Inspired by... an eraser

Time flows incessantly; a sure and steady current flowing ever into the direction of the future. The past cannot be once more; they are but memories to us. Markings fade, metal corrodes, structures fall into ruins; so must all physical objects degenerate with the passing of time. Souvenirs are but physical and will one day be gone. Perhaps, the best preserved items are our memories and the feelings associated with them.

These are the things which can be preserved for as long as a life time if we desired them to. A powerful impact leaves deep imprints on us all, imprints which are preserved despite the effects of weathering. When all that is physical that were once associated with the event is long gone, our memory of it still remains intact. Fond memories that bring a knowing smile regardless of the outcomes of those events. A smile reliving the happy times of old, or a bitter-sweet smile at the sad occasions. Bitter because the outcome was undesirable, but sweet because it was something dear to you.

I wish I could re-visit the past with the knowledge of the present.. haha.. who doesn't? Not so much because I want to change the outcomes of certain events, undo or do certain things; but rather because I would want to go about life in the past seeing things as I do now. To live in the time of the past, but to cherish it in a whole new way. It would be an entirely different experience. Alas, that time and life is as such. There are no 'stop, rewind, and re-play' buttons. That's why I always believe in making major decisions with my heart. To live without regrets; even if it means that the choice would, logically, be foolish and a hopeless endeavour. Hope is that little peep of light that drives us to do these irrational things. Things which we cannot hope to, rationally, be successful in. Nevertheless, we do them because we hope against all odds that tiny though the chance may be, we would still achieve it at the very end. It is that hope that causes us to attempt at something which we know with near certainity would close with a painful fall; but we trudge on anyway. I prefer it this way. If all goes well, great... if it does not, at least I can look back later and not be filled with the horrible itch to want to 'stop, rewind and re-play'. The fall may be excruciating, but I rather that than a life filled with regrets.

Speaking of memories and of the past, I cannot help but not mention the AC(I) Canoeing team.. haha. The place where I learn the many things which helped made me who I am today. I'm overwhelmed everytime I think about how far we have all came. You can practically see how far each and every individual of the team have grown and changed. From Sec 1 till now.. the various stages in which we all went through. Its amazing just how much we have all grown and changed.. and now, we are all in different walks of life.. in different schools, different enviroments... but the one thing that would never change, the one thing which still unites and bind us all is the fact that we were all once teammates under Sir. That somehow hit me really hard when I went back to ACS(I) in march this year. It was for the last time I would be back there for an official reason and as I walked around the campus, the memories just flooded back in. I could remember the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach as I wondered ahead about training and what we were going to do. The smell of the rubbery track and the hated 400m circuits. The basketball courts and the here-and-there circuits. The space in front of the P.E office where we used to did weights when we were in Sec 1... I particularly remember one training session in Sec 1 where Sir made us did 1 min weights. It was when the seniors were having their mid-years and it was a pure Sec 1 training. The programme was a killer and I remember being really thankful for the stormy but cool weather. Haha... back then, we were all doing naked bars or the heaviest being 2.5 kg weights. Still, I remembered it being insanely heavy.. haha. The smell of the gym which still somehow causes my stomach to churn a little at the thought of training in there. It all came back and I saw how far we as individuals all came... and its strange, but it was all rather emotional. As I thought over it at night before I slept, it moved me to tears... but they were tears of joy as I saw how much we have all grown. They were sweet, but yet bitter in a sense for I know that the team of 2004 can never be again save in our cherished memories. Time rolls forward as it always does, but history will always be history. Let us treasure it.

