'See and you will believe, know and you will achieve '

Thus reads the title of a post by a senior of mine whom I do not personally know (he's in Zhi En's year I believe). Feng Ze directed me to his blog and I thought that it was a great post. I daresay that all of us who were under Sir ( a.k.a Mr. See Teck Hock, the only teacher whom we all universally address 'Sir' outside of class out of pure respect) in ACS(I) canoeing would agree that he is a coach unlike many. Personally, I deem it a privillege to have trained under him because as I've said before in my earlier posts, it is his training that has made me to be who I am today.

He taught us how to fight. He taught us what determination and discipline was all about. He taught us to succeed despite with a spirit of humility.

There's so much more that I wish to write, but time is once more closing in on me. I'm leaving for an outfield exercise that will be our first in armour and supposedly the worst. Plus, the weather these days has been rather wet. Oh well, I can only pray that the weather will be kind to us while we're out there.

In the words of my senior, 'Mr See truly believed in first cultivating character to enable a person to succeed in sports and eventually become a winner later in life. The reason why I am here today is because of everything he taught'. Hear, hear. For those interested, here's the address : http://merke.blogspot.com/2007/07/see-and-you-will-believe.html

Of Music, 'Emptiness' and Blogging

I cannot help but be amazed at the power of music. Yes, I know that I've touched on this before, but the power it has is so profound that I think it bears mentioning again. There is something queer about classical music. There is a form of wholesome-ness about it which modern music seems to lack. It seems to nourish the very essence of our souls at times when we are in need of it; there is a healing property hidden within its' notes.

I was pondering about the causes of 'emptiness' after talking to Khairul; and I felt the familiar hollow feeling begin to spread within me. It was then that I was abruptly reminded of classical music and its 'wholesome-ness'. I do not know why it had suddenly occurred to me then, but it did. Listening to the works of old, I inexplicably felt a joy which I had once known but have recently forgotten after entering the armour officer cadet course (AOCC). The lapse in memory was caused not so much by the course as it was from a period of unintentional abstinence from classical music (though the lack of personal time due to the course probably did contributed to it). In any case, listening to some of my favourite works seemed to bring me a sense of calm and peace. Somehow, beyond any comprehension, it filled the emptiness within me and replaced it with contentment. Perhaps the power which classical music possesses is its ability to transport one into another world. As I was surrounded by its embrace, I was momentarily in another world; a world of peace, laughter and joy. A world in which there are no burdens or troubles. Truly, it reminds me of God's kingdom; and listening to it makes me yearn for His kingdom to come. Ever will I hope to see that day arrive.

God's kingdom. I would imagine it to be a place filled with mirth and music. I would imagine it to be a place where there would be music in the air, where children can run freely and happily. I would imagine it to be a place filled with peace and joy, a place where no trouble or burden can exist. It then occurred to me why I never wanted to sign on as a regular officer in the army. Being in the army reminds one constantly of just how much Man has fallen. It is sad to see how depraved Man has became; depraved because we are spending so much time, money and effort simply to prevent ourselves from killing each other. I guess that's one main reason why I would never want to remain in the army for long. Sure, there are times whereby its impressive how much technology in the army can achieve, but ultimately, that technology is designed to kill a fellow man. No matter how 'cool' the weaponry may be, it is still a weapon; a weapon designed to take life away from a man who most probably doesn't even know you. In retrospect, perhaps this is one of the contributing factors for the gnawing empty feeling that I sometimes experience.

One of the conclusions which I came to after discussing this 'emptiness' briefly with Khairul was that a lack of purpose seemed to be a sure contributing factor to it. It also seems to me that this 'emptiness' is not something unique to myself but is shared by quite a few others. I daresay that there are many factors contributing to it, but chief among them would be a lack of purpose. For my own part, I know all too well why we have to serve, but that all the more highlights the sorry state humanity is in; it is an emphaise that saddens me. I have no doubts that this is a main reason why I feel the hollow-ness within me. It simply feels horrible to know that you are spending precious time learning how to kill, and this wastage is all because of how much Man has fallen.

