Contradictions?
This past week has been relatively easy going (which is why I have the time now to write this) because we were fortunate enough to enjoy a long weekend out of camp. However, I spent quite some of that time resting in bed after coming down with a cold. Argh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to booking out on national day next week, haha, but I'll have guard duty on the 11th. =S
Life as it is for me these days is somewhat of a contradiction. On one hand, being in armour is more interesting and meaningful as compared to being in any of the other formations simply because I do believe that armour, as the modern day knight, will be the formation which will make the difference should, God forbid, we ever march to arms. We have the best the army has to offer in terms of firepower, mobility and protection, meaning we get to use more of the higher tech stuff. Besides, as armour officer cadets, we get to see things at a much higher level than the rest of our peers. That much is reason enough for me to be content I guess; and compared to J1, I suppose there really isn't much that I can complain about. In terms of physical training or indeed hectic schedules, life now is relatively good. Yet, there is something which I'm still uneasy about these days. I can't really pinpoint what, but I suppose the lack of freedom continues to bug me. Haha. Even though J1 was horribly hectic and exhausting, at least I did everything willingly; and I suppose that makes all the difference in the world. I guess I just loathe the idea of not being able to plan my schedules myself, to control and do with my life as I please. For too long have I enjoyed such freedom that now, I can't seem to do without it.
Nevertheless, I feel there is something more than just that which has been bugging me; and it is this which I really am completely clueless about. I know that the Lord has been exceedingly gracious to me, having blessed me with so many things; and I know that I should be grateful and thankful, which I am. Yet, I don't know why but there are some days in which I feel strange, as if something was missing. I can't really describe it, but perhaps the closest feeling to describe it would be a feeling of emptiness. I have no idea why I am feeling this, but I must admit that there are times when it can get rather consuming and terrible. Maybe its a lack of purpose in life (something which I've never experienced before) in the army. Maybe its something else or more. I just am not too sure. Besides, there are still many things which are beyond my comprehension. And trying to use my limited intellect to arrive at an answer often ends up with more questions or utter failure. There are many times in which I wished that I was back in the past, even though in many ways, life now is easier than it was in the past. But the gnawing feeling within me these days is enough to make me wish that I was back in the past. Normally, this would have made for a good conversational topic with Li Kai, but that is no longer possible. And thinking of that, makes me feel even worse. Time flies. It has been almost a year. I was just looking through some of our past conversations, and it was amazing how much we shared and discussed. I truly wished that he was still here, and gay as it might sound, I sorely miss him as a close friend. I miss those days of open sharing, between him, bo and myself. Those were the days when everything truly seemed well. But it was not meant to last. Memories. They can sometimes be dangerous double-edged swords. Looking through all of that left me feeling worse off than before, indeed, they made me feel completely horrid, yet, verily do I treasure them for they are the last few remaining memories of so close a friend.
Contradictions. Sometimes life is so full of them, that I get bewildered by them. And it is strange how thinking of Li Kai reminds me of yet another person who is where he ought to be now. I can only pray that all will be fine. Strange as it might sound, I feel that everything seems to be inter-connected, and looking at everything all at once gets too overwhelming. I can't make any sense out of it, but I pray that I would one day understand it all.
'Trust the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and He will make your paths straight.' Proverbs 3:5-6
Thus is it written upon the walls of the hallowed hall in ACS(I), and that, must indeed be my hope. For when I'm weak, then I'm strong. I fear that I cannot with my own intellect hope to comprehend these things, and I can only pray that the Lord will enlighten me to these things one day. Time is short, and I'll be booking in soon. Before I end off, I just want to say that I'm immensely proud of Zi Qiang, Lucas and Weng Ngai. All of you juniors who have fought so hard. Especially to Zi Qiang. My dear friend.. haha, you have done what I've failed to do. I can't say how proud I am to have juniors like all of you who have done so exceedingly well, clocking timings which I myself have never been able to acheive. You have fought hard to get into the world juniors, and while our standards have yet to match those of the world's best, it is a start. In many ways, I'm no longer your equals for all of you have surpassed me and I congratulate all of you for it. Keep fighting hard. I know its difficult, but I'm amazed and even touched by your determination, willpower and tenacity to overcome all odds. Truly, all of you have done AC and, I daresay, sir, proud. Haha, you guys make me wish that I had never left the arena. You guys make me wish for one more shot at it. If only.... If only.... Yet I guess it is but wistful thinking. My path goes a seperate way, but ever will I miss those days when we fought side by side to capture the title. Keep going guys.
