Season of 2006?!!

The season of 2006 is drawing to a close with NCC not far off and the school nationals just completed. Everything's fine with just one problem - I'm not in it. I feel strangely... empty. Empty, as all about me, my friends finish off their season. Some in high spirits, others in not so high spirits; but all relieved at the end of it all. Odd though it may sound, I'm rather envious of them at having completed yet another season. Maybe envious is the wrong word, but there are now times when I feel doubtful of my decision to leave after last year. I'm envious not because of their individual achievements; but I'm envious of them at having fought yet another season in a team. At having fight and train along side their teammates.

Training hard along side people creates an incredibly strong bond; and I guess I miss being in a tightly knitted team. I miss being amidst my teammates; fighting towards a common goal; looking out for each other in the knowledge that we would gladly trust each other with our own lives. I miss that close personal touch.

I daresay I'm one who hardly regrets my decisions; yet it is hard not to question myself if I had truly chosen the right path for myself this time round. There are times when I'm doubtful at my decision to leave after last year's season. Add to that the... guilt that I feel everytime I pass by macritchie. I know it sounds weird, but I do feel guilty when I go pass macritchie these days. Guilty because I'm not training together with my teammates when I should have been. These doubts and guilts do make me wonder at times if I had chosen rightly.

In such doubtful times, a closer examination of the factors involved at the decision making then is a good way to cast those doubts away. It serves to remind you of why you chose what you did. In this particular case, I left because I realised I couldn't possibly study for physics olympiad at the end of the year and carry on training with the team. There was simply not enough time to do them both and still cope with my research then. It was a cross-road, and I knew I had to make a choice to give either one up and concentrate on the other. In the end, I decided to go where I knew I would want to go in the future - physics. On hindsight, it seems like a stupid and foolish choice. I mean.. I didn't get any medals for spho or made it to the ipho/apho team. Heck, that I even made it to the ipho training team was probably a fluke of luck too. From a very pragmatic point of view then, my decision was a real bad screw up. Had I stayed on in canoeing, I would still probably be able to get a couple of medals (even though I doubt the colours would be anywhere near gold with the likes of my teammates around.. haha), but now, all I have is.... nothing. Granted, our research did pretty well; we managed to publish some parts of it with another university and we got gold at SSEF, but still, I think we would have gotten it had I carried on training. I should have been rather bitter actually. Haha. As to why I wasn't even sore about it, I'll explain it some other time. I'm sure, however, that those of you who read all my other previous post will have an inkling of what the main reason may be.

In any case, one of the reasons why I didn't feel bitter was because of how much I've learnt through all the physics olympiad trainings. You learn things which just aren't found in books. You're stretched to your limits mentally (I was really mentally exhausted after the 1st day from 0900hrs to 1700hrs.. real killer man). They teach you to see things in a different light and you realise that there are a lot of ways to solve a problem. Of course, it was a heck of an eye-opener too to see the.... ingenious people from the other junior colleges. All in all, I've certainly learnt and gained much. The big question is then.... was it worth it? Was the gain in knowledge worth sacrificing a season for? That's a difficult question to be honest; but here's my answer. For the medals in that season, yes; for the friendships that could have been forged or made stronger, no. No matter how much knowledge you gain, it would all be worthless at the very end because what is most priceless is neither knowledge, money or anything else... but the relationships that are forged among people and God. That's what makes us human. The ability to reach out to others; to laugh and cry together. To trust in those about us and to bring humanity further. The human spirit as it were.

So was it all worth it? I suppose I'm glad that I've learnt all that I've learnt; yet I sorely regret not being able to fight along side my teammates for the last time. I regret not being there with them. I miss the feeling of being in a close family. Well.... you gain some, you lose some I suppose. It'll be great if we could win them all; but our time is fixed at 24 hours a day.... and we can't change that. Time goes on incessantly as it always does.

To God be the Glory

Firstly, in response to Bo's tag, I haven't been slacking.. haha, just been a tad too busy to update regularly now that school has started. Last weekend was fully occupied and the rest of the time was spent trying to finish up the darn long maths 's' tutorial. Well, just completed it and finished watching the Germany vs Italy semi-final match.. 2-0 to Italy in extra time. Hmm.. I daresay the Italians was the better team on the whole; but the referee was kinda screwed up. 2 penalties to the Germans in the first 90 mins which he didn't see so.... Results could have been entirely different.

Anyway, spent my last weekend racing with scf in the june fest dragonboat race. Wonderful race.. haven't felt a dragonboat flew that fast before. The speed was just simply unmatched. It was even faster than the last time I rowed with scf in a dragonboat.. but that was during macritchie regatta last year and I was rowing in a mixed scf boat so.... can't compare. I really enjoyed the race even though I had a couple of abrasions; but just being there, fighting along side all my teammates once again was an incredible feeling. Haha, you could just feel the confidence in the boat.. and that's a great thing to feel. We knew NJC Alumni was pretty good, but in Wei Li's words, 'they are good, but I think we're better'. Haha. In all fairness to NJC Alumni though, I guess they did try to put up a pretty good fight. Well, we got double golds for the mixed and men's 20 crew but sadly, couldn't finish it off with a cleansweep since the girls lost narrowly to get a silver =S.