A second reason, I think, for this 'emptiness' is the 'losing' of friends. This is something which can never be prevented in life as each of us will take paths that will diverge from each other. Yet, being in the army worsens it because of the limited time that we have outside of camp. It is sad to see a relationship waning in strength due to a lack of time from both parties. Perhaps this is something which cannot be helped, but knowing this fact does little to ease the discomfort. I suppose one can cherish the memories of the past times, but doing so too often has the opposite effect of making one wishing more for the past to return. Memories, as I've said before, is a dangerous double-edged sword. Think too much and it can something serve only to increase the 'hollow-ness'.

A third reason for this 'emptiness' would be due to memories I think. Memories of good times with/or people when contrasted against the present, lesser times, can gnaw terribily at one's heart strings. This is perhaps one of the worst feelings, especially when you know that there is nothing you can do to remedy the situation. A bout of feeling absolutely powerless only serves to deepen the hollow pit.

Well, time is once again making a fool of me and I'll soon have to book in. I've been updating rather regularly these days despite a tighter schedule, and strangely enough, I think I know why. Blogging has its distinct advantages these days when everyone is leading their own lives. It is difficult to even sustain a prolonged conversation these days, much less recount all that is on one's heart. Blogging however, allows one to express freely on any topic at any time. I doubt anyone should read this anytime soon, but I must admit that I now see blogging as a rather convienient tool to help organise one's thoughts.

(29+17)/2 = 23

Well, thanks to national day tomorrow, I managed to book out today! Haha, I'll still have to book in tomorrow night, but it sure beats not being able to book out I suppose. In any case, I've made a rather astounding mathematical discovery while in camp. It came about without even me thinking about it. Strange as it might sound, it simply popped out in my mind before I went to bed on Monday night and I was amazed by it. Simple but elagant.

(29+17)/2 = 23

God really does has His sense of humour sometimes. Yes, I know, it seems that I've lost my marbles and whatever intellect which I used to possess; yet, I assure you that I've not. Haha. I know well that the results do not mean anything, but I can't help but marvel at His sense of humour. Ok, enough said lest any of you guys think that I've truly lost it.

On another note, I passed by Toh Tuck Rd while coming back from camp just now and it reminded me of the times Leon and I ran through that area. Haha. It really did bring back wonderful memories of those pre-A Level days. Looking back, although things did not turn out as well as I would like for them to have turned out, I'm glad that we did those crazy stuffs while still studying for the As. My only regret was that we didn't start earlier. Going to those places far away from school and at many times, the more 'exotic' areas of Singapore was simply amazing. There are, after all, not many who have gone under a huge drain crawling with lizards of unbelievable size, through a cemetry at night, or simply through tracks (not running tracks). And these are but a few of the places which we have gone. I miss those days and I'm glad I stuck to my commitments. Although as I said, things didn't go quite as I hoped for, I'll continue to trust in the Lord that all will work out well.

Sometimes (which can be quite frequent actually), I wonder how life would be had I continued rowing. Haha. There are always times when I would wonder just how much more could I have gone had I stayed. My experiences, for one, would have been entirely different. I would also have had a lot of fun with the team in the second year. But what's done is done. Maybe I'll row again after NS is over. I don't know. Oh, and I stumbled upon this old photo below. I thought it was quite funny that it should show me with a HJC blade in a oversized boat (for me). Lol. Opps. And no, I didn't steal their blade or commit 'treason', haha, its probably just a testament to how nice Joseph is to sometimes lend the team HCI's equipment when we do not have enough. Haha. And to Marcus and Yu Hang if you ever read this, honestly, were I not from AC, I would have gladly gone over to help HJC win the title that year. Haha. Miss those days too, even though training was hellish then. Boris and his thick Russian accent was ever entertaining. But enough of these thoughts. Memories. They can be consuming sometimes, but they are what one would tend to indulge in when one is stoning during mindless things like field pack inspections.

Contradictions?