To all my national team mates, I haven't forgotten you guys.. haha. It was indeed an honour to have trained with you guys, to have fought along side you guys. Training with you guys always demanded the best of my abilities. The memories I have there are just as intense as those back at AC(I). It was a very different experience, but one that was memorable nonetheless. The fond memories of both morning and evening trainings are ever etched deeply in my mind... the smell of the grass in the morning, the sight of those old folks doing tai-chi, the setting of the sun in the evening, the red sky as the sun disappears below the tree-line, and the subsequent darkness. The experience of rowing in the dark under the countless stars, tired and exhausted after a killer programme. The deep Russian accent of Boris, the way he speaks. The board-walk in which our runs normally end off... the time when we were singing as we ran through the jungle.. haha.. and that Boris said it was good.. lol. Even the toilet... where we all had to share one hose and wash the toilet regularly.... and fix the locks.. haha. How we were wondering who came in to stole our shampoo and soap that we left in the toilet. The unavoidable rivalry that existed between us all when we tried to out-perform each other... but the friendship that still remained at the end of it all. The comical effects to which the PA systems were used. There's simply too much to type out... the good memories.. the bad memories... but they are all dear to me. Memories that will be preserved till my very last breath.

The writings may disappear, the medals rusty and the training gear worn out; but the feelings, emotions and memories will never.

Emotions... and Trust

Recent events have reminded me of how powerful our emotions can be... how inexplicable and inexorable they are. One of the things which distinguish us, the dominant species on this planet, from all others. One of the things which makes us human. A sharp, double-edge sword it is.

I remember believing that emotions were what made us weak. I felt back then in sec 1 that emotions were irrational, something which defies our rational thoughts. I felt that only the weak were emotional. The emotional aspect clouded their judgement and made them less objective than they should have been. Emotions, I felt, affected their ability to execute their duties logically, and to perfection. It is curious that I now see emotions in such a radically different and positive light 6 years on. How the change came about is one which I myself am not too sure about. There wasn't any... underlying causes so to speak, nor any 'trigger events' that made me saw otherwise. It was an extremely gradual process, and one to which I have not much recollection of. Perhaps part of it may have something to do with my rather sensitive and emotional sister. In any case, I no longer see emotions as a weakness of humanity, but rather its greatest strength.

Life is a curious thing by its own right. What does it mean to have lived? What does it mean to have lived as a person; as a human being? To me, to live is to have experienced life in all its different lights. To know the ups and the downs, to have felt the joys and the triumphs, to have wallowed in a quagmire of sorrow, to have felt all the other various, intense emotions. It's not so much the individual achievements as the path it took to get there. The path that was fraught with difficulty, with occasional triumphs, with jabs of sorrows and pain. It is the path that imprints itself most in our memories, not so much that of the individual achievement itself. There are good memories, there are bad memories, but they are all fond memories. These memories capture the emotions we were experiencing back then.. the hurt, the victorious feeling... everything. And these are what we see and cherish when we look back. When we are finally on our death beds, these are the things which we would relish. We would relish the memories of the good times.. and the bad times. The times when we were jubilant and the times when we were in depression.

No one likes getting hurt or being sorrowful, yet it is one of the things which makes us human. The ability to get hurt. I suppose one can then disown the human race and attempt to not be human... but what is the point and purpose? At the end of it all, when we are finally nearing the end of our lives, what is there then to look back at? Simply all our materialistic achievements? Would we then be satisfied with our lives? At having known what life as a human felt like? Or would we feel the emptiness of the vast halls in which all our achievements hang meaninglessly? Ideally, we all wish we would never be sad nor hurt... so why doesn't God protects us from all this? My answer is because if God did so, then He would be depriving us of what it was to have lived. It's the downs that make us treasure the ups in life. I'm not saying that we should all become masochistic, but my point is that we should not be afraid of getting hurt. We should not shun all our emotions simply because of not wanting to be hurt. Shunning them would be to lose what it is to be human. Shunning them is to deny ouselves life. Neither should we wrap ourselves up in an armoured cocoon to prevent ourselves from getting hurt for we isolate ourselves when we do so.. and no man is an island.