Life as it is for me these days is somewhat of a contradiction. On one hand, being in armour is more interesting and meaningful as compared to being in any of the other formations simply because I do believe that armour, as the modern day knight, will be the formation which will make the difference should, God forbid, we ever march to arms. We have the best the army has to offer in terms of firepower, mobility and protection, meaning we get to use more of the higher tech stuff. Besides, as armour officer cadets, we get to see things at a much higher level than the rest of our peers. That much is reason enough for me to be content I guess; and compared to J1, I suppose there really isn't much that I can complain about. In terms of physical training or indeed hectic schedules, life now is relatively good. Yet, there is something which I'm still uneasy about these days. I can't really pinpoint what, but I suppose the lack of freedom continues to bug me. Haha. Even though J1 was horribly hectic and exhausting, at least I did everything willingly; and I suppose that makes all the difference in the world. I guess I just loathe the idea of not being able to plan my schedules myself, to control and do with my life as I please. For too long have I enjoyed such freedom that now, I can't seem to do without it.
Nevertheless, I feel there is something more than just that which has been bugging me; and it is this which I really am completely clueless about. I know that the Lord has been exceedingly gracious to me, having blessed me with so many things; and I know that I should be grateful and thankful, which I am. Yet, I don't know why but there are some days in which I feel strange, as if something was missing. I can't really describe it, but perhaps the closest feeling to describe it would be a feeling of emptiness. I have no idea why I am feeling this, but I must admit that there are times when it can get rather consuming and terrible. Maybe its a lack of purpose in life (something which I've never experienced before) in the army. Maybe its something else or more. I just am not too sure. Besides, there are still many things which are beyond my comprehension. And trying to use my limited intellect to arrive at an answer often ends up with more questions or utter failure. There are many times in which I wished that I was back in the past, even though in many ways, life now is easier than it was in the past. But the gnawing feeling within me these days is enough to make me wish that I was back in the past. Normally, this would have made for a good conversational topic with Li Kai, but that is no longer possible. And thinking of that, makes me feel even worse. Time flies. It has been almost a year. I was just looking through some of our past conversations, and it was amazing how much we shared and discussed. I truly wished that he was still here, and gay as it might sound, I sorely miss him as a close friend. I miss those days of open sharing, between him, bo and myself. Those were the days when everything truly seemed well. But it was not meant to last. Memories. They can sometimes be dangerous double-edged swords. Looking through all of that left me feeling worse off than before, indeed, they made me feel completely horrid, yet, verily do I treasure them for they are the last few remaining memories of so close a friend.
Contradictions. Sometimes life is so full of them, that I get bewildered by them. And it is strange how thinking of Li Kai reminds me of yet another person who is where he ought to be now. I can only pray that all will be fine. Strange as it might sound, I feel that everything seems to be inter-connected, and looking at everything all at once gets too overwhelming. I can't make any sense out of it, but I pray that I would one day understand it all.
'Trust the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and He will make your paths straight.' Proverbs 3:5-6
Thus is it written upon the walls of the hallowed hall in ACS(I), and that, must indeed be my hope. For when I'm weak, then I'm strong. I fear that I cannot with my own intellect hope to comprehend these things, and I can only pray that the Lord will enlighten me to these things one day. Time is short, and I'll be booking in soon. Before I end off, I just want to say that I'm immensely proud of Zi Qiang, Lucas and Weng Ngai. All of you juniors who have fought so hard. Especially to Zi Qiang. My dear friend.. haha, you have done what I've failed to do. I can't say how proud I am to have juniors like all of you who have done so exceedingly well, clocking timings which I myself have never been able to acheive. You have fought hard to get into the world juniors, and while our standards have yet to match those of the world's best, it is a start. In many ways, I'm no longer your equals for all of you have surpassed me and I congratulate all of you for it. Keep fighting hard. I know its difficult, but I'm amazed and even touched by your determination, willpower and tenacity to overcome all odds. Truly, all of you have done AC and, I daresay, sir, proud. Haha, you guys make me wish that I had never left the arena. You guys make me wish for one more shot at it. If only.... If only.... Yet I guess it is but wistful thinking. My path goes a seperate way, but ever will I miss those days when we fought side by side to capture the title. Keep going guys.
posted by Jun Yi at 6:42 PM
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