanging tree branch. On another seperate note, one of the best way (I feel) to counter such pain is to pray. Its amazing how God can fill your heart with a sense of peace with the world and oneself. In any case, it is difficult to put these things in words, or perhaps my command of the language is simply failing me. These are but analogies, to understand, one would have no choice but to feel them. If the pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger. Amazing how true that is.

Da Vinci Code

2006-05-31T01:03:00.000+08:00

Its kinda late, but I guess I'll make one last post before hitting the bed. Went for a run earlier this morning, before studying in school and then later watching Da Vinci Code with my friends in the evening. I guess the critics were pretty much right about it, for it can't quite match up to the book. Nevertheless, I suppose in all fairness, that it was still a pretty good movie considering how difficult it is for a movie to do justice to a good book. The thrill just didn't quite seemed to be there, whereas the book truly intrigued one.

In any case, what struck me most in the whole movie was what Robert Langdon said at the end of it.. something which I think was the producer's addition for I do not remember it being written in the book. It went something like, "What matters most is what you believe in". I can't help but agree how true that is (at least in my opinion.. absolute truths are hard to come by if they ever did exist). I used to attempt to justify the existence of God by pointing to that fact that it is impossible, considering the odds, for evolution of life to take place. Either that, or that something must have started the Big Bang. In short, I spent many years trying to rationalise the existence of God. I suppose I always wantedto believe in God, but I was also a rather.... scientific person and I wanted hard, cold scientifc proof that God existed before believing completely in him. Haha.. Well, for those of you hoping that I found a definite prove, I'm sorry to disappoint you for I have not. Years of seeking have turned out nothing, but I now have an answer to it. Or at least a personal answer, but one to which I doubt not would be unsatisfactory to most. How I came to truly believe in God is a rather long personal story, which if told would deprive me of a whole night's sleep.. haha, so I don't think I'll go into details about that, but what I would like to simply point out is that I've reached a conclusion that there would never be a satisfactory way to prove the existence of God.

One would just have to believe in him purely on blind faith. Yes, on blind faith alone; and it is my belief that one day, an experience would allow one to break all barriers to God and to believe him on blind faith alone. There will probably never be a wholly rational way to prove or disprove the existence of God, so quite honestly, whether God exists or not depends on whether you believe in him. Some might of course ask the age-old question of why doesn't God reveal himself fully to us? Why doesn't an omnipotent God reveal himself completely to us? Or to guide us verbally or otherwise in our lifes directly? My answer is quite simply, because God loves us enough to give us a freedom of will and free choice. He gave us the option to choose whether or not to believe him (and hence did not reveal himself fully, for had he done so, we would all have believed in him)... had we not had a freedom of will and free choice, we would all be believers. It is simple to argue from the other side of course by saying that if God doesn't exist, then none of this would have mattered. Once again, it is not possible to reach a definite conclusion either way but I suppose its just food for thought. Ultimately, it is as I have said earlier - we would have to believe him on blind faith alone. We all have our own private, unique barriers to God.. but I believe that one day, we would all be able to breakthrough that barrier and believe fully in him.

Some may find it odd that science and religion could mix, but quite frankly, I believe strongly that the 2 are not at loggerheads. To me, science is the understanding of the universe which God has created. We are but discovering the beauty and mysteries of which God has created; knowledge to enrich ourselves and not undermine God. The only time when the 2 conflict is when pride blinds men of science, and when power blinds the supposedly God-fearing men. Yet, when stripped down to their cores, I see no conflict between the 2. Of course, some may think that God was created as an excuse by scientists who cannot explain the Big Bang among many other unresolved mysteries. It is a reasonable assumption, for it is no doubt true that since time immemorial, humans have attributed what they do not know to the supernatural. My take on that; as I expect those of you who have survived the extreme length of this post to know, is quite simply that such 'excuses' or attempts to justify('create') God are rather superficial for it is my belief that one would never find any such empirical proof. True believers, in my point of view, simply believe on blind faith, for there is no empirical proof of which I know of that points to the existence of God. God wasn't 'created' because we couldn't explain things, we simply believe in him on blind faith. As to why the blind faith; that reason differs from one individual to another.

Haha, well, the night is no longer young; in fact 'its so late that its almost early', and I suppose I'm in need of sleep. Well, well, time makes a fool of us all and I must stop here (yeah, I know some of you must be grateful to see this end at last). There's quite a lot on this topic (one of my favourite) about which I could go on, but once again, I see no reason why I should deprive myself of sleep any further.. another time perhaps. Good night to all; sweet dreams.

Hullo there..

2006-05-31T00:05:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.. Hi there. I'm not even sure why I'm doing this, other than becoz Yan Bo and Jori convinced me to do so... haha. But I suppose there's no harm so.... Anyway, for those of you who are wondering why the rather.. general address and title with reference to ACS(I) Canoeing, it is more or less a tribute to the team and sport from which I've learnt almost all of which I now know. I wouldn't be the person I am today were it not for Sir and ACS(I) Canoeing, and it is also for this reason, that I'm eternally grateful and loyal to AC. So......

Sing ACS Forever More,
Our ACS Forever,
God save our Land and heaven Bless,
Our ACS Forever.

Yeah.. I know that sounds a tad too patriotic but.... I just wanted to pay tribute to the team, Sir and AC before I start posting my personal views and stuff. I guess it is only right to do so, for truly, they are derived from most parts my experience in canoeing and training.