Historically, protectionism policies have always failed in the long run. So too have states which have isolated themselves. They have failed because of the principle that no man is an island. Humanity have came thus far not because of our individual brilliance, but because of our ability to form relationships and work together. Our ancestors in the pre-historic times surivived because they relied on each another.. on team work and on their brains. Physically, we were no match for the powerful predators that hunted us on the plains of Africa; but together as a team, we evaded them and became predators instead of preys. We were made for each other in that sense. The ability to work together, to form complex relationships is one of the things which distinguishes us. I'm not advocating that we should all suffer from sloth and become dependent on others, but I'm pointing out that no matter how independent a person is; he is still ultimately dependent upon others. This leads us to the question of trust. Trust has a lot to do with emotions... in the sense that we are distrustful because we are afraid of being hurt.

We do not completely trust and confide in another person because we are afraid that someone who has that much knowledge of us would be capable of hurting us in an unimaginable way. That is why we sometimes prefer to work alone - because we know that we certainly can depend on ourselves. We distrust others and equip ourselves in armour so that we would not be hurt. Yet, if we were to do that, it would only serve to hinder us. It would serve to hinder us, because we were made for each another. We were made to work together, to live together. Western medieval knights fight poorly in the desert or under prolong combat because carrying all that armour is tiring. It is tiring to remain distrustful of others and to continually depend on yourself. Shedding the armour would make us more vulnerable to attacks, but it also makes it less tiring. And when we are no longer afraid of being hurt, then neither will we be of the attacks. In that case, what use has the armour but to tire us? Of course, to not be afraid of being hurt may seem insane... but I think I've mentioned it before in my previous post under pain or failure... can't really remember which one. It's not so much of being not afraid of pain or hurt, but rather knowing that we would eventually be healed and whole again. It may be painful, but with God's grace and His healing, we would be fully healed eventually. It may take a long time perhaps, but we will be fine at the end of it all. It is hope, the belief that there will be a rainbow after the storm that sustains us.

It is less tiring to just trust in others, to believe that they will never hurt you. It is unfortunate that there will be those who do, but let us accept the hurt and move on in the knowledge that God would always be there to heal us. Being suspicious and continously wary of others is too draining. It may protect us, but like the heavy armour, it would soon wear us out. Spinning an impregnable web about ourselves and shunning out all emotions serves only to isolate us and deprive ourselves of what it means to be human. Life is precious... live it to the fullest and without regrets. Live it as a human, not a well-lubricated machine.

Music

If I could have a choice as to where my strengths lie, one area in which I would certainly choose in is that of music. I have said it before, but I will say it again - music is truly an amazing thing. Is it not amazing how a sad, melancholy tune is never mistaken by anyone as a carefree, happy one? Or how a song which laments a failed relationship is never mistaken to be a song which tells of a blossoming one? We seem to instinctively know the difference... all without any form of formal or informal education in music. We just know. 7 whole tones... just 7, and it can so adequately describe our emotions. The english language requires 26 alphabets and years of education. Granted, the english language is capable of describing more than just our emotions, but for all its brilliance, it is unable to as accurately as music, describe the single most difficult thing - our feelings. Perhaps it is because, music like our emotions, is something more vague; whereas the english language is much too precise to describe them.

It never fails to amaze me how just 7 tones, in different permutations and rhythm, can create so diverse a language. The same notes, in the same order, but with a different rhythm could have an entirely different feel. Of course, music today has many different genre; but I shall lump all of them into 2 major groups. The older, classical music and the newer contemporary music. Each has its own beauty, and are nice in different ways. The music of our time is something which is more... immediately gratifying in a sense. They are easier to accept but there is something missing from it. I can't quite point out exactly what, but classical music is.... more nourishing to the soul so to speak. Perhaps it's because I first came to like classical music in difficult times that I feel this way about it. It came to me as something to hold on to as the flood threatened, and maybe thats why I view it thus. It teleports you into a world, a world different from which you are physically in, a world where you can find solace, joy or even healing. There's just something about it which can absorb and assimilate you temporarily into the composer's world. Of course, not all classical pieces are written to express emotions or feelings... some are written to showcase the virtuoso's skills.. which is entertaining, but might not be very nice to listen to. The best pieces are those which are emotional and showcases the virtuoso's skills.. haha.. you get the best of both worlds then.