This past week has been relatively easy going (which is why I have the time now to write this) because we were fortunate enough to enjoy a long weekend out of camp. However, I spent quite some of that time resting in bed after coming down with a cold. Argh. Anyway, I'm looking forward to booking out on national day next week, haha, but I'll have guard duty on the 11th. =S

Life as it is for me these days is somewhat of a contradiction. On one hand, being in armour is more interesting and meaningful as compared to being in any of the other formations simply because I do believe that armour, as the modern day knight, will be the formation which will make the difference should, God forbid, we ever march to arms. We have the best the army has to offer in terms of firepower, mobility and protection, meaning we get to use more of the higher tech stuff. Besides, as armour officer cadets, we get to see things at a much higher level than the rest of our peers. That much is reason enough for me to be content I guess; and compared to J1, I suppose there really isn't much that I can complain about. In terms of physical training or indeed hectic schedules, life now is relatively good. Yet, there is something which I'm still uneasy about these days. I can't really pinpoint what, but I suppose the lack of freedom continues to bug me. Haha. Even though J1 was horribly hectic and exhausting, at least I did everything willingly; and I suppose that makes all the difference in the world. I guess I just loathe the idea of not being able to plan my schedules myself, to control and do with my life as I please. For too long have I enjoyed such freedom that now, I can't seem to do without it.

Nevertheless, I feel there is something more than just that which has been bugging me; and it is this which I really am completely clueless about. I know that the Lord has been exceedingly gracious to me, having blessed me with so many things; and I know that I should be grateful and thankful, which I am. Yet, I don't know why but there are some days in which I feel strange, as if something was missing. I can't really describe it, but perhaps the closest feeling to describe it would be a feeling of emptiness. I have no idea why I am feeling this, but I must admit that there are times when it can get rather consuming and terrible. Maybe its a lack of purpose in life (something which I've never experienced before) in the army. Maybe its something else or more. I just am not too sure. Besides, there are still many things which are beyond my comprehension. And trying to use my limited intellect to arrive at an answer often ends up with more questions or utter failure. There are many times in which I wished that I was back in the past, even though in many ways, life now is easier than it was in the past. But the gnawing feeling within me these days is enough to make me wish that I was back in the past. Normally, this would have made for a good conversational topic with Li Kai, but that is no longer possible. And thinking of that, makes me feel even worse. Time flies. It has been almost a year. I was just looking through some of our past conversations, and it was amazing how much we shared and discussed. I truly wished that he was still here, and gay as it might sound, I sorely miss him as a close friend. I miss those days of open sharing, between him, bo and myself. Those were the days when everything truly seemed well. But it was not meant to last. Memories. They can sometimes be dangerous double-edged swords. Looking through all of that left me feeling worse off than before, indeed, they made me feel completely horrid, yet, verily do I treasure them for they are the last few remaining memories of so close a friend.

Contradictions. Sometimes life is so full of them, that I get bewildered by them. And it is strange how thinking of Li Kai reminds me of yet another person who is where he ought to be now. I can only pray that all will be fine. Strange as it might sound, I feel that everything seems to be inter-connected, and looking at everything all at once gets too overwhelming. I can't make any sense out of it, but I pray that I would one day understand it all.

'Trust the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and He will make your paths straight.' Proverbs 3:5-6

Thus is it written upon the walls of the hallowed hall in ACS(I), and that, must indeed be my hope. For when I'm weak, then I'm strong. I fear that I cannot with my own intellect hope to comprehend these things, and I can only pray that the Lord will enlighten me to these things one day. Time is short, and I'll be booking in soon. Before I end off, I just want to say that I'm immensely proud of Zi Qiang, Lucas and Weng Ngai. All of you juniors who have fought so hard. Especially to Zi Qiang. My dear friend.. haha, you have done what I've failed to do. I can't say how proud I am to have juniors like all of you who have done so exceedingly well, clocking timings which I myself have never been able to acheive. You have fought hard to get into the world juniors, and while our standards have yet to match those of the world's best, it is a start. In many ways, I'm no longer your equals for all of you have surpassed me and I congratulate all of you for it. Keep fighting hard. I know its difficult, but I'm amazed and even touched by your determination, willpower and tenacity to overcome all odds. Truly, all of you have done AC and, I daresay, sir, proud. Haha, you guys make me wish that I had never left the arena. You guys make me wish for one more shot at it. If only.... If only.... Yet I guess it is but wistful thinking. My path goes a seperate way, but ever will I miss those days when we fought side by side to capture the title. Keep going guys.