Winning is always a great feeling.. I mean, who doesn't like to win right? I used to think in the past that when I won, it was ALL because I was better. As such, I guess there was always pride; pride over my achievements. Pride because I felt I won simply because I'm better and I'm faster. In a broader context outside of sports, there was always pride when I achieved a goal of mine. I wouldn't say I was arrogant or even one who had a lot of ego, but I certainly took silent pride in my achievements. I felt that the victory was purely due to my hard work; that the victory was deserved by me who was better than my opponents then.

I remember that in one GP lesson on philosophy, our teacher pointed out that there are many different types of philosophy. One of which is religious philosophy. I also remember her pointing out that there are people who asked the question of what does religion have to do with philosophy. They argue that the 2 are completely different matters and should not be confused together. Well, if you ask me, the 2 are inseperable, with philosophy being a subset of religion (of which being a subset of another depends largely on whether you believe in God though). The reason is simply because when you truly believe in God, your whole perspective of the world changes. You see the world in a wholly different light, a wholly different angle. It is thus impossible to seperate philosophy, the study of nature and meaning of the universe and of human life (as defined in the dictionary), from religion when you believe in God and He is in the centre of it all. Similarly, I started to see things in a radically different light after I believed in Him.

For one, I realised that it was foolish of me to have taken so much pride in all of my achievements. It is no doubt true that I've worked hard at them and that I probably did deserve them; but the fact that I did deserve them does not automatically warrant that I'm entitled to have them. It was by God's grace that the victory was achieved. If you don't work at anything, it is obvious that nothing will ever come out of anything. However, the converse is not always true; just because you work hard at something does not automatically means that you'll get something out of it. It is as I have said before; we have control over many things, but we have no control over more things (or something to that extent anyway, can't remember the exact wording). Try as we might, prepare to the fullest extent as it is possible; yet there are always things which are beyond us. Things which could cause us to fail despite all our efforts. The victory might be nigh at hand and well-deserved, but it would all amount to nothing if it were not for God's grace. Since it was by God's grace that the victory was achieved, then it would be silly to take pride in it, for we didn't quite 'earned' it. It is true that we did worked at it, but the results were only so because God allowed it to be so. Hence, the pride and honour should then logically be ascribed to God and not to ourseleves. Conversely, when we fail despite all our efforts, understand that it was God's will that it was so, though we may not see what good that failure could ever come to. Have faith in God that the failure would one day amount to something which we will treasure. Care should however, be taken to not 'push the blame' onto God for all our failures and to thus wallow in a quagmire of self-pity. A careful examination is required as to whether did we or did we not use all of the resources at our disposal to acheive our goal. It's difficult to know when exactly you've reached your limit, but as I've said before, you'll know when you truly have nothing left to give. The limit of which I speak of is defined largely by the unique circumstances in which you were placed in during that time. Our limits are constrained by the circumstances in which we're placed under, and during different periods of times in which we are placed under different set of circumstances, these limits would obviously change. Obviously, our limits are also affected by how much stronger (in a holistic sense) we have became. Many are the things within our power, but more are the things which are out of our control. Instead of seeking to control everything, something which is impossible to attain (consider this; no matter how powerful man becomes, he'll never be able to control his own fate of being born a human or the family to which he is born), perhaps we should just trust in God to manage those which are beyond us.

I felt a surge of pride when we won NJC alumni, a surge fuelled by the fact that we won by a rather large margin and that our crew contained quite a couple of 'reservists' people like myself who were no longer actively training. In all fairness to them though, they had to fight against people in the national squad so.... haha, we're even I guess (hmm, ok.. maybe not. We had a lot more actives than reservists so...). In any case, I was reminded on that day after that surge that it was not by my own prowess that the victory was achieved. It was certainly by the strength of all my other teammates; but most importantly, it was by God's grace that we had such a victory. Truly, to God be the Glory, for it was by His will that we were allowed to win, though we may have deserved it.

To God be the Glory great things he hath done,
So loved He the world that He gave us His son,
Who yielded his life and atonement to sin,
and opened the life gate that all may go in.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the Earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.
O, Come, to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give Him the glory great things He hath done.

O perfect redemption the purchase of blood,
through every believer the promise of God.
The vilest offender who truly believes,
that moment from Jesus a pardon receive.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the Earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.
O, Come, to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give Him the glory great things He hath done.

Great things, He hath taught us, Great things He hath done,
And great our rejoicing through Jesus the Son,
But purer, and higher and greater will be,
our wonder our transport when Jesus we see.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the Earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.
O, Come, to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give Him the glory great things He hath done.

Thus goes the familiar hymn of praise which is sung at every ACS(I) official function. To God be the Glory indeed.