Personally, if I had the talent, I wouldn't mind dedicating my life to music... to just perform around the world in an orchestra. Practice might be difficult, but it's certainly worth the effort when you can be immersed in the music during the performance. I've been a student-athlete for all my secondary school and J1 life, and hence, it is with all fairness that I say that sports is different from music in that it is more selfish. Selfish in the sense that when you go out and compete in an event, its all about you. It's all about trying to win that gold. Music is different in that when you go out to perform, you want to do your best not because of any medal, but because you want to convey your love, your passion for music, to the audience. The audience and the performer forms a kind of positive feedback system. The audience appreciates a well-executed piece and applaudes the performer(s) readily, which then spurs the performer to do even better for the next item. The cycle generates a wonderful atmostphere... one that certainly makes a good concert worthwhile, and one that makes everyone present to not want that night to end. A good concert simply takes your breath away, making you wish that the magical night will never go away.

Music is a classic example of something which we both know but yet not know. We know how music is generated.. the physics behind it is well-developed. There is no uncertainity as to how it is generated by our musical instruments, but we are completely at a loss as to why it has such a powerful effect on us. It somehow relates to our feelings instinctively and that is no doubt why it remains so mysterious and unexplained.... because we still can't quite explain nor describe adequately our feelings with words. It simply has to be experienced.

Patriotism?

Arriving back at Singapore yesterday, I could not help but admire the quality and efficiency of our airport in comparision to that of most other countries. Not that I like to compare, but the constrast is stark upon touching down. There's just something about Changi which makes it stand out. The atmosphere (I'll bet they had quite a couple of interior designers designing the place), the amount of shops, and the slick, hassle-free way you can just walk out of the airport without waiting for a long time to clear the immigration. I suppose you can say that there was a swell of national pride in me then, but prior to that, I had a rather different feeling when I first touched down on Singapore soil. It's more of a sense of relief at finally being home.

Its difficult to explain, but while the world outside is certainly more attractive than Singapore in a way, there is just that sense of relief when you're finally back. The weather here's terribly warm and humid, not to mention boring (I think I'll certainly enjoy a temperature climate more than a tropical one. It'll probably be troublesome, but I think its more interesting to have different moods in different seasons of the year (= .) ; there's a ton of work to do when you're back, but somehow you feel relieved in a sense. Perhaps I was just relieved at being back in a place in which I'm familiar with, a place in which I grew up in, a place in which I knew where to find what. This feeling along with the upsurge of national pride later made me quenstioned once more about patriotism.

Patriotism... loyalty towards one state.. What is it exactly that makes us loyal to the state? Why are we loyal to.... certain people, certain organisations? I guess its because we feel.. in debt to that particular organisation or person,and we feel its just right for us to repay it. Our loyalty is but the least we could do after what the person or organisation has done for us. That is what I feel towards AC, and I suppose that's why we always want AC to be the best - because we're loyal to it and we always want to see its flag fly high. I suppose the same applies to nations. Yet, there is a big difference between the two. People have killed in the name of patriotism, but I don't suppose anyone has ever done so for an institution/school.

