Circles

The 2nd of November. How could I have almost missed it? It only occurred to me as I was about to fly off. I had the whole day to realize it but I only did when the day was about to end. Coincidence that the timing was about just right? Perhaps, but I doubt it. I don't know why it suddenly struck me; but it did. I don't why it never registered previously throughout the day; but it did when I saw my watch 4 hours ago displaying the date: 021108.

As a friend of mine loves to quote, 'there is no coincidence, only the illusion of it'. I've always found it strange hearing that from an atheist but that is besides the point. Staring out into the dark night sky at 30 000 feet, I could not help but ponder about the last 2 years of my life. And I realize that I've truly gone in a large circle. It's strange but I've realized that God has a certain tendency to make us go in circles. It's not the first time that I've reflected upon my life and found myself having walked a large circle. It's strange; it really is. But God has a way of making us re-walk certain paths (or perhaps it's just me?)

Almost 10 months have passed since I first wrote the above; it was written 10 months ago in the early hours of a morning in November upon the remembrance of a certain event but it was never published because I could not bear to. I can't remember why exactly it was never completed. Perhaps it was because I was too weary that early morning. Perhaps I did not particularly want to re-visit certain memories. I think it was probably a combination of the both. Nevertheless, this site has since then fallen into much disuse (not to say that it has been extremely active in the past). I can't explain why but I think it's because I've felt that it was too much of a chore to pen some of my thoughts down; especially those which I hold most dear to. But I've come a full circle yet again.

This blog was created upon the suggestion of a friend that my penning down of some of my thoughts might be an encouragement to others; and it strikes me as amusing today that I should be thus encouraged by many of my older posts. I felt oddly fuzzy and warm inside when I read many of my older writings; writings that have brought many a bitter-sweet smile to my face because as one of my posts so aptly puts it, the events were bitter because the outcomes were undesirable but sweet because they were dear to me. Above all, I was struck by my hope and youthful optimism. Am I suggesting that I'm no longer so? I hope I'm not. But I fear that it is not as it had been in the past these days. Am I finally conceding that hope is only for the young fool whose youth has made him oblivious to the harsh realities of life? No. I'm admitting that my faith in my Lord had at times wavered and that I've failed. But I digress. I've in the past written posts in the hope of encouraging others and I still do write them with that hope but I fear that I, being a fallen man like any other, find great difficulty in doing so. I'm not as noble as I would have wanted to be. But I've come to realize today that I should continue in this endeavor because even if there is no one else who is encouraged by my writings, I will one day look back on many of my posts with much fondness. Indeed, I'm currently of a mind to start keeping a diary and perhaps, future posts will come from 'declassified' writings from it. Whatever my decision, this represents a commitment to once again publish whenever I'm able to (which I do not think will be too often) in the hope that it'll one day not only encourage others, but myself too.

And with that, I present a essay which I had written in days past with the hope that it'll one day encourage others and myself.

Hope is a curious phenomenon. It is the irrational belief that an event will, against all odds, occur. Yet, despite it being completely irrational, many continue to indulge and draw strength from it. Ironically, the greater one's hope is, the greater one's fall will be should it prove to be naught. Still, there are countless people who persist in this illogical behavior of setting themselves up for a greater fall than necessary.

Perhaps it is because hope brings optimism and optimism brings happiness. Maybe those who hope would rather enjoy the brief respite of happiness than endure the bitter truth of reality despite the ever present threat that their hopes would be crushed at the very last. Given the unreliable nature of hope, one wonders why anyone would even put his or her trust in it. The answer to that lies, perhaps, in the fact that we humans are hardly rational beings although we often like to imagine ourselves as being one. We are, quite on the contrary, emotional beings and emotions are by nature, irrational.

As a self-professing believer in the deterministic nature of our universe, I used to believe in the absolute power of logic. Rationality was the path to enlightenment and the understanding of our universe. I saw emotions like hope as a weakness. Quite simply, I, at the age of 13, felt that emotions, completely illogical as they were, were limiting our potential as human beings. They obscured our logical processes, hurt us unnecessarily and prevented us from performing our duties to perfection. I felt that emotions were for the weak. Indeed, I remembered trying unsuccessfully to consistently rule over my emotions with a heavy handed dose of logic.

Strangely enough however, my emotional side eventually won over without even me realizing it until the victory was complete. Perhaps it was the years of training and the various ups and downs that I've experienced as a national athlete and a student-researcher; or perhaps it was my experience of living alone independently while training, studying and researching. But they have now led me to concede the undeniable truth that we humans are emotional beings and ironically enough, I now see emotions as our greatest strength.

Curiously, the source of their strength lies precisely in their irrationality. While the usefulness of a rational mind that has propelled us above all other species can hardly be doubted, its handicap can be significantly less obvious. Accustomed as we are to a logical mindset, we are all too often unknowingly confined to the boundaries of 'common-sense' and the usual notions of that which is possible and impossible. A perfectly logical mind not unlike that of a drone will never attempt to do anything that has a high probability of failure, especially when the failure carries with it a severe consequence. Greatness as we know it would never be manifested in beings such as these. The heroic acts that embody the virtue of self-sacrifice which cultures all around the world have come to honor would never have happened. Audacious feats of flying and landing on the moon would never have come to pass. It is hard to imagine how primitive society would be had our fore fathers not had the hope and courage to dream of that which seemed impossible to them.

Time is an inexorable current that sweeps its helpless victims relentlessly forward. We are doomed to live our lives but once; fail to do a crucial but apprehensive task and we're condemned to a life of regrets. Often, we fail because of our apprehension and fear of failure. Yet, hope is that which will see us through. It is that ray of light that we hold onto in the darkness. The end of the tunnel may have a painful fall awaiting us but at least we are comforted in the knowledge that the attempt to transverse it had been made and that we are spared the torment of regrets.

Emotions like hope can be our greatest strength but they can, like a sharp double-edged sword, be our worst enemies too. The dangers and pitfalls of a false hope are only too obvious. Fall from a high hope and one is sucked into a quagmire of other emotions which is, at best, difficult to escape out of. The excruciating pain of the fall deters us from attempting to cross in hope, but pain, like any other emotion, is appointed to us as emotional beings to experience. After all, what is it to have lived if we have not experienced the heights of joy and plumbed the depths of sorrow? Often, it is not about what we've achieved but the path that we took to get there. Medals rust and citations fade away but it is the memories that last for eternity. It is the memories of a journey fraught with difficulties interspaced with the occasional triumphs and more frequent jabs of grief and pain that makes life worth living. The pain may threaten to rip our hearts asunder but there is no need to fear it because it is part of that which makes our life complete. Still, it is never easy to extract ourselves from the torrent of emotions that batter us when we fail. The grief can sometimes be overwhelming but the trick is not to resist it head on. Often, it is easier to allow ourselves to be swept away by it and at the appropriate moment, lift ourselves above it and stand up once more, not unlike a man who is swept away by a flood but pulls himself to safety at the first overhanging branch.

Hope is one of humanity's greatest gifts but the disappointment that occasionally comes with it is never easy to accept. Yet for me, if there is one thing that I'll continue to do all the days of my life, it is to hope with the assurance that my Heavenly Father will lift me up whenever I fall.