The big question then is... why the difference? Certainly not because the nation has done more than an institution/school in making you the person you are... but perhaps because when people fight to defend a nation, they do so to defend their homes? Their material possessions, their values and their beliefs. Of course, the glaring difference is that no school has a military arm or weapons or anything close to that. Patriotism... something often touted as a value desired for.. but is it truly beneficial for the human race? Is it not because of patriotism that countries are divided? Is it not because of patriotism that wars are fought? National pride, territorial claims, fights over resources to name a few. All in the name of the state. In the words of Bertrand Russell, ' Patriotism is the willingness to kill, or be killed for trivial reasons'. Personally, I've always thought that patriotism is what divides us as a human race. Consider the amount of energies we've wasted in attempting to outwit each another when these could have been put into something more constructive, something which can further the human race. (I suppose it can be argued that competition advances the human race, but not when you spend so much time trying to devise new and better ways of killing each other). Sounds idealistic perhaps, but yes; I suppose I am to a certain extent, someone who believes in these ideals. Ideals to further the human race as a whole, to reach for the stars and beyond. It's human nature to not trust what we do not know.. and I guess that's one of the problems with the idea of countries. Mistrust exists between us all, and it divdes humanity. There is nothing wrong with being loyal to one country, but to be willing to kill for it is. At least in my opinion anyway. Being loyal means standing up to help and defend it in times of crisis, but defending does not equate to killing. Being loyal means working to keep the flag flying high, but you do so not by making other flags fly lower. We all want the organisation to which we are loyal to do better than the rest, but the competition should never become hostile. The other side is not necessarily worse off than us, just different. The absolute belief that one's country is better off than another is but one reason why wars have started. Absolute truths, indeed, may just be the bane of humanity. There's a lot to go on about this, but I shall not go further for the time being.

Patriotism is good only as long as we do not go to extreme ends to further the country's needs. By extreme ends, I refer to anything, be it economically, politically or militarily, which will affect another country in a negative manner. To do so is to simply commit crimes against humanity. There is.. nothing wrong with patriotism in its most basic essence, but many have commited crimes against humanity in its name. Patriotism creates rivalry among countries and so threatens to divide humanity... but if at the end of the day, we can look beyond this narrow definition of loyalty and realise that we all belong to the human race, then there is no harm. Friendly rivalry will serve naught but to bring humanity to greater heights; but it is a fine line to draw. Lose sight of the fact that the rivalry is friendly, and patriotism will divide humanity as it has always done. Lose sight of it, and patriotism would be the bane of humanity.

'If I knew something that would serve my country but would harm mankind, I would never reveal it; for I am a citizen of humanity first and by necessity, and a citizen of France second, and only by accident.' - Montesquieu

Failures

It is interesting how little things can remind you of other, bigger issues.

I happened to stumble upon one of my older music CD which I compiled back in sec 4 when I was packing my stuff yesterday. Decided to bring it along with me and as I listened to it, fond memories of the year 2004 surfaced. Songs tend to have a different 'feel' to them when you listen to them under different circumstances; and after first listening to them under a certain circumstance, you come to associate that particular song with the circumstances you were in when you first listened to it. The 'songs of 2004' were rather different in nature to those to which I currently listen to; and its interesting to see how our taste of music changes as we ourselves change. Music is truly an amazing thing. It is in a sense, impossible to be adequately described by language, for it transcends it. Much like our emotions. There's just something within it, something which we feel for, and something which no word can represent fully. In any case, the thing that struck me when I was listening to them was quite simply: why was I no longer listening to them? When did they... 'fall out of favour'?

The answer wasn't because they were no longer nice; they still were. In a different sense perhaps, from the music to which I currently listen to most of the time, but still enjoyable. I guess the answer was just simply because I feel different now, and I've pretty much forgotten about them. Yet, it was still nice to listen to them, but its just that when you're too absorbed with the current genre of music you currently listen too, you do not pay attention to the rest. And that is, sometimes, quite true in our lifes too. Often we are too absorbed in what we are trying to achieve that we fail to see the beauty present in many other things. Things, which perhaps, God has intended for us to see, but we have, in our constant insistence on doing our routine, mundane things, have forgotten about.

There are many things which are within our control, but there are more which aren't. There will be times whereby you still fail despite doing everything that could have been done; and there are times whereby we succeed just by simply doing nothing. It is of course difficult to quantify what is meant by 'doing everything that could have been done', but personally, I feel you'll know it when you have done so. When you have squandered no opportunity, when you have squeezed out every second from that 24 hrs, when you feel absoultely drained... You know that you are close to dying when you are drowning.. when you are just struggling to keep your head above the water at all cost. I used to think that saying its God's will when we fail is one heck of an excuse; and I suppose it is, when we have not done our best. That was why I didn't buy it in the past, because I thought and believed there was no limit to my best. I believed a lot in my determination and willpower - I believed I could do anything as long as I had the necessary determination and will to. Again, I would not be so bold as to make a generalisation, but I now know for a fact that my strength is but finite. Others perhaps, may reach greater heights which knows no limit, but I for one, know mine is finite. God's will is longer an excuse when you have done all that could have been done. There are times whereby we are just unable to comprehend what good could ever come out of a failure; why God subject us to what we feel are undeserved pain. It is difficult to see the bright side of life when everywhere seems dark; yet it does exist. I believe it does; much like how we've forgotten about the older songs which we used to listen to everyday. They are still there, but we've just simply became too absorbed in our current genre of music to remember about them. The world is full of beautiful things, but we are perhaps too blinded to see them. A failure sometimes, just give us that reminder that we need; to stop and see. Or it might just simply be God's way of saying that, 'hey, that path isn't the one which you'll truly like'. Truth is, I still don't know why we, despite doing all that we could have done, still fail sometimes. But what I do know, or rather believe, is that something good will come out of it. I may not be able to see all ends, but I have faith that God has good intentions when he makes us fall. Foolishly optimistic perhaps, but hope is ever the strength which sustains us. It is difficult to explain, but when you believe that life is good despite the darkness, it will be good. The darkness may seem never ending, but just believing that there is a light at the very end of it all just lifts your spirits. Its true that the more hopeful we are, the more painful the fall; but when you're able to see through that pain and believe that there is still a light behind that, then there isn't any harm in being optimistic all the time. Its interesting to note how much we treasure the little things in life when we are going through difficult times. The blue sky, the cool breeze upon your face, the chirping of the birds, the warmth of the sun when the day breaks (not in the afternoon, that would be sweltering), the fact tt there is no training on tt day.... anything. Things which might have gone unnoticed simply appear to you in a different light. Problem is, we often forget about them once life gets simpler and better. I guess the trick is to remember and never forget these little things, these little things which still make the world beautiful when all appears dark... and to trust in God that there will be a rainbow after the storm.

Pain

"If the Pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger." - Sir, Mr. See.

... Oh, "and when you train with me gentlemen, I assure you that I won't kill you".

Haha, not sure if Sir got it from somewhere else, but its amazing how true it is. It is one of the things which have been drilled into us since Sec 1. I remember being humbled by all my seniors when I saw how hard they all trained. I have, until then, never seen the likes of them. They might not have completely enjoyed doing what they did, but when they trained, they trained hard and uncomplainingly. Outside of training, they hardly speak of how hard they trained, but when they're in it, 100% was a given. And that was how I learnt. It was unspoken; they taught us the ropes in silence. That was how I first learnt how to fight. To keep going, fighting the pain, silently and uncomplainingly. To search deeper within yourself when you could find no more, and when there is truly nothing left, to search in those beside you who are going through the same if not worst. And that was about the most important thing we learnt. What it was to fight, to preserve, to give it your all - silently and uncomplainingly. It was to be the basis of many other things to come.

Back in sec 1, pain was pretty much a one dimensional word to me. It was quite simply, physical pain and no more. Of course, physical pain can take many forms as well.. you have the muscular ache, the direct, sharp pain of an open wound ( its an insider thing which only kayakers/canoeists will know), or the blunt pain of certain types of injuries etc, etc. In this context, Sir's phrase will apply only to that of the muscular ache and perhaps the open wound (I'm not sure of this, but I think my pain tolerance towards open wounds has, sadly, increased after all this years... lol). Having a serious injury equates pretty much to being dead since its irreversible, and hence, the phrase doesn't apply to the physical aspect of it. Notice I said it doesn't apply to only one aspect, because if you are able to live with it, you'll come out of it a stronger person. One dimensional though it may be, physical pain alone is by its own right, challenging to grapple with. It might seem strange, but one of the reason why I train hard back then and even now when I'm retired is because I'm afraid of pain. Truth be told, I'm rather afraid of pain, especially physcial pain; but that's also why I train hard. I train hard to conquer my fear of pain as it were, and I suppose to some extent I've been successful for I daresay pain is something rather familiar now. Not that I'm no longer not afraid of it, I still am, but the limit at which I start getting afraid now is much further back as compared to in sec 1. Back then, learning to fight and deal with physical pain was something which pre-occupied me to quite a large extent. I guess I did learn several things through all that wrestling with physical pain - for one, I learnt determination and willpower. With these came self-control, for I was better able to control my emotions and temper. A whole host of other things came from just trying to grapple with physical pain; but it'll take too long to list them all. In any case, dealing with physical pain had several approaches, but it was mainly that of confronting it with willpower and determination. Of course, it also helps to have happy thoughts when you're going through crap. If the pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger.

As time when by, the forms in which pain manifested itself to me multiplied. As we move away from the more common definition of pain, that of physical pain, perhaps I should define pain more clearly. I suppose pain is something intense which is out of your comfort zone.. be it in any aspect. I began to see that pain can be manifested in other ways besides that of physical. The most obvious one was mentally. Training took its toll on the physcial body, but often, it is the mental toll which prove to be fatal. Add to the fact that one has to cope with studies and sports, and you get a not very enviable position. But of course, the 2 are managable, but things starts getting difficult when you start having to live alone as well. Living alone, while it does gives you unlimited freedom, has its downsides too. For one, the freedom is useless when you have no time, and for another, living alone poses its own set of challenges. It was then in sec 4 that I first became aware of pain in that manifestation. Until then, I have never quite felt mentally fatigued before, but for that one week in which I was living alone, I felt it. It was bascially a feeling of being strecthed too thin and of being.... alone. Not to say that I do not enjoy time spent alone by myself in reflection or otherwise, but believe me, you do wish for some company when you get back home at 2200hrs and you still have to do menial chores like washing your training gear and watering plants. In any case, when your mentally tired you just feel like not fighting anymore, to give up, to drop the horrendous, monotonus routine of studying, training, sleeping and chores. Mental pain gnaws at your fighting spirit, something which doesn't feel very good. But in any case, I guess I did grew stronger out of it all. I became a mentally stronger person, someone more able to withstand blows. Or rather, I was confident that I could deal with them because I've dealt with worst. Dealing with such pain is a pretty straightforward one... you simply met it with more tenacity of purpose and mind. So I suppose Sir was still right; if the pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you a stronger person.

As time went by even more, I became aware of the worst manifestation of pain.. or at least it is the worst in my opinion. That of emotional pain (Incidentally, it was a jab of such pain today that made me wrote this rather long post). It tears and pulls your heart in different directions, something which is absolutely awful. Your mind is just simply thrown into a turmoil of emotions from which it is difficult to pull out of, much as a stricken ship in a whirlpool. It is difficult to do anything when your mind is in such a state. Emotions are curious things; they are both our greatest strength and weakness. Quite simply, they are one of the things which makes us human. The ability to feel, to cry, to laugh. Its easy to lose one's head in a whirlpool of emotions; in a flood of heart-wrenching emotions. To shun them though, is to not feel what it truly is to be human. The trick is to be able to pull yourself out of it. It is not so much of being impervious to it, but more of feeling the pain in full force, but knowing that you'll be able to pull yourself up again, to get back on track with life. It is a different type of willpower required from dealing with the other 2 pains in the sense that it is not a straightforward confronatation. To confront it head-on is to shun it, but there is only so much before the dam bursts. Rather, it is more of swimming along with the powerful current in a flood, but knowing that you'll be able to pull yourself up to safety at the first sight of a overhanging tree branch. On another seperate note, one of the best way (I feel) to counter such pain is to pray. Its amazing how God can fill your heart with a sense of peace with the world and oneself. In any case, it is difficult to put these things in words, or perhaps my command of the language is simply failing me. These are but analogies, to understand, one would have no choice but to feel them. If the pain doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger. Amazing how true that is.